Maggie

Hello, lovely.

To begin the review, I'd like to say that you do have a handle on some analogies, and they're used quite well. I feel like that's a strong point for you to work off of.

However, your poem is far from perfect as far as technique goes. To begin with, you don't need to end every line with punctuation, especially if that punctuation is incorrect (the comma at the end of stanza 2 line 3 should be a semicolon; same with stanza 3 lines 1 and 3, and stanza 4 line 1). Punctuation is, in fact, mostly optional when you're writing a poem, because at a line break, the reader will pause naturally (it's like a little invisible comma). All the periods and commas throughout the piece - yes, and the one semicolon - distract from the meaning of the words, because the reader is slowed down too much, and there's too much of a pause between each line when they're clearly meant to flow together.

Secondly, your rhyme is very forced. ABCB rhyme isn't the easiest to uphold - I know; I've tried - and you might benefit from a diffferent rhyme scheme. Part of this is that you choose words that do, in fact, technically rhyme, but they don't have the same emphasis or the same syllabic stress, and as a result they undermine your structure as a whole. In the word "subject", for example, the stress is on the first syllable, so when you rhyme it with "neglect", where the stress is on the last syllable, it sounds very awkward. You have no meter of which to speak, either, and meter - keeping track of the number of syllables and the pattern of stressed syllables - can help you when you're trying to find a line to go with a line that came before, and it makes your poem sound a bit more natural to a reader.

Thirdly, your diction and grammar are a little... odd. "I got nothing" distracted me from the rest of the poem (when it should be "I have" or even "I've got" if you want to keep the informal spirit), because up until then your grammar was good. In the same vein, the last line of your third stanza didn't sit well for me. I think that you should rethink some of your word choices that you made simply for the sake of the rhyme, because "and maybe no class" sounds like it was very much for the sake of the rhyme - it doesn't fit the poem at all.

As for the meaning of the poem in general, it's very much a... straightforward way of putting things, which isn't so common in poetry. It's a plea to God, and it states things very flatly. None of the lines really struck an especial chord with me, and the meaning - while I can relate to it - isn't something that really inspires me. I think that with some editing, you could give this poem a real punch to it, though, and make it very plaintive and poignant to the reader, but where it sits right now, it actually doesn't evoke any emotion (within me, at least). I'm not sure what to feel, because none of the words really gave me emotion except the line "I'm a car with no more gas". That line is a good analogy, and a lot of people can relate to that feeling, which I think with a bit more work you could extend throughout the piece as a whole.

Where it sits? I'm not impressed as a reader, but I think you're capable of doing the work to make the reader impressed. You're a poet; their emotions are in your hands, and you have to use them. Keep writing, lovely!

Hey wtppowers! Unknown391625 here with another review!

This is awesome! I really do enjoy this poem. Your punctuation is correct, it rhymed. It definitely is romantic and spiritual. So, you did categorize the story and the genres flawlessly. Same with the rating. It's beautiful! And I am glad you will do more because I am intrigued to read more of it. Good job, wtppowers! You have inspired me for my next poem! I will look for more of your poems. This should go in the literary spotlight! Don't give up and always write, wtppowers!

-Unknown391625