Now why in the world are you standing there?
Come on over here, and pull up a chair!
Sit with us, for we are all your peers,
We'll talk about the past over some beers.
I was never one to be a reporter,
And I did not mean to record her
Doing those things with Ryan.
But then you knew she was lyin'.
So how have you been doing since you split?
I certainly hope that you haven't quit.
There's still love beyond these walls,
You just got to look out for those big falls.
In fact, I think we're all headed out,
This tavern's going through a drought.
But you really need somebody to love,
It'd be an answered prayer from above.
This is the first half of part one of another series I'm doing. Please stay tuned for the second half, entitled "Maggie".
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138,238 Literary Works • 672,089 Reviews
Hey there, wtp!
"talk about the past" is the thing that's tripping this line up. Try changing "talk about the past" to reminisce.An interesting poem! I actually like the rhyme scheme you've got going here. I usually don't like rhyming poetry, but it seemed to me like his friends were trying to cheer him up, and rhyming kind of showed that to me.
That being said, there are a few things you can improve upon.
A bunch of the meter is off. Now, since you're technically not bound to any one meter, I won't be too rough on it, but some of the lines lacked enough syllables, or stressed enough weird ones that I couldn't not talk about them.
These lines fit together well, but the transition between the number of syllables before was quite jarring. Add some syllables to both of these lines to make it not sound quite as strange.
Tavern seems weird. Perhaps say "bar is" instead.
It seems really odd to bring religion into this poem so late in the game. It almost seems like you wrote this line specifically to rhyme with love. It's not doing it for me. A poem's last line is arguably the most important one. It should give the same feeling as the rest of the poem, but it doesn't. It makes the poem seem kind of... tacky, somehow.
Anyway, I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Funny you should mention that last line. It does sound a bit... cheesy. Or maybe forced, or out of place. But believe me, I did not just say that so it'd rhyme. It's actually key to the plot of my next few poems.
Hey!
This was well put together, I think. The rhymes were pretty good; I know normally in poems there's at least one time where there's one of those 'almost' rhymed words, but I didn't see any of those. So I'm really pleased with your poem.
The thing I noticed though, is that your title is Damon, you talk about said Damon in the description... but I really do not see anything to do with a Damon, or a male character for that matter ( besides your narrator which you already mentioned was not Damon ). So where is Damon, if he's not in the poem with his name on it?
Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, I just thought that that was a little odd.
The other thing is just this:
I don't think the 'big' does anything for this. If I were you I think that I would just leave it:
You just got to look out for those falls.
I think it flows better... just a thought.
Other than that, I thought this was pretty interesting. Keep up the awesome poetry!!!
-Socks