Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Emma woke up in the hospital with many sounds ringing in her ears. People were rushing to get help outside her room and others were moaning and crying. The bright light above her shone in her eyes like the sun and the bed she was on was stiff and uncomfortable. She was in deep pain but they told her she'd be fine, and that her father was on his way. She wanted to believe--believe that she'd be okay but she wasn’t going to get her hopes up. She couldn’t cheer up she could only lie there in agony. Some good man found her when she escaped Eliot's house and called 9-1-1. He saved her life and he was rewarded by her father later. Thoughts raced through her head.
"I don’t want to die. I want to live to be old and I want to have children of my own."
Drugs were given to her to ease the pain but it didn’t do much for her. They made her unconscious so that she wouldn’t feel the operation happening. Her father arrived shortly before they were and waited. Once they brought her back into her room her father waited by her bedside till she woke.
"Em!" he said in surprise when he saw her gain consciousness.
"Baby... I'm sorry. It's my fault. I shouldn’t have let you go by yourself."
She struggled to keep her eyes open and on her father. That was the only happiness she had at that moment. Her body hurt so bad. She could still feel Eliot cutting her; laughing at her; beating her. She was crushed. Her father looked into her eyes and could tell her pain. He took all the blame for it--he gave it to himself.
"D-daa..." she slurred.
He held her hand as a tear ran down his face. She fell back into rest and her father called the nurse.
"Nurse! Nurse!" he yelled.
"Sir?" she said as soon as she came in.
"She's leaving me! Em come back!" he yelled.
Beep, beep, beep. The machine warned them of a sudden drop of pace in her heartbeat.
She woke again in two days and her heart was now beating at a still rate. She wasn’t going to make it, not without help. Her father held her hand and said,
"If you leave me now, I will go with you. I cannot take this... come back. I'm hear! Don’t leave me," he demanded.
"I--I'm not g...going...any...wh--where," she managed to say.
He looked at her with amazement. He wondered how she could speak after that kind of beating; this touched his soul and he started to cry. She wanted to stop him from crying but she couldn’t lift her arm to wipe away his tears. Instead she cried with him. They were together and Emma was safe.
Her dad, David called his ex-wife and told her two days ago and now she had finally arrived. She came running into the hospital.
"Where's my daughter?!" she asked in extreme worry.
"Emma Blake?" the lady at the counter asked.
"Yes!"
"Down the hall first door on the right," she answered in a hurry.
Susie ran as fast as she could with her little daughter Rosy. She got there and cried till she couldn’t anymore. She held her daughter's hand and David held Susie for comfort. Rosy stared at her sister and just wondered how someone could be so cruel. They stayed with her till she was well enough to come home, which took a long time. They went back to her father's apartment and settled in. She was well enough to walk around and strong enough to lift every part of her body but she had a lot of permanent scars. Now she didn’t care much about them. To her they marked her strength and she felt happy once again.
They order pizza to celebrate her return home and gave her a cake (which she declined).
After a long, tiresome discussion they had dinner then Emma and Rosy went to went to sleep in a room they shared together. They talked and talked about how different and nice it would be to be a family again; and they're parent did not get along. They were in the kitchen yelling at each other.
"David, how could you let this happen?! She goes to school and comes home with you! How hard could it be?! You shouldn’t have lost her. It's your fault she looks like that! How could she even go back to school like that?!"
"Damnit Susie! Don’t blame me! You know I feel just as bad as you do!"
"You're the worst father. I wish we never got married. I wish you'd get out of our lives! You've cursed us!"
"You witch," he said as he thought, how could she be so cruel.
She slapped him for his comment and started to cry.
"Honey, I'm sorry. I just--"
"Don’t touch me!" she yelled as she pushed him away. She picked up some glasses and started throwing them onto the ground.
"This is us," she said as she threw more glasses and pans onto the floor.
"We're a mess and we will never mend! The devil himself arranged this marriage!" she continued.
David didn’t stop her he just rubbed his head and paced around the mess. She kept pulling things out and throwing them. Emma's mom, Susie had been abused as a little girl and this was her way of letting out her anger and sadness. David knew this and didn’t plan to stop her. Emma and Rosy were of course awakened by this but didn’t come out.
Susie started to pull out her hair and hit her head on the cabinets. Then she took a knife and slowly cut her arms.
"Susie!" yelled David, "Don’t go that far! Baby."
He came close to her but she raised the knife so he couldn’t stop her. Emma knew what was happening by the way her dad was talking so she ran out and came to the scene.
"Mommy, please don’t do this again. Remember what you told me? A life is never to be taken by anyone but God."
Emma's mom stopped, it was as if she let go of a ghost that was tormenting her. Her hands were bleeding and so was her arms.
"Mom."
"I know," she said as she fell to the glass-cluttered floor.
End of chapter
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Okay a few more nick-picks here.
She could only lay there.You don't have to put - in between the numbers.
