Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
He was close on her tail. She kept running. He had a knife in his hand but he wanted to be sure he'd hit her.
"Stay away!" she yelled even though she knew he wouldn’t.
He kept gaining on her but she was more determined to escape then he was to catch her. Pain raced through her weary body as she battled to get down the long staircase. He kept laughing at her like a madman but she tried to keep him out of her mind. She finally reached the bottom of the stairs and ran towards the door. Locked!
"Dammit!" she cried.
It seemed no matter how hard she tried she could escape his house of hell. She searched for the key to the door on the top of it. It wasn’t there. Then she looked under the rug. Still not there!
"Dammit, dammit, damn you!" she cried as she kicked the door.
She looked around to see if she could find something to defend herself with. There was a bat by one of Eliot's moving boxes. She sprinted towards it picked it up and started to looked for her killer. He wasn’t there. She turned to her right and left.
"He's behind me!" she thought it horror.
She looked back and there he was sneaking up behind her he was about to end her life with his knife but she hit him with the baseball bat as hard as her weak arms could. He fell backwards in his steps a little bit but he kept following her. She ran back to the door and turned to face him.
"Come get me!" she screamed as tears ran down her face.
"Hahaha!" he laughed as he walked closer.
She was sure she couldn’t kill anyone a week ago but now--now she was aiming to. He jumped towards her and cut her sleeve. She took a step back a swung. Miss.
"Could this be worse?!" she thought.
He backed up and went into the other room. He wanted her to follow him into a closed space so he could be sure to kill her. Emma didn’t move she just looked around tensely. He wasn’t there.
"Come out here!" she yelled.
Nothing. She started to cry. Then she wiped her tears and stood ready. A few minutes went by. She didn’t know weather to risk it or stay there. Her curiosity got the better of her and she stepped out to see where he had gone. She looked left then right. Not there he must be in another room she thought. She went into the room to her left by the boxes. There he was with the knife in his hand searching for something. He pulled out a gun.
"Another gun?! His house is loaded with weapons!"
She ran and hid behind a big box and hoped he could see her. He came out and loaded his gun.
"Where are you pretty?" he asked as he looked around.
She didn’t even move she just kneeled behind the box like she was frozen. He went to look for her by the door then he went into another room to find her.
"If only he'd get closer!"
He came back out and asked her where she was again. She didn’t answer she just froze she couldn’t move if she did he'd see her for sure. Her heart pounded like a drum in her chest; sweat ran down her head and her pupils dilated.
"Crap, I need to stay calm! Get yourself together Em!"
Eliot got close to where she was and she heard his footsteps draw closer and closer. She knew if she didn’t do anything she'd be killed instantly. He came close enough for her to hit him. Emma had to do it! She told herself if she killed him then she'd be saving herself and others from him.
"Get up Em! Get up now! Do it!"
Her soul cried out to her. She jumped up from the boxes and hit him. He didn’t fall he looked at her.
Bang!
"Ugh, damn you..." she mustered.
She didn’t fall to the floor she hit his head with the bat and he fell to the cold floor. His head was bleeding but she kept hitting him. She hit him till it hit too much for her to keep going. Not her body at that moment her soul, her spirit. It trembled and she stopped. She dropped the bat and limped towards the door.
She escaped. She made just enough effort to get to the door she unlocked it and fell outside the house.
"You can make it!"Her spirit cried.
She started to crawl but only got a few feet away from the door. She lost hope and blood dripped into her eyes.
End of chapter
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Hello there! cleverclogs here to drop a...
The first thing I'll say is that whenever you write a character's thoughts, then they should be italicized and not in quotes. Quotes indicates dialogue, and it makes the reader think that a character is speaking out loud. Italics indicates a character's inner monologues, and is therefore more suited to a lot of Emma's thoughts in this chapter.
Also, while I'm talking about dialogue, this is a big no-no:
I feel like it was intended to seem dramatic, but it was more unintentionally funny than anything. Never write laughter in dialogue; always just say that a character laughed. Unless it's sarcastic laughter, like "ha ha, very funny".
Overall, you did a good job of creating suspense. Your writing style never seemed forced, and everything flowed very nicely. I liked seeing Emma encourage herself (although I would have preferred it in italics
The chapters match up now feel free to review!
This chapter I warn you does not match up with the first one. I will change this to fit the first ASAP.
Let's start this review off right and proper with the first sentence because I rather it be different. LOL.
Anyway, anybody who reads the first one should know that and if this was an actually book, you wouldn't put that. So just go with..."Now that Eliot is knocked out and her injuries are taken care of, she needs to get help before he wakes up." Something like that, K?
"...them with (the) sweatshirt she had..."
But these two together because she's still talking to herself. And here. 'I don't think it even felt this bad...' Maybe change it to...(I don't even think whiplash felt this bad.) or (I don't even think it felt this bad when I got whiplash.) Maybe??
"...now because she (was) now aware of what people are capable of."
"She didn't know why but (maybe) they didn't expect..."
Remember after you end quotation marks in an exclamation, question mark or period that you have to capitalize the next word. Example.
Capitalize the s for she and h for he.
What do you mean 'the daughter was there with her'? Emma's sister? Or another sister?
Only one doctor came.
How'd he know it was a him, could have been a her. My advice, keep him and us guessing.
What was he drinking? Wasn't he already sober? It didn't seem like he was even a little drunk so how are we going to know that?
Okay if he informs her of where she's at then I don't think you should have the first part up about her being with her mother in another state. That's more of the keeping us guessing think.
"Emma and Rosy went to get some sleep in a room they shared together."
"...but their parents didn't get along."
Then the sentence after that, add now at the end.
"David knew this and (didn't) plan to do anything about stopping her tantrum."
"Emma and Rosy were, of course, awakened by this but didn't come out to question it."
"...A life is never to be taken by anyone but God."
You already said her name so I think you should either say or name or she.
Anyway, my first though about Susie.
"Damn her mom has some fire in her."
Now to tell you have I don't like. They way it ended. I think you should make it to where the fire in her is going out when Emma reminded her of what she says. Oh and another thing, "Dang her fire went far." But yeah you should let it die out as she sinks to the glass covered floor, study her arms, and say she's sorry.
Anyway, I liked this one too. But give me something to LOVE. I love the length, I LOVE how dramatic it is, but I still don't really see the horror. Maybe put some of it from her mom's voice. You said that she suffered the same thing when she was younger/little. Well make her have small flashbacks of her remembering that. That'll bring some horror to this if it was REALLY bad.
Over all, I liked this too. And now you better write another part so I can see if the serial killer is going to come after her.
-Sharrae out...Tottles
Thanks again this really helps!
You're welcome and do you see how long it is?? All your fault.
Lol >.< <3
I really enjoyed this. The writing style is very fluid and I really appreciate that.
Also, the dialogue is wonderful. It flows very well, and is not clunky at all. One of the things I really loved about this was that of the reality of some families who have to learn how to deal with circumstances like this. It really is very touching to imagine friends and family who go through things like this. It may not happen exactly like this, but situations similar to it in the violent nature can be very difficult to get through. Thank you for writing this, I truly and thoroughly enjoyed it.
I really enjoyed this. The writing style is very fluid and I really appreciate that.
Also, the dialogue is wonderful. It flows very well, and is not clunky at all. One of the things I really loved about this was that of the reality of some families who have to learn how to deal with circumstances like this. It really is very touching to imagine friends and family who go through things like this. It may not happen exactly like this, but situations similar to it in the violent nature can be very difficult to get through. Thank you for writing this, I truly and thoroughly enjoyed it.
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