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When Wavering

by wordsandwishes


My tears
are ashes in the wind
old news-
paper
cast into the fire
I thought would keep me warm.

Silence
but the peace is lost
in the ever distant memories
of ignorance.

Dark
lights snuffed out
and flames
blown away south
but sleep never comes
so I wait
yet hardly watch.

Drifting
with my thoughts
on the wind.
Emotions
to embers
and embers to ashes.


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Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:02 pm
countrygal97 says...



I thought it was really good, though like others said, the tear compared to ashes threw me off a bit too. But good job. :)




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:18 pm
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

Hey, this is pretty good. It leaves me with a certain wistful longing. It's a good effect poem.

My tears
are ashes in the wind

I don't think that you should compare tears to ashes. They're totally different, and it threw me for a loop. In fact, perhaps it would be better not to know that the speaker is crying. I wouldn't change the stanza, but the thing that the stanza stems from.

If something were to burn to ashes and make you cry, what would it be? You could say "my friends." That would also add a morbid tone and strengthen the already existing lonely tone in the poem.
You could also say "my words." Words are a sound, and thus would drift on the wind. You could definitely compare words to ashes.
I just don't think tears is appropriate there.

Also, I would punctuate this more if I were you. It's not particularly difficult to tell where one thought ends and the other begins, but it would sate the grammarian in my head if you used more punctuation.

I like how you start each stanza with a single image and then elaborate on it. It's a pretty good strategy to keep your poem focused and somewhat connected. Speaking of which, you focus on the main problem a lot, and don't veer off to the side. Nice job. It's harder to do that sometimes than you think.

I enjoyed both reading and reviewing this poem. It's a good, strong piece. I hope that this review was helpful. Happy poeting!






I completely agree with switching out "my tears" with "my words".
Thanks Magpie! I really appreciate the help ^u^

w&w



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:52 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hi, i'm a fairly new member so i'll try my best to review this well.

This is an emotive piece of writting, which you have written empathetically to the reader, it has a certain sadness to it, that gives a sense of longing. But there are weak points of this poem i'd like to adress.

Your first stanza seems to be lacking a lot of rhythm, especially how the word newspaper has been split up into two seperate words and the sentence "on newspaper cast into the fire" started kind of awkwardly in my opinion.
Also in the third stanza "Dark lights snuffed out" the word snuffed doesn't seem like the right choice of word to use, you could have used a substitute word instead of snuffed, it doesn't quite fit.

The poem started to fall a little flat because some of parts weren't flowing rhythmically well together. You also described your "distant memories of ignorance", which was quite confusing to the reader, instead of the word ignorance i suggest you use another word which would give another imagery to what kind of distant memories you encountered, you could give a slight example of what kind of memory that was?

I really liked you closing stanza because it left a bold statment to close the poem, especially the last line in particular. It was a creative idea and you put the essence of the poem along well.

Hope i was of help to you.

Infinity x






Thanks Infinity!



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:14 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hmm. The tone of this piece is nice and strong. I feel how I think you want me to feel by the end: a quiet sadness, a distance emotion. You're not close enough to watch, and not close enough to your emotions for them to burn, so they just have to ember out until they are gone completely. You are finally getting over a raging sadness, I guess?

But there are some weak points here, too. For example, comparing tears to ashes seems odd. Tears are very liquid and globby while ashes are solid and flakey, so they can't move the same way. Which means that even though I like that you turned the tears into ash, I'm confronted by the idea that those same tears can blow away on the wind. I'd rework that, but I like that it's newspaper. BUT I think you're wandering into another part of description. I might chalk that up to your style except that you don't do it anywhere else in this poem, so it's out of place, going from comparing to bringing that comparison into more motion that doesn't go with the thing first compared. Tears are not made from newspaper! haha

Next weak spot is that I'm not sure I am feeling the phrasing of "memories of ignorance". I mean, I kind of get it if you're remembering how you didn't know before, but I guess "remembering" doesn't really work there for me. I'd say maybe just give a verb to the ignorance, since the fact that the speaker's bringing it up implies they are remembering. So like, "The ever distant throbbing/ of ignorance"??

The last two sentences are really tight, though, if a little simple. I like the evocation of a south wind, because that really calms us instead of chills us. We realize it's an understanding fall instead of a thrilling fall like a north wind might make us think of.

Is there anything more you wanted to communicate in this poem, though? Or just a moment of realization, letting go, forgetting, letting the world pass by?

PM me if you have any questions, please.

Good luck and keep writing!






Thank you! I appreciate the help :)



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:08 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi there,

I like this poem, I like what you're trying so say and I think you're on the right path to saying it well.

What is less awesome is the formatting of this piece. I think you have far too many line breaks here, too many single words and concepts which seem to be floating all on their own. Line breaks are super helpful for making bold statements and inflicting emotions on your reader.Take your first stanza for example:

My tears
are ashes in the wind
old news-
paper
cast into the fire
I thought would keep me warm.


A stronger first line would be "My tears are ashes" because it's a bold, frank statement that is full of an underlying sadness and anger. I'd suggest losing "in the wind" because the "old news" really covers the idea of the tears being useless. I suggest something like I'll outline below. The line breaks I use are to emphasis ideas and play with some of the good words you have.

"My tears are ashes
old news - paper
cast into the fire
I thought would keep me warm."

When you go through your poem, punctuate it how you would a prose piece and keep in mind that we want to read this with rhythm most importantly. When your poem has a lot of single or short lines, we lose a sense of rhythm because we have no basis on which to lay our beat.

You can lose "silence" in second stanza, you don't need it, we'll make that connection from the cold and the needing to be warm and the tears. Don't lead us too much, we like making some mental connections on our own.

If you want "Dark" to be a really stark line, hit a full stop after it and consider separating it from the rest of the lines. This third stanza is pretty all over the place, and it loses focus. Part of that is your line breaks again;

Dark
lights snuffed out
and flames
blown away south
but sleep never comes
so I wait
yet hardly watch.


This can shift around a little, for example:

"Dark.
Lights snuffed and flames
blown away South.
Sleep never comes;
I wait and hardly watch."

Hardly is super awkward there, in both cases. But what I've done is shift some of your lines to they have a bit more meat, I cut "out" because you can't snuff something into life, so it's redundant. I've also thrown out "but" because it's not necessary. When I move "so" and "yet" it's because the use of the semicolon is more interesting and lets you add a bit more flow to your writing.

Reading your poems out loud will help you realise where there are awkward pauses or jarring lines. You should be able to read a poem with a slight pause at the end of each line but go on to the next without much fuss at all.

The ending is pretty melodramatic, but the whole poem is a little bit bent that way, I suggest you follow the meaty line advice by re-organising your line breaks. Consider a little more interesting imagery in your poem, unless you mean for it to be stark in the way of cold and loneliness.

Thank you for the read, I look forward to hearing more from you. Please hit me up if you have any questions or queries, or just want to chat!

~ Pen






Thanks Pen ^u^




Carpe Diem
— Catullus