Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Mystery / Suspense

E - Everyone

Insufficient - Prologue

by RubyRed


As Zoe walked the dust fields, she knew they'd catch her again. It was only a matter of time till they noticed she was missing, but she longed to breathe the fresh air once again even if it was filled with debris. She hadn't seen the sun in months where she was kept. It was forbidden. Her legs grew weak, and gave out from under her, even though she was skinny, they could no longer carry her. Knowing the guards would beat her when she was found, she started crawling desperately to get as far away as she could.

"I can't give up. I won't be caged again. . . Keep moving, Zoe!" she said with her hoarse voice.

Her black hair blew in the wind becoming more and more soiled by the dust that was continually flying about. Her arms were covered in scars. She wore a thin tan tank top, which blended in with her skin; brown shorts with holes and tears in it; and a metal tracking device on her ankle. She didn’t wear a bra or shoes since it wasn’t permitted.

Her cracked lips quivered as she heard the guards getting closer and closer to her—there was nowhere to hide.

"Hey, you! Stop!" a guard in army like clothing called out to her.

Keep going Zoe. . . keep going.

Realizing the she wouldn't listen to him, he came over and pushed her head into the ground with his foot. Zoe's arms gave out and the last bit of strength she had left she used to feel the warmth of the ground one last time before being thrown into her cage.

"You pathetic, rebel. You people make me sick," the guard roared after he spat on her.

Her head convulsed, and her eyes became blurry. Zoe could no longer keep her eyes open to see the rest of the guards catch up. They came out of their cars and the commander talked to the head on his cellular device.

"Yes, sir, we've got her," was the last she heard from them while a few words escaped her mouth,

"Don't you. . . ever. . . give up, Zoe."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1542 Reviews


Points: 171770
Reviews: 1542

Donate
Fri Jun 11, 2021 5:09 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a really interesting prologue that you've got here. I certainly was very intrigued by it, and it seems like it could lead to a really interesting story here. Well more details below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

As Zoe walked the dust fields, she knew they'd catch her again. It was only a matter of time till they noticed she was missing, but she longed to breathe the fresh air once again even if it was filled with debris. She hadn't seen the sun in months where she was kept. It was forbidden. Her legs grew weak, and gave out from under her, even though she was skinny, they could no longer carry her. Knowing the guards would beat her when she was found, she started crawling desperately to get as far away as she could.


Oh wow...well this is quite a start to a prologue, I shall give you that, certainly gets you very intrigued to see what Zoe might be running from, or who Zoe might be running from and how she ended up in a situation where the fresh air, even when its full of debris and probably horrible is something she craves..well...you have me interested right from the start, that's a great sign.

"I can't give up. I won't be caged again. . . Keep moving, Zoe!" she said with her hoarse voice.

Her black hair blew in the wind becoming more and more soiled by the dust that was continually flying about. Her arms were covered in scars. She wore a thin tan tank top, which blended in with her skin; brown shorts with holes and tears in it; and a metal tracking device on her ankle. She didn’t wear a bra or shoes since it wasn’t permitted.


Hmm, well she certainly seems to have escaped from someplace rather terrible there judging by her attire. She certainly looks like she's been through the mill. And alright, that is a decent touch of description there to give us perspective on just how bad the situation is at the moment. And her determination to keep moving is also pretty good to see, although well I suppose we'll find out what her fate is here.

Her cracked lips quivered as she heard the guards getting closer and closer to her—there was nowhere to hide.

"Hey, you! Stop!" a guard in army like clothing called out to her.

Keep going Zoe. . . keep going.


Hmm, well army like clothing seems like a bit of a lazy description there, not gonna lie, but alright well we have our conflict, she has been spotted and well, let's see what on Earth these people end up doing to her...this is really quite intriguing here.

Realizing the she wouldn't listen to him, he came over and pushed her head into the ground with his foot. Zoe's arms gave out and the last bit of strength she had left she used to feel the warmth of the ground one last time before being thrown into her cage.

"You pathetic, rebel. You people make me sick," the guard roared after he spat on her.


Hmm...rebel, well certainly an interesting word to use. It looks like we find ourselves on a world that appears to have some kind of takeover happening on it somehow...and there are rebels for it, being treated quite horribly by the looks of things.

Her head convulsed, and her eyes became blurry. Zoe could no longer keep her eyes open to see the rest of the guards catch up. They came out of their cars and the commander talked to the head on his cellular device.

"Yes, sir, we've got her," was the last she heard from them while a few words escaped her mouth,

"Don't you. . . ever. . . give up, Zoe."


Hmm, well it looks like she's been caught here, its interesting to see that she's not going to be killed because you would imagine people that treat someone that horribly would just kill them, hmm...but I suppose keeping them alive might serve some sort of purpose. And well, those last words there are certainly a very intriguing ending.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: A couple of tiny nitpicks aside, this would tick pretty much all the boxes that you expect a prologue to tick. I would certainly read on after this to find out what the story is all about. A solid little prologue you've got here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
277 Reviews


Points: 1335
Reviews: 277

Donate
Sat Apr 16, 2016 4:07 pm
View Likes
Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your prologue as you requested! So let's get into the review :)

First Impression:
You still have a couple issues with show not tell but I can see you definitely improved from the last work of yours I read. :) Try not to tear yourself down, everyone has the ability to grow. I'm glad you've become a better writer even if it's a small things like show not tell.

Story:
I'm interested in the story. I love the imagery you put in with the dusty fields and the dust in the girl's hair. I can't say much on the story since it's only the first chapter.

Grammar:
"As Zoe walked the dusty fields, she knew they'd catch her again."
"Zoe's arms gave out and the last bit of strength she had left, she used to feel the warmth of the ground one last time before being thrown into her cage."

Suggestions:
"even though she was skinny, they could no longer carry her."
I don't think this makes much sense because if someone is really skinny they would most likely be weak too. Skinny is a word sort of like fat, it's used at extremes. If you want this to make sense maybe use the word thin or petite. But then again if she is a prisoner who is being badly treated she would most likely be skinny.

"Her arms were covered in scars. She wore a thin tan tank top, which blended in with her skin; brown shorts with holes and tears in it; and a metal tracking device on her ankle. She didn’t wear a bra or shoes since it wasn’t permitted."
Usually prologues don't go into specifics like this. That's usually left for the first chapter. Also it seems awkward that way you threw in her description. Like I said before on the last work of yours I reviewed. Try hinting at it along the way. The way you introduced us to the fact that her hair was black was beautifully written. It created brilliant imagery in my mind. I know you can do it with the other descriptions!

""Don't you. . . ever. . . give up, Zoe.""
I wasn't a huge fan of the third person talking. It just feels awkward for me. Maybe said that she was thinking it or maybe whispering it to herself because I know if I was a guard and I heard someone talking normally to themselves in third person. I would throw her into an asylum (totally not hinting at my novel xD).

Summary:
You can work on your descriptions a bit and you can work on show not tell, but there isn't much to do with this work since it's already very well written. I definitely think you should keep going. I also think you shouldn't ask a reader if you should keep going. Write for yourself and not others. Improve for yourself and not others.

Anyway, I hope my review was helpful,
Alice ♥




RubyRed says...


Thanks! :D



User avatar
410 Reviews


Points: 196
Reviews: 410

Donate
Sat Apr 16, 2016 1:28 pm
View Likes
Eros says...



Heya Keepwriting!!

This was very good. I loved the prologue. You have described everything very nicely. The dialogues are spread like spices. You have used good and heavy words all throughout the story.
Keep writing, Keepwriting! The style of writing was eay to understand, and the theme was unique. I loved the plot and the idea too! You should carry on more.

by ~Eros




RubyRed says...


Thanks!



User avatar


Points: 313
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:03 am
View Likes
DeathDreams wrote a review...



Good prologue. Makes me want to keep reading. The only thing I would change slightly is the way the second part of the guards dialogue is delivered.

You wrote: "You pathetic, rebel. You people make me sick," the guard roared after he spat on her.

What I would recommend: "You pathetic, rebel," the guard roared after he spat on her. "You people make me sick."

It's a simple change, but one that I think could allow dialogue to flow that much smoother. It's almost always good, in my opinion, to have dialogue that flanks a prominent action of the character whom is delivering said dialogue.

I can't wait to see more.

-- DeathDreams




RubyRed says...


Thanks don't forget to click the "like" button. :)




I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
— Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom