Did all of your fears take flight
When you stayed with me last night?
Did you want it all to never end?
Did you have to question wrong from right?
Did you think that I would bite
When you stayed with me last night?
You thought that the signals I'd send
Would've thrown you into plight.
They say that when you go to college,
You go there to get some knowledge.
That, I already know.
But they never told me
About the way it'd be
When you joined the show.
So what's the story, morning glory?
What's the word, hummingbird?
Why don't you try to close your eyes
And remember the things you heard...
Hey what's cookin', good lookin'?
What here is new, Betty Sue?
I swear I'll do anything.
Anything for you.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
This is such a sweet song.It has great flow.I love how you used the word and hummingbird things.That was simply whimsical.You could add a chorus thought,to add to that length and flow.You could add to music as well.It seems like something that should be sung.You can get apps to help the process.Its also a little hard to understand.It was hard to determine what you ment.You did such a great job.I really did adore it.
Hey, wtppowers!
Nice song you've got here. I think you should add a repetitive and catchy chorus, and maybe some more verses. This is was rather short, so I was hoping for more. I have absolutely nothing to say, except why those last few paragraphs go with the main idea. I was a little confused, so you might want to lighten me up on that. Otherwise, I'm empty. Have a good day, and keep writing!
-wisegirl22
I like the lyrical flow of this piece and the way that you've used rhyme subtly rather than making the mistake of forcing the piece to rhyme. I love the way that you repeat 'last night' in the first two stanzas before continuing on a different vein.
I haven't really found anything to criticise in this poem so I just thought I'd tell you that I loved it and I really hope that you carry on writing beautiful poems.
This kinda reminds me of country bluegrass. I think the lyrics really fit together and it flows. Although, I don't really know what it's about (I can't figure out poetry at all), I still sensed the beauty behind the words. I found this poem really nice. Good work!
Hi There.
I really like the way it rhymes. specially how you've incorporated rhymes into the same line. 'Story, Glory', 'word, hummingbird'. I totally, loved this..
So the first two stanzas, I was very caught up in it.. It just flowed so well and had this really good rhyme going.
The next few line are nice too, but here I'd like to make a suggestion. Consider combining those two stanzas of three lines each and turning them into one. In it's current state, the flow gets completely disrupted. Just give it a thought.
The only major issue I had, was with the last stanzas.. It just seemed to end so abruptly!
Anyways, just give it a thought.. Hope I could help..
Harshita
Thank you for your input! When I wrote this, I had intended for it to be like a song. Those 3-line stanzas are (to me) the bridge, or pre-chorus, of the song.
I see what you mean now..