The last sentence in the first paragraph, I think you should separate that from the paragraph. Make it, it's own paragraph. Oh and if it's a thought, use single quotation marks, that way we can tell the difference. I think the next line should have single quotation marks.
Flip-Flop.
"She was even drugs to make her unconscious so she wouldn't feel the operation happening; to ease her pain. They didn't do much easing, she still felt the pain." Something like that is what I mean by flip-flop.
"Once they brought her back into the room her father was by her beside til she woke."
I don't think you need semi-colons when describing what she pictured Elliot doing, commas would be just fine.
Again, I think it should be see her pain. And the line after that, take out the second he.
Meh, I feel like everything is still the same. I see changes though and that's good. Overall, mainly, I still like it....meh. But eh...if you like it than....okay. But again. Some spots do need a little bit more fixing.
Did you write this on paper? Try writing it on paper and reread it two times before you make any changes and when you feel you need to change something, read it again and then change it. Hope that helps, it helps me sometimes.
Okay, thank you I will see what I can do to make this better.
I'm here to review!
Here, you're telling us the story. Give us descriptions/details to imagine it. Remember the rule of "show, don't tell" in all cases.
You could say:
She opened her eyes after a lot of struggle. Her eyelids felt heavy, threatening to close any second. From her blurry sight, she could make out the clean, plastered walls. The revolting stench of urine and medicine told her she was in a hospital.
Something like that.
What hurt so bad?
Italicize the "him" here. This way, we know she isn't referring to her dad, rather someone else.
Who looked into her eyes? Her dad? Make that clearer.
Ran down his what? That doesn't make sense. Try rewording it.
1. Italicize the "beep" since it's an onomatopoeia.
2. "The machine warned . . . " should be a separate paragraph for a dramatic effect.
There's a good chance to talk about the father's feelings/thoughts after this sentence.
This dialogue looks amateurish. Try, "I'm not going anywhere," she wheezed.
Overall, I think the story's coming along nicely. The plot's great, but your storytelling needs a little bit of improvement.
Well done, and keep writing!
Thanks, this does have a lot of incorrect spelling and such I will make this correct ASAP because I know how annoying it is to read something that's unclear. I was really just typing things in really quick and didn't care to correct anything yet but thank you so much for you review. It is greatly appreciated! And don't forget to "like" it if you enjoyed it. If not don't. >.<
That's fine. It happens to everyone.
Of course, I enjoyed it! I'll "like" it now.
Yay! Im so glad. ^^
Okay First I was confused and like what the h**l, but then I went back and looked at the second one and I was like Oh okay it was changed.
, wouldn't her father have came, he cares a lot about her sooooo.Why this line...
Ah I see what you did, so I've already read and reviewed the rest of this. I think I need to go back and review the second one again then.
SO after reading this -> I get that it's from her father's view point. So "She hurt so bad." or was hurting. "He looked into her eyes and could see her pain."
Okay the quotes, a lot towards the beginning, you still have it where you end with either (! or ?) but you're not capitalizing the h in he or s in she. Remember to do that. You don't have to when it's a comma finishing that off but with a period, exclamation point or question mark you have to.
"She woke again two days later." Maybe?? Actually here. Combine those two. "With a still beating heart, she woke again two days later." Maybe??
The reason I suggested it was because you have a lot a sentences that are just five to six or seven or less words. It's okay to have some, just don't have them throughout the chapter.
MEH, let me be honest here. This 'chapter' doesn't seem like a chapter. All I'm getting and feeling is you describing something that happened but without feelings. You said he demanded this and that, but how did he demand it, did his voice crack, did it break, did he say it sadly? I feel your just giving me a review to a part in a movie you're watching and I asked what's happening. That's how I feel with the top half.
I don't want to know what happened, I want to feel what happened. The first chapter made me feel like I was reading a book and wanted her to escape unharmed but this just makes me feel like I'm reading someone else's review with quotes.
Where's the description on how the room looked or smelled? Where's the description on whether or not her father looked relieved, hurt? Were his eyes blood shot? How long had he been crying? He does Rosy feel, is she crying, does she regret anything? Where are the feelings?
In a book/chapter/novel/poem/lyrics, they words make you feel like it's either happened to you and/or with them. In here, I didn't cry with them. In the first chapter I wasn't trying to escape with her. Get it? To me, some books are about feeling. Describe it in your own way but make you readers what to cry with and for them.
If you have any question on what I mean and need to elaborate more, feel free to ask me and tell me if I'm not getting through to you and/or if you're confused. In all just remember, if you can't make the readers laugh, cry, smile, nor scared then you won't have many readers.
-Sharrae out, tottles
Thanks @SharraeWilson, these reviews are very helpful. Don't forget to "like" it if you enjoyed this chapter.
Meh, sine I'm being honest here, I wish you had kept it the other way.
It was getting very complicated. I couldn't keep up with three character development at a time
Ah I see, well what's every comfortable to you you should to it
Okay, I read your review over again and I added some more feeling and description accordingly. I hope it satisfies you, if not please tell me where you think there should be more.