Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
On Sunday mornings I go to church
With a brain made of amps
After that I sit under the birch
And handle the cramps
.
I watch the Steelers later
And chug a six-pack of bud
I get drunk as the day gets greater
Then I hit the bed with a thud
.
On Mondays I look for a job
At least until noon
Then I meet my neighbor Rob
And take heroin from a spoon
.
Tuesdays I stay indoors
And let the day go by
Sarah comes home with some test scores
But I just want to get high
.
On hump day I think
About why my husband left
Sometimes I'm on the brink
But Matt stole my dreams, a petty theft
.
Thursday I scream and shout
While Sarah is away
I just want to get out
And leave her here to stay
.
Friday I go to the dealer
And blow whatever money I got
The guy's a bit of a feeler
But I don't mind feeling hot
.
And every Saturday night
I just go wild and crazy
That night's okay to fight
But I'm feeling lazy
.
People call me an ass
Because of that daughter I ignore
But I feel I can be crass
To that good-for-nothing whore
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137,626 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
I frankly didn't like this I felt it was a bit inappropriate. That's a lot coming from me since I say a lot of inappropriate stuff. Talking about drugs and such in this poem isn't really my cup of tea. I didn't like how it described everything and I kind of found it offensive I don't know why.
Sorry I didn't like it, but it's just not for me. It doesn't mean others might not like it. So don't give up!
It wasn't entirely bad though, I didn't find it funny at all though. Even if I didn't find it offense it wouldn't be funny mostly because there's nothing funny about it. It could be considered as a poem or as drama maybe?
Time for tips:
-Change the genre if your not going to contain any good-humor into it.
-I don't really understand it that well, maybe make it more understandable?
-Write, write, write. Practice makes perfect
Sorry, it wasn't a good review but I'm sure not all your work is bad. I take humor seriously so I get a bit harsh when someone makes a mistake.
Don't take it personally, take my criticism as experience to stride for better next time.
Hope I didn't offend you.
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14; Member of Salsa Verde
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
I like the whole structure of the poem. It speaks deep about the way a drug addict feels. I recommend including more of the daughter. Maybe if we saw why the addict feels like her daughter is a whore we might understand the last stanza more. I was once taught to use the first part and last part of a literary piece as the strongest because its the most important parts that will be remembered by the reader.
The next few poems, including my poem called "Please, Danny" focus on the daughter.
Hai, I'm Tigga!
I'll be making a review for you today!
I think it looks good and I like the story, it's especially good if you're listening to Bastille - Of The Night at the same time! xD
I think maybe adding a little more punctuation might help and maybe trying in a new format maybe and it'd have a deeper impact on the reader.