"Zare. . . Zare. . . answer me," a voice echoed in the darkness.
"H—how do you know my name?"
"I know everything about you. I know when you were born, when you will die, and why you're here. You can't possibly win. No matter how hard you try."
"I will find a way to finish this!"
"Haha, quite the hero aren't you? What if I told your people who you really are? They'd watch you suffer. Don’t hide what you are. . . "
"They'll never believe you! You have no power over me anymore!"
"Muhahaha! The seal will never be broken. . . You're mine!"
Suddenly, a blast hit Zare's heart, and her sword slipped out of her hand when she fell to the ground. There was complete silence for a minute till Zare rose to her feet with her sword in hand. Her face was blank, and her eyes were lifeless.
She walked up the stairs of the ruins and stopped when she was in front of a small female figure. She wasn't armed but looked terrified.
"Zare, it's me!" the woman yelled holding her hand out to defend herself.
Zare was no longer the person the woman saw but a pawn used to end her life. She looked down at the woman; raised her sword; and with one movement, stabbed her through the chest. The woman grunted, and a tear fell from her eyes. She looked at Zare's blank face and smiled.
"Don't give up. . . It's not your fault," were the woman's last words.
She lowered her hand, and fell onto her back. After she was slain, Zare gained control of her body again. Her eye's widened as she realized what she had just done. She ran to the woman and held her.
"NO!!!! Open your eyes! Open your eyes!" she screamed as she rocked the woman back and forth.
"I'm sorry. . . I'm sorry. . ." she said brushing the woman's hair from her face, "I've failed you," she cried still holding the woman.
Just then a chuckle emitted from the ruins and echoed in Zare's ears. It grew louder and louder as it came to her. She knew she had to carry on, but something inside of her told her she didn’t deserve to live. She murdered the only person who believed in her—the only one who could ease her suffering. Zare kissed the woman's forehead and rose to her feet stained in the woman's blood. Pulling the sword from the woman's chest, Zare stood ready to fight.
The man was only a few feet away from her, but managed to reached her in a split second. He took a hold of her throat and squeezed the life from her as she lifted her from the floor with one hand.
"It's hopeless," the man said smiling at her, "You've lost."
Zare tried to pull his hands away from her throat, but couldn’t with the little bit of strength she had left. The man threw her to the floor then walked slowly over to her. She knew she could no longer match his strength so she closed her eyes. His footsteps got closer till the sword pierced her heart.
"All is lost," the man said as he pushed the sword farther into her body.
The sword came out the other side of Zare's body and blood spilled out of her mouth while the last breath escaped from her lips. The man ripped the sword from her heart and smiled again saying,
"All is lost."
End of chapter
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi Keepwriting! Snazzy here for a review!
Personally, I think the hardest thing to do while writing fantasy is to make it somewhat believable. I'm not the expert on killing people (and glad I'm not!), but I wouldn't think that she'd have enough to start physically crying and then talk after Zare plunged a sword into her chest. But like I said, I don't really know. It just sounds odd... I would research it.
The type of language you used at the end of this sentence threw me off a little bit (specifically the "she got ready to fight the shadowy figure in front of her"). I just feel like it's kind of too informal for this prologue. It doesn't fit. Try using more formal language... Example: "She readied herself for the battle she knew was to come." Or something. You'll figure it out.
WHOA. The ending is nice, but kind of lost me. Normally in the prologue, you leave some suspense. Okay, a LOT of suspense. I think you should try to make the reader actually want to read on. And yes, there are some questions, but not as much. Maybe you could have Zare not die, at least for the moment? But definitley end with "All is lost". That was muy bueno.
Other Suggestions:
There are a few grammar mistakes (mostly with comma issues, more specifically, the lack of them), which makes it the tiniest bit harder to read. I think if you re-read through it, you'll find them though - I won't waste you're time with the 'minor stuff'.
But yeah! This isn't a very original idea, but I like it! Kind of reminds me of "The Sisters Grimm" kind of thing. In one book, Sabrina (the MC) is actually 'trapped' into "The Big Bad Wolf's" body. Michael Buckley, the author, pulled it off nicely - and I hope you do too!
~Snazz Pizzazz
There's a reason she dies in the end. So, you ask the question: Why did she die? It's a prologue right? What happens now? But thanks for the review!
Any time!
)
Yes, I know there are some questions, I only recommended that because she died so quickly, and we had no idea who the lady was. (Although that added some more questions, I just thought it was too much.) So really, yes, you did leave a question at the end - I just don't think it was the "right" one. (If that makes sense.)
Although, if you've already got the other chapters started/planned out, then that might be inconvenient to start all over. Twas just a thought.
(PM me if you have any questions/want me to try and explain it better.
Hi, Kaneki here to review
Well the prologue with all its other elements worth considering felt a bit too rushed. As well the character seemed to confuse between different kind of emotions. I understand the actions unfolded in a hurriedly sort of way and that may have been the reason of the jumbled emotional states of the character, but still since the starting the story, Zare wasn't able to hold attention to a particular action or feeling which she went through. Even the instance of the woman being murdered felt a bit rushed and unable to raise feelings.
Well i liked how you introduced Zare, a defiant and strong willed girl, into the story. The story would be great i think and i am looking forward to the chapters. I am really into fantasy stuffs. But you should better read and reread your story for any faults in the story line, grammar or like before posting it.
These particular lines -
"Her sword fell out of her hand and clang after in hit the floor."
"She knew she had to caring on, "
"The man was only a few feet away from her, but managed to reached her in a split second. "
There are grammatical faults in these and several other lines as well. I hope you will look into it and edit your story.
Thankyou
Thanks! Would you like me to tag you when the next parts out?
sure
. i'd like that.