Young Writers Society

Hello! Now what...oh wait...I'm supposed to be reviewing. The story was great! (I'm not the best reviewer so double check what I say) I only saw one word misuse:

"since she was becoming of age."

it should be:

"since she was coming of age."

There were a couple of places where you missed commas and all, but overall, it was awesome.

Hey! Here to review your first chapter as you have requested

First Thoughts:
The first I realized when reading your chapter was the you were telling me and not showing. I felt sort of disappointed at the lack of mystery and suspense in the first paragraph. You could show us with actions that she is upset and hint at it, later telling us in dialogue. The show not tell issue continued throughout the chapter as you explained that she was a extremely attractive woman. Don't tell us that she is attractive show us. Don't tell us exactly what she looks like, hint at it. For example, 'The wind tugged at her blonde delicate curls'. I was confused when you changed from Rachael to her mother.

Story:
The story is very interesting but it doesn't feel like it is in the Medieval era. Make sure you do research and learn the way people talked. The Medieval times were hundreds of years ago, you'd expect people to talk differently. Also people at those times had very strict different statuses, each status of people talked differently. The poor people had their own vocabulary.
The fact that the queen called her servant Laurie is historically inaccurate. It would probably be Miss Laura, Miss Laurie or Miss [her last name].
Rachael sounds sort of like a disney princess which is not something I'm necessarily pleased with. I just want a sort of princess who is tough and maybe hot headed. She seems like your typical disney princess.
I have to admit, at the moment I feel like your story is sort of cliche. You have the sweet, innocent princess who loves her father who passed away. You have the ball and wanting to find a suitor. It just all seems like some disney movie I saw when I was younger.

Grammar:
"A suitor was likely to be found there."

Suggestions:
"As Rachael walked about her mother's gardens, questions filled her mind."
I feel like this sentence was sort of awkward. 'Questions filled her mind' sounds sort of weird and awkward. Maybe rewording it would help it flow and roll of the tongue
better.
I think on your dialogue if you add description to them it would make it much easier for people to imagine what's going on.
"The queen thought on this, and soon agreed with Laurie. Maybe a ball would do just the thing. A suiter was likely to be found there. The queen opened her bedroom window, and called out to her daughter. Rachael looked up at her, and quickly came inside. She went up the staircase and found her mother sitting on her bed."
This sounds way to straightforward. Add color to the words, add emotion.
You're dialogue feels awkward since the narration is modern and the dialogue is sort of old fashioned. Try reading old books like Jane Austen, Lewis Carroll, even though that's not the right time period you'll get a better understanding of how that sort of narration is like.

Summary:
Okay. I think the story was sort of cliche, it lacked in many areas. The areas where it lacked were the characters, the suspense, the imagery and description. I also felt you lacked your research on the medieval time period. I love historical fiction, so much! I cannot stand reading a novel that drifts away from the cultural basics of that time period.

I hope this review help and I'm sorry if it was negative. I try my hardest to be honest in my reviews,
Alice ♥

I'll be honest with you, since you said that that's what you preferred from me (or at least implied); this start is simply...okay. It is the most okay start to a novel start I've read from here. It isn't necessarily fantastic, but it isn't bad either, so I don't know how to review it. Whether or not the book will be good overall depends entirely on the series of events after this, but for now, this wasn't exactly the most addicting beginning, nor was it the sort of beginning that pleads for its readers to run away as fast as possible. It was fine. It was okay. Whether or not okay is enough will depend entirely on how the story will unfold.

-"You shall have a splendid time wearing your new grown." You shall have a splendid time wearing your new gown.

-""Good, it's settled then. I will go downstairs and make preparations," the queen said rushing down the stairs." I have a bit of doubt with texts like these, because it feels redundant to me. I mean, she's already said she's going to the stairs, so you could just leave the description of the action as 'the queen said as she left' and have no sacrifices. Saying it twice just feels weak and a little dull.

-" In the dark ages, medicine wasn't well developed so they bled him, but that only sparkled the fire that in the end consumed him." Would the proper way to describe a disease slowly killing a person be "sparkling a fire?" I'm not quite sure what sparkling a fire means. Did you mean sparking a fire? Or fanning a fire that was already there? And while we're talking about this line, you say that this is 'the dark ages' we're talking about. This is...unconventional. Usually the idea is to immerse the reader in the story, convince them that they're living it. You've already shown us princesses and queens and kings, so we can tell that this isn't your ordinary modern day story, but to mention directly that this is the dark ages as if the narrator was from the future makes a divide between the reader and the story. It's the author screaming "Just so you know, none of this is real and it will have no affect on your life whatsoever", which completely detracts from the purpose of the story. Writers are, in their essence, illusionists. You show the readers magic, not smoke and mirrors. Of course, this could've been entirely intentional and it turns out that the story is told from the perspective of a future person, which would make this entire rant meaningless.

