Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I thought I saw you walk into the store
From the rain, you came soaking wet.
It was seventeen minutes to four,
And you hadn't spoken yet.
That's because, because I wasn't thinking:
It wasn't you and I was sinking,
'Cause now you all look the same.
Then I saw you sitting on the bus,
Looking out into the night.
I sat and told you about us,
But you said that I wasn't right.
That's because, because I just didn't understand,
That wasn't you holding my hand.
And I said "shit, you all look the same."
And there was no use in keeping up,
You just weren't having it.
No, there was nothing I could do.
But every woman I saw was you.
I thought I saw you sitting at the bar
Flirting with the other men.
Compared to me, they had all gone far,
Don't know what I was thinking then.
That's because, I almost came to my senses,
But I found that thought offensive:
There was no way you all looked the same.
Tell me what are you up to?
There just isn't that much to do.
And I've asked everyone,
I'm beginning to think you were never really there.
And there was no use in keeping up,
You just weren't having it.
No, there was nothing I could do.
But every woman I saw was you.
But now I've seen you for real this time,
You had a frown across your face.
Could've sworn that I'd crossed the line;
That I brought you some disgrace.
That's because, because "I was chasing tail,
Living in a fairytale.
What do you mean, that we all look the same?"
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140,234 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
I thought I saw you walk into the store
From the rain, you came soaking wet.
It was seventeen minutes to four,
And you hadn't spoken yet.
If it where me I would rephrase all that and add more detail personally.
and to be honest that's the only part I personally would change.
other then that I think it is absutly perfect I love it and wouldn't change anything else.
I really hope to see more of your work I would love to read your other songs if you have them
good luck on upcomeing posts and songs that you write.
Hello! This is a great poem! I liked the repetition of certain phrases and words throughout, it made it more complete. There were a couple lines that seemed to awkwardly stand out, like the "because I just didn't understand" one and the "you were never really there" one. Since you rhyme in some/most of the place, I would recommend going through this again and making sure you have a rhyming pattern and that you stick to it for every line and stanza. Also, I almost wish you didn't write the last two stanzas, because now I'm a little confused about what's going on between these two people- but if it just ends with "but every woman I saw was you" I think that appeals much more strongly to the regret and sorrow and madness people can feel after a bad break-up or a loss of someone important. But this poem was great to read, keep posting please!
-picklesole
Hey, wtppowers!
I love the style, the theme and the words you chose for your poem- it all fitted together nicely and you wrote it wonderfully!
While I was reading it, I really felt the intensity of the character's feeling and how desperate he was. Of course, there were many parts where I couldn't help but smile a bit at how well crafted the poem was, although the theme was pretty serious! I truly admire your writing style and the way you expressed the romance between the two people- I loved it!
My favourite part was the beginning and the end. You drew your readers into the story of the characters immediately with your great choice of words to start it off. Then, at the end, you left your readers wondering what will happen next, but of course, there isn't a sequel! XD
This is a great poem! Continue your writing, my friend!
MissLyricz x
P.S. You've earned yourself a follower!