Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this was a really interesting prologue that you've got here. I certainly was very intrigued by it, and it seems like it could lead to a really interesting story here. Well more details below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

As Zoe walked the dust fields, she knew they'd catch her again. It was only a matter of time till they noticed she was missing, but she longed to breathe the fresh air once again even if it was filled with debris. She hadn't seen the sun in months where she was kept. It was forbidden. Her legs grew weak, and gave out from under her, even though she was skinny, they could no longer carry her. Knowing the guards would beat her when she was found, she started crawling desperately to get as far away as she could.

"I can't give up. I won't be caged again. . . Keep moving, Zoe!" she said with her hoarse voice.

Her black hair blew in the wind becoming more and more soiled by the dust that was continually flying about. Her arms were covered in scars. She wore a thin tan tank top, which blended in with her skin; brown shorts with holes and tears in it; and a metal tracking device on her ankle. She didn’t wear a bra or shoes since it wasn’t permitted.

Her cracked lips quivered as she heard the guards getting closer and closer to her—there was nowhere to hide.

"Hey, you! Stop!" a guard in army like clothing called out to her.

Keep going Zoe. . . keep going.

Realizing the she wouldn't listen to him, he came over and pushed her head into the ground with his foot. Zoe's arms gave out and the last bit of strength she had left she used to feel the warmth of the ground one last time before being thrown into her cage.

"You pathetic, rebel. You people make me sick," the guard roared after he spat on her.

Her head convulsed, and her eyes became blurry. Zoe could no longer keep her eyes open to see the rest of the guards catch up. They came out of their cars and the commander talked to the head on his cellular device.

"Yes, sir, we've got her," was the last she heard from them while a few words escaped her mouth,

"Don't you. . . ever. . . give up, Zoe."

Hey! I'm here to review your prologue as you requested! So let's get into the review

First Impression:
You still have a couple issues with show not tell but I can see you definitely improved from the last work of yours I read. Try not to tear yourself down, everyone has the ability to grow. I'm glad you've become a better writer even if it's a small things like show not tell.

Story:
I'm interested in the story. I love the imagery you put in with the dusty fields and the dust in the girl's hair. I can't say much on the story since it's only the first chapter.

Grammar:
"As Zoe walked the dusty fields, she knew they'd catch her again."
"Zoe's arms gave out and the last bit of strength she had left, she used to feel the warmth of the ground one last time before being thrown into her cage."

Suggestions:
"even though she was skinny, they could no longer carry her."
I don't think this makes much sense because if someone is really skinny they would most likely be weak too. Skinny is a word sort of like fat, it's used at extremes. If you want this to make sense maybe use the word thin or petite. But then again if she is a prisoner who is being badly treated she would most likely be skinny.

"Her arms were covered in scars. She wore a thin tan tank top, which blended in with her skin; brown shorts with holes and tears in it; and a metal tracking device on her ankle. She didn’t wear a bra or shoes since it wasn’t permitted."
Usually prologues don't go into specifics like this. That's usually left for the first chapter. Also it seems awkward that way you threw in her description. Like I said before on the last work of yours I reviewed. Try hinting at it along the way. The way you introduced us to the fact that her hair was black was beautifully written. It created brilliant imagery in my mind. I know you can do it with the other descriptions!

""Don't you. . . ever. . . give up, Zoe.""
I wasn't a huge fan of the third person talking. It just feels awkward for me. Maybe said that she was thinking it or maybe whispering it to herself because I know if I was a guard and I heard someone talking normally to themselves in third person. I would throw her into an asylum (totally not hinting at my novel xD).

Summary:
You can work on your descriptions a bit and you can work on show not tell, but there isn't much to do with this work since it's already very well written. I definitely think you should keep going. I also think you shouldn't ask a reader if you should keep going. Write for yourself and not others. Improve for yourself and not others.

Anyway, I hope my review was helpful,
Alice ♥

Heya Keepwriting!!

This was very good. I loved the prologue. You have described everything very nicely. The dialogues are spread like spices. You have used good and heavy words all throughout the story.
Keep writing, Keepwriting! The style of writing was eay to understand, and the theme was unique. I loved the plot and the idea too! You should carry on more.

by ~Eros

Good prologue. Makes me want to keep reading. The only thing I would change slightly is the way the second part of the guards dialogue is delivered.

You wrote: "You pathetic, rebel. You people make me sick," the guard roared after he spat on her.

What I would recommend: "You pathetic, rebel," the guard roared after he spat on her. "You people make me sick."

It's a simple change, but one that I think could allow dialogue to flow that much smoother. It's almost always good, in my opinion, to have dialogue that flanks a prominent action of the character whom is delivering said dialogue.

I can't wait to see more.

-- DeathDreams