Now, onto the actual review:

Again, I'll be honest with you. This was an okay chapter. By that, I mean that it has nothing going for it, nothing going against it--it's a princess story, the princess is sad, the princess is going to get married soon oh no, the princess has an inevitable death of paternal figure, and the princess is inevitably beautiful. But again, there's still nothing against it so far. I have no reason to dislike this chapter. I have little reason to like it, either.

I can't tell you now what I think of this book, because hey, first chapters aren't exactly the best impressions. But I will tell you that, in this chapter, there are a lot of good conflicts that could be used to bring your characters to life. For example, the marriage--how does it make Rachael feel? Why doesn't Rachael want to get married? Why is the queen forcing her to get married? All of these have answers that will test the characters and show us what they're truly made of. But you don't fully explore that, you just sort of state the conflict and leave it like that, making it harder for the reader to invest in the characters.

For now, though, that's all I have to say. I've got my notes, and I'll see how the next chapter fares. Good job.

Signing out,

--EM.

This review is brought to you by InfiniteRectangles

Hello! This was a really great start to a novel. I love that your language and setting is consistent with the time period. Also, Rachael seems like an interesting character and I'm interested to know more about her, which is a good thing, considering this is a novel. xD I see that someone else already pointed this out, so I won't elaborate, but make sure that you don't make your character too perfect. The reader needs to be able to relate to her in some way.

I saw a few grammar errors, but it's just minor stuff. I'll point some of them out for you.

Rachael was an immensely attractive woman.

Her curly, dark blonde locks draped over her pale face; her light green eyes caught almost every man's attention, and she held herself elegantly.

the queen said, rushing down the stairs.

Hey!
WARNING: I suck at reviewing novel chapters... so dont expect anything that good.

okay so this was awesome. really. I liked the way you took the theme of a daughter-father relationship. personaally for me, my dad is everything. i could do anything and everything for him. His smile always makes my day, and eventhough him being more of a kid than me, i love him more than i love myself... so yeah i like the way you used it, and even though it is sad that her father died, you have portrayed, her feelings quite well.

as a reader even though i loved it, i wuld like to know more about what happened, at his funneral, so i would suggest you give us a 'flashack' there.

also the way you started the story felt a little off to me... i mean make it a little more dramatic, like maybe something reminds her of her father, or maybe a fight with her mother ( just thinking out loud there, I dont want to spoil the mother-daughter relation though)

"Even though the sun was shining, it seemed so dark that day" THIS. LINE. IS . AMAZING! i totally love it, though it is simple, but thats the thing about you... your simplicity speaks louder than sophisticated works to me...( not that you not use sophisticated things.. uh you got what i meant right?!)

anyways... you hooked me with this story of yours. and it would be evil if you dont inform me when the next chapter is published.
Great work...hope to see more of it!

insanely yours,
Fangirl~

oo i just noticed you have published the second chapter... i wont have to wait YAY!! but do inform me when you publish future chapters...

Hello! I really like how this is going so far. Rachel is an intriguing character, and I can't wait to hear more about her! Here are some suggestions and notes that I have:

As she walked about her mother's gardens, she thought about what her life would soon become. This question was always racing through her mind since she held a high position. Rachael was the princess of Vindel, and she was coming of age, which meant she was soon to be married off.

She saw marriage as a sort of prison--she couldn't bear being married to someone yet. She was only seventeen, and the thought of marriage made her want to escape to a safe place.

Rachael was a immensely attractive woman. Her curly, dark blonde locks draped her pale face, her light green eyes caught almost every man's attention, and the way she held herself made her look elegant. Her dress was light blue with white lace at the elbows, which hung to her fingertips. And around her neck was a long necklace with a locket at the end. This locket was given to her by her father when she was little.

Hey, Keepwriting. Anarchywolf here for a quick review

First of all, what I liked and what was good about your work. A lot of people make the dialogue modern, or modern-ish, when writing medieval stories - but you didn't. The dialogue reads as upper-class and archaic, which is fitting for the characters you've introduced. The fact that you don't use contractions in the speech is a major factor in this.

Secondly, what you could improve. I feel as if your main character could be heading into Mary Sue territory. Be sure to give her flaws, or the reader'll get ticked off at her perfection and won't see her as a 'good', 'likeable', or 'relatable' character.

In addition, show, don't tell. Rather than saying that she thought of marriage like a prison, tell. Go from

"She saw marriage as a sort of prison"

to

"the thought of marriage reminded her of a captured bird"

(cliched, I know)

or

"the idea of marriage bought to mind images of caged lionesses"

(yeah. I know you can do better than I did.)

This applies to all of the instances where you've told the reader what Rachel was thinking or feeling, rather than showing. Showing can be done through things like body language, not just metaphors.

Don't go too in-depth about her appearance. Most readers won't care at the beginning - and it's much more fun if you 'sprinkle' clues throughout the book, or just drop little descriptions throughout the chapter.

In conclusion, it's a promising chapter. It's been written well with the era in mind, but there needs to be just a smidge more showing vs telling.

Hope I helped a little.

-AnarchyWolf