The Heart of a Warrior ch. 2

by RubyRed

Published April 7, 2016

12+

In Stories

Recovery

The night was filled with unholy cries from the woods that surrounded them. Tafe was racing down the trail to the fort, but it wasn’t in sight. They had a long way to go. Zeight was holding on by a thread, but soon she wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer. Tafe looked at her and saw that she was struggling just to hold on to him. Tafe pushed his horse to limit and spotted the fort over the hill. He jumped off of his horse and rushed Zeight inside as soon as they reached the door.

When the door swung open, the team jumped. Tafe was covered in his comrad's blood. Aeris's eyes widened and questions ran through her head. Instead of asking them, however, she rushed over to the table in the middle of the room and swiftly removed the things on top of it. Zeight was placed there, and Aeris began to examine her wounds.

"Aeris, can you do something for her?" Tafe asked.

"I can try, Tafe, but it doesn't look good. She's bleeding out," she explained.

"Do whatever you can."

Aeris (their medic) nodded. Then ordered people about having them get things for her as her hands shook and hurried about. Tafe held Zeight's hand as Aeris had someone apply pressure to her wounds. Zeight squeezed Tafe's hand implying that she was going to pull through. After everything was finished, Zeight was put in the bed upstairs; and Aeris was left to look after her. Everything calmed down. Tafe, along with the rest of the group, gathered in the back room to discuss the attacks. The room was rather dark, but a fire danced about in the fireplace. The air was thin and moist. Dust could be seen falling around them. Tafe began to speak of their plan.

"If their numbers keep increasing at the rapid pace, then we'll be overrun. We're going to have to pull back soon," Tafe said as he stood by the fireplace, "Once Zeight has recovered, we're going to go find Kerrs. For right now I need you all to take up defensive positions just in case the night has more terrors in store for us. Don’t give up hope."

While they all went to their posts, Aeris was still sitting by Zeight making sure all was well.

"Zeight, you're going to pull through. We need you... If you can hear me, open your eyes."

"Kerrs?" she mumbled.

"Open your eyes."

Zeight's head convulsed, and she saw everything a blur. She turned her head to look at Aeris, but couldn’t keep her eyes open long enough to tell who it was. Zeight knew she was safe now though so, she closed her eyes and held on to Aeris's hand as she fell into a deep sleep.

In her dream she saw herself as a child. She was dressed in white and her hair was short. She was picking flowers, and Kerrs was there with her. They started to play around pretending they were knights. They picked up sticks and started sparring till Zeight fell through the ground. She ended up in a void. Nothing was happening till suddenly a wolf appeared in front of her. Zeight backed up and saw that there were many more she hadn't seen before. Soon, she was surrounded by wolves (the same kind she fought at the ruin), and they all looked the same. She backed up again, but they growled at her. She fell onto her back and they pounced on top of her. She saw the creatures face get closer and closer to her till waking up.

She started panicking and sat up in her bed screaming like they were still there in front of her. Her mind couldn’t tell the difference between what was real what wasn't. Aeris woke up from her sleep too and came over to Zeight. She was shaking, and her eyes were wide open. Aeris held her till she stopped crying, which was quite awhile.

"Aeris, I don't know if I can make it without Kerrs. He's the only part of my family I have left," Zeight whispered still quivering.

"Zeight, you've made it this far. Don’t give up now. We'll find Kerrs... I promise," Aeris said trying to comfort her friend.

"I hope you can hold true to that promise..."

The days seemed like years. As they passed, Zeight suffered considerable agony. It was a slow recovery, but she was determined to find Kerrs as soon as possible. When she felt strong enough to fight again, she got up before everyone else and started training. She still had her bandages on, but her wounds had formed scars. Even though she felt suitable for battle again, she still looked defeated. Zeight took her sword in hand and started attacking the training dummy in front of her. As she trained, memories ran through her head.

When Kerrs and Zeight were just children, their parents were slaughtered in front of them. They ran and hid as the screams of their family members and neighbors rang in their ears. Their lands were taken by the evil people of Vlandar. Vlandar formed the darkness of the world, but their people were even darker. They would sacrifice innocent beings, kill off the people that were weak, and beat the women that lived there. They sacrificed children to their gods—ignoring the screams as they were consumed by fire. The heinous king Vland would hold tournaments. In these tournaments they'd have Nayonarian family members that were starved fight which other for food. In the end one would end up torn to pieces. Their hate and contempt for other people drove them into madness. Ever since the queen Evashtee married the king Vland, she'd been using him as a puppet to feed her evil desires.

