Lilac was a high school student and didn’t know herself half the time but today it seemed nothing was going smoothly. She left the school building with her head down. Her was a beautiful brown-haired girl and her eyes were hazel.
Tom was blonde-haired and he had the darkest blue eyes that would captivate your gaze within moments. He had been Lilac's boyfriend for a few months but they had known each other longer.
Lilac sat in denial on the bench with Tom, he took her hand and asked, "How do you feel Lilac? I know something's wrong."
She looked at him will sad eyes and said in reply,
"I guess you're the only one who will listen... so I'll pour my soul out to you. I'm neglected and depressed I tried to end my life two days ago but I couldn’t," she started as tears dripped down her face.
"My mom told me I should talk to her about how I feel but I always see her doing something else and she just doesn’t have time for me. I have a lot of poems and drawings and I'm writing a story but I feel like none of it is appreciated. I'm tempted to just run away. My siblings are always judging me. They pretend I'm not there. When I try to talk to them... I don’t know. They don’t care for me. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know who I am, and I can't help but feel that way. If no one says something to me soon I think I'll kill myself. It's like torture. Tom please--please, stop this suffering in my heart," Lilac said as tears ran down her face.
Tom had known Lilac almost all his life so, seeing her cry like this was melting his heart.She was normally cheerful and she'd laugh at almost every joke that was told. But today she seemed weary and Tom
knowing her the best, could tell. He felt that there was a connection between them so he used that to help calm her.
"I--I just can't go on like--like this..." she said as she clenched her fists. She threw herself into his arms. The only thing Tom did was brush her hair with his hand. He held her there for ten minutes till she stopped crying and said,
"Please don’t cry anymore. I can't stand to see you upset."
Tom had known Lilac almost all his life so, seeing her cry like this was melting his heart. She was normally cheerful and she'd laugh at almost every joke that was told. But today she seemed weary and Tom knowing her the best, could tell. He felt that there was a connection between them so he used that to help calm her. He started to rock her as he hugged her and soon she did stop crying.
"Tom, I may be left out by everyone but I know that there's one person I can turn to, you."
"I'd never have yelled at you yesterday if I knew how you felt. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you more than you were feeling," Tom said as he hugged her exhausted body.
"Lilac, if the world ends tomorrow and there's only one person I can take with me to paradise, it'd be you. Because, I look at you every day and I think to myself, 'If only I could hold her in my arms and tell her how I feel, how much I really care,' and if the stars can tell you where to go; then I can tell you, I love you."
His words were the world to her and she found the sweetest taste of comfort as she kissed his soft lips. Tom moved the slightest bit back to say, "I love you."
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140,201 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hi! I'd like to start by saying that this is awesome and I love your writing! It also has that kind of flow to it! You have also have use really great imagery! There was one part that repeated itself I don't know if it's my phone or you were repetitive but other than that it's amazing!!!!!
Hello Wonderwoman,
Eccentric Rose is here to review as best as she can! I hope it helps.
I like how the scene started out with "high school" and "nothing going smoothly." It set the scene for what the rest of the story was about. Your description of the girl was very good too.
" It's like torcher."
I think this word was spelled wrong...Torture is maybe what you were looking for?
It was a somewhat sad story, depression isn't the easiest thing to handle. But one thing Tom could tell the girl (this is just a suggestion), is that her mother would make time for her if Lilac took the time to let her know what was wrong. Most parents want to help their children, but don't realize the gravity of the situation. So that's why we have to let them know when there is a problem. They usually will make the time for us!
Anyway,, I'm sorry if any of these things I wrote were written in other reviews. I've got to go so I don't have time to read the other reviews done for this story.
I hope this helps! This story is fantastic! =) (and I normally don't read "teenage school" kind of books, so I applaud you for being a good writer and letting this story catch my eye.)
Keep up the awesome work!
~Rose
Thanks for your review. And yes I do believe I spelt torture wrong.
Hello guys, I have made tons of corrections. xD I hope that this is better now. Also I added some description and I took away some of the choppy sentences.
Hello, Kanome here with a review as requested.
Well, the connection between the character and her friend seems very friendly and open-hearted. She relies on him no matter what the circumstance.
Improvements:
I know this is a short story, but I feel like the characters need more development. What do they look like? What's their personality? Stuff like that.
Plus, the huge paragraph seems cluttered, how about spacing it out a little?
Positive feedback:
This is a typical love relationship between two people, which is amazingly good.
I love how the story ended. Sweet and pure. Short and simple. Straight to the point.
All in all, this was a great piece of writing. Keep it up. I can't wait to read more of your works.
Keep writing!
Kanome
Thanks Kanome.
Hello Nunyabusiness,
Myjaspercat here for a review...
So as a first thought, before I begin my line-by-line, I want to tell you that the massive chunk of text in the 'middle' is just very distracting. Anyways, onwards...
1.) "As Lilac sat in denial on the bench with Tom, Tom asked her, "How do you feel Lilac? Tell me what's bothering you. I know you're depressed." "
---Ok, so with this beginning, well it is rather boring. Remember that when you write you want to start with a hook that will draw your readers in. Since this is a short story, your hook needs to be twice as good. Here you give your readers a piece of dialogue that is strait to the point and boring. Now let me tell you why this isn't very effective...
A.) Most story's that start off with dialogue tend to loose there readers a few pages in (if it is a novel) and a few sentences in (if it is a short).
B.) If you need to start off your story with dialogue then you want to do it very well, kind of like a 'Bam! I'm here' kind of dialogue. Instead you give us this transparent, straightforward piece of text that doesn't hold much in the terms of 'wow factor'. As your reader, I would like to SEE more of why Tom knew Lilac was depressed. Again, since this is the beginning you really need to step it up and set up your story for us. Don't just tell us Tom knew Lilac was depressed show it to us.
2.) "She looked at him will sad eyes and said in reply..."
---Ok, so a few thoughts on this. One you have a simple grammatical mistake which you will most likely notice if you look through it, and second elaborate some more. I like how in this line we get a little description but as your reader it doesn't seem like enough.
3.) "Since no one will listen to me, I'll just tell YOU how I feel."
---My one question, why is the word 'you' all in caps, here. I think it might be little unnecessary.
4.) "My mom says how I should talk to her about how I feel and that I shouldn’t keep things in but I see her always doing something else and she just doesn’t have time for me."
---Alright so I have a few things with this sentence that I want to note...
A.) The wording of this sentence is very odd and it doesn't make much sense to me. One suggestion would to be cut out the word 'how' in the beginning of it because you don't really need it.
B.) My other problem is the length. Yes, in some sense, it is grammatically correct but I feel it would be better if you added a few commas. We just need some thing to break up it's chunkiness and make it read smoother.
5.) "It's like tourcher."
---Simple, 'torcher' is spelled wrong.
Ok, so that is were I stop with the line-by-line. On with the overview...
For one I think that this story does have some potential. It seems really cute, near the end but I would personally like to see more of the relationship between Tom and Lilac. In fact I would like to see more of Tom in general. Since this is a short and you only have two characters, in some way they are going to be viewed equally but instead we really only see development with Lilac.
Before you ask, yes your story, even a short, needs to have development. In this story, your reader sees; a scene where one character asks another why they are upset, said character explain why they are upset, first character apologize and then they both kiss. That isn't much. I want to know how Tom knew Lilac was depressed (like I mentioned above) how before, Lilac kissed Tom, what her feelings were. Overall we just need more.
That said, you also need to show your reader more rather then explain it. This story was pretty much just dialogue, there weren't that many actions, movements, or feelings portrayed. GIVE US MORE.
Anyways, I think that is it with my thoughts right now. If you have any questions then feel free to ask. Good luck and Continue writing ---Myjaspercat
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"Once the grammar has been learned, writing is simply talking on paper and in time learning what not to say." ---Beryl Bainbridge
"Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you." ---Unknown
Oh wow, oh my gosh thank you so much. I really do need to work on this.
Thanks for your helpful review. >.<
of course, I'm glad to help
Hey Nunyabusiness! Thanks for requesting me to read this, I suppose it deserves a review!
Most of this story goes to the character Lilac just whining. Most of it is necessary, but I bet you can slim down the paragraph to just maybe 10-12 lines. Some parts that are unnecessary would have to be,
I'm also in a bad habit of sleeping in. When I do that I miss half of my day and I'm grumpy also. I'm also constipated and dehydrated. I can't go on like this. The heat and humidity aren't helping either. Then I'm on my period and I feel especially emotional. The pollen has been bothering me this year, I have mosquito bites everywhere. I have counted 5 on one leg! Please Lord, stop my suffering it's hurting my heart. I'm tired, my back hurts and my grades are going down. I can't play games because my mom wants me to finish school and I feel like I never get out of the house, even though I went three places last week,
That huge chunk shouldn't really be there. It seems very uninteresting and just drags on. Also, in your 9th line, you did forget to add an apostrophe to the word "won't."
Otherwise, I really do like the story! The ending is very romantic and it just ends it perfectly. Great job! I really want to see more work by you. Don't give up and always write, Nunyabusiness!
-CaptainSalty
Yeah, I guess that wasn't necessary. =D xD >.<
I really enjoyed this short story. I love the use of imagery. I love when Tom brushes Lilac's head. It seems like something a guy would do. I felt as though I was actually there. Keep up the good work! I would love to read more! Followed!
Thank you.