Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The night was rainy and cold. The air ran through their open windows as they lied unconsciously in the car. The police sirens were loud and annoying; the road was blocked by six cars that collided when a car swerved in front of Susie's car. There was fire on one of the cars and if that reached the engine then they'd all die. People stopped behind this accident and cried, and a few reporters broadcasted it all live.
David and Rosy were done with there movie so, David changed to the news to see what was going on in the world. He saw the broadcast on his wife and little girl (she was little to him).
"Tonight, there seems to be an accident. The police aren't sure what happened but they believe a car smashed against this one here and they all collided."
David dropped his remote and stared at the screen in horror.
"There are little children in some of these cars and a mother with her teenage daughter and..."
David didn’t pay attention to the rest of the people. He worried about his family. They could be saved in time or they could be blown to pieces!
"Sir, didn’t you see what happened here?" the female reporter continued.
They couldn’t get a definite answer from the people but it didn’t matter at this moment. Could Emma's luck get any worse?
She woke up after a few minutes and remembered where they were. She started crying when she saw her mother in the car. It was a horrific sight. Susie was covered in blood and her head was smashed into the wheel with glass stuck in certain places of her body. Emma wasn’t badly hurt but her right leg was stuck in the car where it was smashed.
"Mom? Mom, answer me!" she begged.
Her mom didn’t move but she was still breathing.
"Help!" she yelled out of the broken window. The men had gotten the other people out and they were now on their way to help them. Emma grabbed her moms hand and squeezed it as tears ran down her face.
"Hold on ma'am were going to get you out!" the men said as they got next to the car.
The rain blew in through the window and Emma thought she'd go crazy. It made more chills run down her spine as the men tried to pry the car door open. The car that was on fire nearby was cracking and sparks flew from the engine where it was about to blow. They managed to open the door but they saw Emma's leg caught in there. The man that was going to help her started at it and wondered it if was hopeless.
"Get us out!" Emma begged as she shook in the broken car.
"I can't unless we cut you free," he warned.
"I don’t care get me and my mother out of here or we'll die!"
The man didn’t ask anything more he tried to pull her leg out from the car but it was stuck!
"Dammit!" he cursed.
The man that was helping Emma's mom saw her oozing red blood so, he tried to lift her out of there but she was too heavy.
"If you guys can't get her out of here then leave me," Emma said.
The man didn’t listen to her. He yanked at her leg and tried to get her free. It wasn’t possible. He had to cut her leg free. He called over some more people and they used the chainsaw they had to get her out. When they did that many metal pieces flew off the part of the car where they were cutting and Emma's legs. The car was like a bowl of blood. The blood was seeping through a crack on the side and the reporter zoomed the camera in on it.
David saw everything.
The men got Emma out and ran away from the car and one man remained freeing her mom. He picked her up and almost dropped her because of her weight but he started to walk away from the car. It was too late! The car that was on fire blew up and kill Emma's mom and the man saving her. The two men with Emma got away from the blast quickly enough but the sight was terrible. Blood was covering the asphalt ground and the cars were burning in front of the bystanders.
The reporter was told to turn the camera off and she didn’t till one man broke it on the ground.
"Mommy!" Emma screamed as she saw the lost glimpse of her mother's sweet presence.
Her heart melted and screamed blackness at her. She lost all feeling of pain on her flesh as she endured the pains in her heart. Her head hurt and her arms were crushed. Her legs were bleeding and her right leg has lost half of its calf but she could only think of her mother. She missed her already and she wanted to run to her but she couldn’t even walk. Emma felt dead inside. It felt like a demon was poking at her soul and putting her in a cage of eternal sorrow.
"Mom! Mom! Mom!" she screamed with a broken tone as she hit the man that was holding her.
End of chapter
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Okay, sorry but this throws me off. I read ArtStyx's review, well the top of it, but I felt the same way. The moment I read the first paragraph, I became uninterested immediately.
I'm guessing you mean lay? or laid?Sorry to be harsh, but I did. You had my attention and then this just threw me through a confusing loop that ended in a pool filled with applesauce.
But anyway, I'll read and review no matter what.
Maybe stood behind?? By the way broadcast.
I think you mean, "Sir, did you see..."
OKay, I take it back my interest is back. I was not expecting her mom to die. My interest is SO back. But maybe you should have it to where the reason she was in the car with her mom is because she had to get picked up from school. That would tie this chapter with the last one.
Other than that....I'm on to the next one.
Sweet thanks! Yes, I mean laid. Lol
The last chapter ended with Emma getting into a fight. I saw no connection between that scene and the first paragraph of this chapter. It doesn’t flow and feels bumpy. Try to make the transition smoother and clearer.
For examples:
The next day . . . .
Later that afternoon . . . .
In the upcoming weeks . . . .
Moreover, try to provide us with strong description in the first paragraph. It’ll add to the atmosphere and capture the scene realistically. Give us details of the surroundings, the crowd, the panic they are feeling etc.
You told us the story at various points. Take time to flesh out the scene.
For example, if I have to rewrite your second paragraph, I’d suggest:
Bored after a typical action movie, David flickered through the channels, trying to find a programme of his interest. It was then it caught his eyes. He paused, staring at the words on the screen in disbelief. They seemed to mock him.
This way, we can relate more to the characters.
In addition, why would any news channel show a live broadcast of rescuing the victims? I don’t think they can do that, or else they’ll not be respecting/protecting their privacy and it’ll be confronting for some people.
You didn’t show us Rosy’s reaction to the news. It’s almost like she’s suddenly pushed out of the scene.
Wasn’t badly hurt? I’m pretty sure that can cause a lot of pain. And, was her entire body out of the car expect her right leg?
They cut her legs?
Here, you can describe her pain. I’m sure cutting someone’s leg is not a quick process and it can hurt - a lot. So, take the time to tell us that.
Once again, good effort! You’re getting better at storytelling. You need to work on your plot to make sure the chapters/scenes have some sort of transition. Well done, and keep writing!
Thanks! Im glad you liked it. Ummm, actually they weren't cutting her leg but the part of the car infront of it but I guess I really didn't make that clear.
No problem!
Ah, I see. Near the end, you said:
I assumed they cut her leg. You need to make it clear there as well.
Okay! And don't forget to click "like" if you enjoyed it.
The first paragraph is a little vague. Who's they? Since no one has been introduced yet, the pronoun is not used well. I know that this is a continuation of a story and I probably missed something, but it's never good to start the chapter with a pronoun for identification.
Also, "lied unconsciously". Whaaaatt? just "lied unconscious" is fine, I don't know how you lie unconsciously.
In the second paragraph, "David and Rosy were done with there movie", shouldn't it be 'their'? Also, how does David know that it was on his wife and girl immediately? Was the TV showing their names? It would make more sense for the broadcast to catch his eye, before he realized that the crashed car belonged to his family.
"They could be saved in time or they could be blown to pieces!" would be better if a comma was placed after 'time'.
Also, for the reporters, to make it clearer that they are on television, it could've been italicized, or the dialogue could've ended with something like 'the television blared'. This isn't too much of an issue, though, so let's leave it at that.
The transition from David to Emma is rather confusing. The POV switch is sudden, and it would've been nice for there to be some sort of break.
"Emma wasn’t badly hurt but her right leg was stuck in the car where it was smashed" is worded awkwardly. How is her leg stuck in the car? I mean, technically, the whole of Emma is in the car. Readers don't know these things! Since it was smashed (by one collison, wowza), one option is if a piece of the roof fell and trapped her leg. Somehow. In that case, it would be "Emma wasn't too badly hurt, but her right leg was smashed beneath a fallen piece of the car roof, trapping her." ... Actually, the 'wasn't badly hurt' part contradicts the second to last paragraph, where Emma is clearly described to have fatal injuries. How did she squeeze her mom's (you missed the apostrophe, by the way) hand if her arms were crushed, anyways?
"The rain blew in through the window and Emma thought she'd go crazy. It made more chills run down her spine as the men tried to pry the car door open. The car that was on fire nearby was cracking and sparks flew from the engine where it was about to blow." This... needs to be explained. It's raining, apparently hard enough that Emma is cold and feels like she might go insane. Never mind the fact that the wording makes it look like Emma's only going crazy because it's raining, the problem here is that there's a dangerous fire going on in the rain. Wouldn't it have been... put out or something? So... is the fire inside a car? Are you telling me that no one thought of putting the fire out with so much rainwater? Also, the wording in the last part, 'from the engine where it was about to blow', is, well, awkward. It could be 'from the engine, which was about to blow'.
The "David saw everything" line is a little sudden. Now David's here again? I thought we had switched to the scene of the accident! Oh, wait, we're back to them again. The main drawback of the line is that right before that, it says "the reporter zoomed the camera in on [the blood]". It basically contradicts the next line, since David obviously can't see everything if the camera's only focused on the blood. It would work better if you put it at the end or something; Putting it at the end would make everything a lot more depressing, and it makes a better ending.
Emma would be a lot more pitiable if you described more of her emotions during the incident, not cramming it into one paragraph near the end. The way you did it, I can't really tell what she was feeling throughout the story.
I'm going to stop now. You have a lot of grammatically correct but awkwardly worded sentences, which need to be cleaned up. There are also lots of missing comas; I think that proofreading your works will be of great help. Or, if you don't like to edit, you can find a beta. There are some tense issues, and some exclamation marks just don't seem to fit in with what's happening. Periods would make the sentence sound more dreadful, but the exclamation makes it stand out in a bad way. Description and explanation needs to be expanded upon, too. Again, re-reading your works could fix most of these problems.
Well, I guess that's what YWS is for. You know, posting your stories and having other people help you out, like a beta would. ^u^ I really REALLY hope I was at least a little helpful (I'm usually not ;u;). In my opinion, Emma's going to have a turn for the worse sometime in the future. I can't be the only one who feels that way... Right? Right...?
(.u.)b Good luck with future chapters!
-ohgoshpostingareviewisstressfulwhatiftheauthorhatesme-
Lol. Umm, you really should read the other chapters to understand the story.
... Yes, I should.
-I'MREALLYREALLYSORRYYYYYYYYY-
Did I mess up the review? D: D: D:
Nope! I just think it'd help you understand it more clearly.
Oh, phew, that's good .3. I'll go read 'em now.