Nayonar, on the other hand, was a place of peace and unity. The people there lived in the plains. Waterfalls were often found on their land. They seeked something more than what was before them. They were looking for something to explain their being on this world. Every year they'd celebrate the beauty of things. They would dance and sing for their king Cyre and when an heir to the throne was born they'd offer gifts to the child. The one thing this kingdom had wrong was the prophets. They'd have them tell their child's future to them, and if it was something bad then they'd keep the child locked away and have guards keep watch over him day and night. If the child's future was well with him then they'd proclaim his good fortune with the rest of the kingdom.

The peace that kept balance amongst the people didn't last long. Soon, the people Vlandar broke the Nayarian's defenses. They clashed and fought the most terrifying war they had in years. Hell's gates seemed to have been opened upon them. They were crushed beneath the claws of Vlandar. The people had to flee into the wilderness to find safety. For many months, they were still being followed, but now they have found for themselves shelter in a storm. This is where Kerrs and Zeight fled to with the rest of the survivors. Now there are few places in the world where peace can thrive. But recently it has been disturbed.

Kerrs was taken from Zeight and the rest of them. He was their leader, and now that he's gone their hope is fleeting. But a spark still lingers in Tafe and Zeight's hearts. At this moment, they had a heavy burden resting upon their backs—Kerrs had to be found. All of these memories haunted Zeight, and it ate at her. If she couldn't find Kerrs soon then she'd lose all her will to survive. Tafe wasn't about to let that happen under his command. He found her training by their fort then came out to Zeight and began to speak with her,

"Aeris, told me she promised you that we'd find your brother. We're going to head out today and search the mountains. We believe they've camped there. That's where the wolves are coming from. You must promise me this before we leave though. Promise me you won't go off by yourself. That you'll stay with the group," he said as he watched her hack away at the training dummy.

"I can't promise you that, Tafe," she said turning to him, "But I promise I will live to a ripe old age if that's what you want," she continued wiping her sweaty face with the back of her hand.

"Sounds good to me. I know I can't stop you, Zeight. You're the most stubborn person I've met," he said with a smirk.

Comments & reviews · 4
backroadstraveler wrote a review Review · Apr 13, 2016

Hey there, sorry it took me forever to get back to you!

I'm so happy to see more of the exposition! Your story sounds interesting, and I can't wait to see how you play out the struggle between these two opposing forces!

I do think it would enhance your writing if you took you time with some of these paragraphs. take your first paragraph:

Spoiler
The night was filled with unholy cries from the woods that surrounded them. Tafe was racing down the trail to the fort, but it wasn’t in sight. They had a long way to go. Zeight was holding on by a thread, but soon she wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer. Tafe looked at her and saw that she was struggling just to hold on to him. Tafe pushed his horse to limit and spotted the fort over the hill. He jumped off of his horse and rushed Zeight inside as soon as they reached the door.

You tell us that it takes a while for Tafe to get to point A to point B, but the conflict is resolved without (for me) a whole lot of emotional impact. And although I read into it two different ways, the two sentences (Zeight was holding on by a thread, but soon she wouldn’t be able to hold on any longer. Tafe looked at her and saw that she was struggling just to hold on to him) sound roughly the same. I would expand upon this scene, and incorporate more 'showing' as I believe ZackyMas was suggesting.

Also, I found the introduction of 'the team' a little confusing. Is the team the group of camp medics (my initial thought), or are they part of Tafe's platoon (as I'm lead to believe later on)? I understand the desire to get plot/ action moving, but again I would stop and take enough time to introduce who these characters are. You can do this without it being an info-dump: it can be a chance to set the mood or even start characterization (who shows the most shock over Tafe's appearance? Who acts more on their emotion, who buckles down and squelches their fears to get the task at had done...)

Last thing that kind of bothered me: shifting POV. Your writing in general seems to be 3rd person omniscient, but reads like 3rd limited bouncing between Tafe's and Zeight's perspective- and doesn't have a clear indication for each change. I would really try to lock what you want to happen- and if you do go for shifting POVs then I would try to incorporate some sort of break to make it easier for the reader to follow. (But yeah, this is totally a stylistic preference on my end :) !)

Hope some of this is helpful! I really enjoyed the read- and already love how you're characterizing Zeight (boy is that girl stubborn!!). Can't wait to see what happens next!
-backroadstraveler

Maybe I didn't make it clear enough but the camp is a small army under Kerrs's command. But since he's gone Tafe is leading. Anyway, it looks like a need to work on this a bit more. I'm glad your enjoying the story so far. Don't forget to click the like button. I'll notify you when the next parts out.

Oh ok- I didn't quite pick up on Kerrs' role- thanks for explaining! And I've already liked :)

Oh okay didn't get the notification. I'll tell you when the next parts up. In the meantime maybe you'd like to read this: Inner Beauty ch. 1 I think you'll enjoy it.

