A/N: If you haven't read my other animal story, and you liked this one then feel free to take a look and give me your opinion! Here's the link: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Keepwriting/The-Tale-of-a-House-Kitten-128078
Some may think that being a dog means you just go about life like hooligan, but that is far from the truth. We have to make sure our masters get to school on time, do their chores, and have enough time at the end of the day to be silly. It can be quite overwhelming, but I love my master; and my loyalty lies with one human in particular—Josh.
When I was a puppy, Josh took me from that old nasty place and gave me a comfortable home. He was the kindest being that I ever met and still is to this day. When it's hot outside, he cools me off with a hose; when it's raining, he brings me into the garage; and when it's snowing, we roll around in the snow together. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
But one day, I found Josh changing faster and faster. No longer did he play with me, no longer did he gently brush the tangles from my fur, and no longer did we roll around in the snow together. Everything was different, and I had no idea why.
Did I do something wrong? I wondered when he drove away.
My heart broke that day like Josh had taken the other half with him. His family still took care of me, but it wasn’t the same. I spent my time moping about not wagging my tail or feeling any happiness. Finally, I realized Josh wouldn’t want me to be so down. He would want me to be happy and live a long life like every good dog should. It was my duty to protect the family while he was off saving the world. Whenever someone stepped into the backyard, I checked them over making sure they were okay. Then I'd lie by the back door and watch them as they played with each other. No one got lost or injured when I was around. It was a top-notch operation. They thanked me for my protection too with little strokes on my back, and that was all I needed to keep going while my Josh was away.
"Stanley!" I heard a voice call me from the back door.
Thoughts raced through my mind. Was it Josh?! To my disappointment, it was his mother, but she had something in her hand—a bone! Oh, it spelled like heaven! I wanted so badly to snatch it from her hand, but instead gained my composer and slowly took it trying my best not to bite her. Then I placed it on the floor in front of me and kissed her hand as a "thank you". After she closed the door, however, I tore that bone to pieces. That was how I vented my anger and sadness—a dog must never do so on a human.
Later in my life, I was introduces to some peculiar things. They called themselves dogs and went by the names—Phoebe and Asta, but they looked too small. They had well groomed fur, and their collars were all neat. I think I remember the humans calling them "poodles".
They were a mean bunch they'd bark at me from the porch and bite at my face when I tried to come close to them. I clearly wasn’t one of their kind. I tried my best to fit in though. I'd go over there and strut my stuff, do the "downward dog," and chase them around but they always rejected me. They had hair--I had fur; they were small--I was large; they were sophisticated--I drooled. We were too different to ever be friends. I enjoyed teasing them, but everyday I still thought of Josh. I roamed the back yard everyday my white fur glistening in the hot summer's air. I was wishing him back—I needed him. He completed me. We were pals. Did any of that matter to him anymore?
One day, I woke up feeling depressed just dragging my legs behind me. But something was different about that day. The humans were cheering, and they put up signs. I couldn’t read them, but I knew it was going to be good. A cook out? It wasn’t that—but I wouldn’t complain if it was. I heard the family say "Josh". Was he coming back? I ran back and forth in the backyard barking and pronouncing his return without a second thought.
A few hours passed, and I started to give up hope, but a car pulled into the driveway behind the fence. I couldn’t see who it was, but I assumed it was Josh. I ran to the back door and touched the cold wooden door with my nose.
Voices came closer to me, and my tail began wagging just out of instinct. The door opened and to my surprise a familiar figure stood in front of me. It was Josh! I smothered him in kisses and put my paws on his shoulders and he hugged me. It felt so wonderful just like a dream come true. I didn’t realized it for awhile, but he was very different. When I backed up, I noticed he was wearing a sort of camouflage outfit, his head fur was shaved, and he carried himself like he owned the world. Where had he been? I sniffed him, and checked him over to find out. He smelled differently not like the young boy I once knew, but like a man. I soon realized I had accomplished my mission.
Josh could take care of himself now. He didn’t need my protection, but I was still there if he ever needed to revisit those childhood memories. I was here waiting for him if he ever needed a friend, if he ever wanted to play, and if he every missed me.
So to those fellow dogs out there: don’t ever think your master has gone forever. He'll come back, and when he has you'll feel overjoyed! And to those humans reading this: your dog will always be waiting for you when you need comforting, or when the world just doesn’t seem fair. He'll be loyal to the end. I know I'll be waiting for Josh if he ever needs me.
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140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hi there Keepwriting
I assume, since you signed up to this site, that you are seeking criticism and refinement in your writing. Therefore, I won't go over typos and grammatical mistakes or the like - but that doesn't mean I'm going to hold back on the rest, ok?
First of all, the idea. Your concept, as a whole, seems to be that a dog loves his master, who goes away to become a soldier, and returns home one day. That's fine.
My problem with this though is that we are immediately shown an "over-cutsied" version of the classic boy and his dog story, with a rescue thrown in for good measure. You give some nice examples of the relationship between two (I particularly like the cooling with the hose part), but try not to rely on the cliches to create a character. You've given the dog a strong, if very common, shell. It should be your job to fill it with something that makes him unique.
There also seems to be a lot of the dog talking about himself, almost as if he's looking at himself. "I spent the day moping" isn't really something we expect someone to say about themselves; it's far more effective if you list some of the things did, how he spent his day until he realised that he was moping. You don't have to spell it out. Again, some imagination would do this story a world of good.
I think as a whole, the story seems more like a plot summary than an actual tale. "I did this, felt sad, and wondered, then two dogs moved in" is more like an outline. Try rewording some of your sentences without actually expressing out loud what your aim was. "I felt sad", for example is pathetic compared to "My tail between my legs, I shuffled around the park alone. Maybe there'd be an old tennis ball I could find someone to throw." The difference is the emotional factor. I'm pretty confident you are able to do this, you've shown some hints of this kind of writing so far!
At this stage I could pick apart some other things, but I'd like to see you focus on this first and truly nail it. Capturing the audience's imagination and making them believe is a vital step. You already have an acceptable story, move further with it.
One more closing idea: do you think the story suits the first person? We've seen animal monologues before, and they're all rather similar. It's a very easy and effortless method to make an animal seem human... you could try challenging yourself and see how "people-like" you can make your dog, or another animal in the future. You seem to enjoy writing from animal perspectives!
Anyway, I could rattle on for ages, but I hope this feedback has given you some ideas, and has increased your confidence rather than deflated it! What you have written is acceptable... but that's all it is at this stage. Try inject some of that wow-factor!
Thankyou for the read!
-Kieren
Thank you for your review! It was truly helpful. I'll try to take what you've said and use it in my writing.
I really liked this. It's simple, yet good. I enjoy stories about animals. ( I have a short story on YWS about a women and her service dog. You should check it out). I like writing about dogs.
Only, I wonder about your MC, the dog. What did he look like? What breed was he? What was his name? I understand that this is a short story, but I, personalty would of liked it to be a little bit longer. I would like to know a bit of your MC's past. But I understand it being a short story and the plot be simple etc. I really enjoyed this. Continue writing animal stories.
Where did you get the idea to write this? I'm curious.
It's about my brother's dog. The story says his name is Stanley and I hinted that he was large and had white fur. He's a Pyrenees. Also, don't forget to click the "like" button up top and thanks for the review!
I liked it
Thanks.
no probleam