InfiniteRectangles wrote a review Review · Apr 9, 2016

This review is brought to you by InfiniteRectangles

Hello again! This is a lovely follow-up to your last chapter. As I'm giving you constructive criticism, I will try not to iterate what the other reviewers have said, as I'm sure that gets annoying when everyone says the same thing xD Anyway, this review will probably be kind of short because I pointed out a lot of things in your last chapter that can be applied here, too.

"Now Tafe began to speak of their plan."
"Her mind couldn’t tell the difference between what was real what wasn't now.
The sentences are perfectly functional without the "now"s and they will be in the correct tense if they are taken out.

"While they all went to their posts, Aeris was still sitting by Zeight, making sure all was well."

"In these tournaments they'd have Nayonarian family members that were starved fight which each other for food."

Apart from these minor things, your novel is coming along great! Just try to keep the tense consistent, though. If the narrator starts the story in past tense, it needs to stay in past tense for sake of consistency. I'm excited to see where this is going! :D

RubyRed replied · Apr 9, 2016

Thanks once again. Don't forget to click the like button. :)

XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2016

Greetings,

I am glad that you sent me a message to read through your next chapter. I hope that what I have to say will be of help to you. First off, I didn't notice any grammatical errors in this story, everything was clear and concise and you definitely know where you want to go.

That being said. I feel that, especially compared to your previous chapter, this one was rushed. It just seems to be hurrying through this part. Where the last chapter had a great amount of detail that allowed the reader to see every detail of the story, this is lacking a great deal in that detail that was once there. I couldn't really be wrapped in the story like I was with the previous chapter.

I would say that you should take a little time to describe a little more about the environment and the people that we have just now met. You did a good job introducing the history of this story in using flashbacks and dreams to describe why the main character is looking for this person, as well as why she was fighting the wolf-like creature in the first chapter. I can't really say I understand the relationship between Tafe and Zeight, but I have a feeling that will be described a little more in the future.

All in all it was a good chapter, just try to embellish a little more. It will help with the pacing and the feel of the chapter itself. Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!

RubyRed replied · Apr 7, 2016

Thanks for your review. It's greatly appreciated. I really don't know what to do about how "rushed" it is. I tried adding some more description as to where they were and what was going on but I'm kind of lost. xD Anyway, I'll reread this and see if I can add some more details. Thanks again! And don't forget to click the 'like' button if you enjoyed it. :D

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Zackymas
Review
Zackymas wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2016

Okay. I haven't read the first part yet but I'll try to give you my best impressions on this text based on what is being shown. First of all, you are not giving context, I know one should read the first part to fully understand what is going on. But in formats like these, where first and second part can be pages (Forum pages) away, it's always good to give some insight at the start of the text about what's going on.

So from what I'm reading, they are being chased by the Vlandar people. Zeight was injured and everyone came into a fort where they'd rest. The first two paragraphs (Well, almost all the text actually) are telling, not showing. In case you don't know, 'showing' is one storytelling's principles. It's using language to show what's going on, instead of outright telling it. This could be applied to your entire text, but for the sake of simplicity, I'm just going to do with a small sentence:

"Aeris looked like she wanted to question what happened but instead she cleared the table in the middle of the room." Here, you are telling us what Aeris is... feeling. Now I'll rewrite it to 'show' those emotions instead.

"Aeris, gasping to recover her breath, shot a long gaze at the spots of blood on Tafe's armor(?) before directing her eyes up to face his. She then rolled her eyes to the table in the middle of the room and raced to take everything off of it, for Zeight had to be treated."

It's quite hard at the start, but one gets used to it pretty quickly :) language is just a tool, how we use it is up to us, so you better try to make the most out of it.

Okay moving on. "Aeris (their medic) nodded her head." 'Her head' is unnecessary, just leaving it at 'Aeris nodded' is more than enough. You have to be economic when portraying actions, too much words and the reader might get confused and loose the string of the story at that moment, so take care of your wording.

Few paragraphs later, when you start narrating about the people of Vlandar and Nayonar, you make a sudden change of POV, saying: "I sacrificed children to their gods". Do not do this, please. It's confusing, switching from third to first person like that all of the sudden just depletes the flow of the reading.

Last but least thing I'm going to mention. "He found her training by their fort then came out to Zeight and began to speak with her" This sentence. Everything about this sentence. I (literally) had to say it out loud more than five times before actually making sense out of it. Now, there are more things that could be improved upon but those are the ones I consider most important.

Sorry if everything pulled off a little harsh, it's just I couldn't really find another way to word it. You have the spirit, now just keep writing :)

RubyRed replied · Apr 7, 2016

Thanks for the review! :D



Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein