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18+ Language

Depression/Reality (She Said No)

by wtppowers


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

I. Depression

Nobody loves me,

I've got to face that fact.

But I can’t just let it be;

The loneliness is a large tract.


She said no to me,

“It’d be weird” she said.

Why couldn't she see

She was the only thing in my head?


I can’t hurry love;

I’ll just have to wait.

Well, I want to shove

All the unwanted weight


"I’ll get it soon enough,"

What a load of shit!

They called my bluff;

I've got no more grit.


Fuck what they think,

Even though they’re right.

I’m a loser, I’m a stink.

I won’t sleep at night


She was going to be the one,

The person I desired.

She wasn't, I’m done.

Fuck preaching to the choir.


II. Reality

Shut the fuck up,

You’re not all that sad.

It’s a tragedy, yup,

But it ain't all that bad


She wants to remain friends,

You’re lucky to have that.

Now you see how your will bends,

Don’t be such a whiny brat!


This was a learning experience,

You’ll need it whole.

It was a stroke of brilliance

That fell short of its goal.


It took some balls

To do what you did.

Now you’ll walk the halls

Like a man, not a kid.


You’re done with love?

Hey, that may be true;

Rejection is something you’re sick of,

But don’t let it pale your hue.


There are others out there,

Twice as good as she.

I don’t know where,

But good luck will be on thee.


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54 Reviews


Points: 361
Reviews: 54

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Tue Jul 08, 2014 12:49 am
LanguidLiger wrote a review...



I like the dialouge you put to work here. I know reason doesnt beet out deppression at the best of times. Ive felt that long disjointed ebb that doesnt feel domestic as well. But the sarcastic way in wich you handle depression is humerous and pleasently down to earth. But it sounds like your allowing depression to hold realitys reigns as its own and you wont get very far this way. Try to adapt a more affable stance, after all this is a solitary existence and no ones sorrow is taking centre stage. Also, I may be speaking of a single facet or insinuated anecdote of sadness, but if this is truly the cause of your sadness, drop it and view it with cinicism and a sardonic humor. You may find inspiration in the gratuitous deconstruction of triviall events.




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35 Reviews


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Reviews: 35

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Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:58 am
Inlovewithwriting wrote a review...



Wow
This is a great poem. I can really relate to it.
My boyfriend dumped me like it was nothing, and I really cared for him
But he only went me because he wass desperate, not because he cared
He rejected me, and did so way before he decided to call it quits.
Anyway keep writing, because you had me in tears
Some may not like the strong language, but as a reader I could feel the strong emotions in your writing.
This is a great poem.




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Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:15 am
Purple29 wrote a review...



Wow....

Okay, this was a seriously intense piece! There are so many different things I like about it! So, let's start a wonderful list :P

1) You rhyme! -- Now, I don't write poetry. I only write novels and short stories, so poetry is way out of my league. I know you don't have to rhyme a poem, but, when I read a poem that does rhyme, it just feels even more poemy than the others! And you do a good job at rhyming and still making it sound natural. So, good job there!

2) You really put your voice in this piece. -- The way it is written, it sounds like this really happened to you and you're pouring your heart out on paper. The fact that your voice is so profound makes the piece just that much better, so good job on that too!

3) Your anger is portrayed well! -- The profanity helps with this, like Rurouni said. You don't overwhelm the ready with swear words, but you convey the anguish and dismay. It works well.

Okay, so things that can maybe be improved? There's really only one suggestion I'd make, and it totally contradicts my first bulletin point, so prepare yourself for some intense hypocrisy! :P What I would love to see done is for you to write a poem with the same ideas, the same intentions etc, but without rhyming... I love this poem the way it is, but I'd be curious to see what you're able to do just free styling it! I think you could really let your anger and frustration run wild with rambling train-of-thought sentences, or with short, chopping snaps! that'd be my only suggestion, because I really like this poem otherwise!

Great job and keep up the writing!! :)

MF




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Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:13 am
Aley wrote a review...



Hey there, Aley here.

So you're a rhymer huh? I've got a great article that you can read about what one YWSer thinks about what makes good and bad rhymes. Maybe you'll agree with it. Rhyme...all the time! Either way, I'd suggest you check it out. It's a lot of fun to see what other people think about those things.

Overall I'm not completely positive about the method of attack that you took with this poem. I do like that you came back with the rebuttle, but some of them seem rather cliche, and same thing with the first section of the poem.

This article might help you identify what I'm talking about.
Cliches in Poetry


I do really like how you have the external opinions in the second part. You use a good argument method to show how these opinions might not be accurate, but you hear them all the time when you're dealing with rejection, and sometimes they can be just as painful as actually being rejected. It was a smart move.

I'd suggest, with editing this poem, work on making sure that your rhymes don't sound forced. Right now a lot of them seem really obvious and they sort of strike you in the face like a wiffle ball. The ones in the last stanza are a perfect example. "Thee" comes out of nowhere because the rest of the poem is spoken in our every day English. If you wanted to write the entire thing in Shakespearean language, then go all out or go home. The dropped word here or there doesn't really add anything to the poem and just is sort of like a bleeding wound in a fight. "twice as good as she" is another instance where it sounds really forced because we usually say "There are others out there/twice as good as her" or "as she is" instead of just leaving it at "she" because it feels rather incomplete. This, again, makes the rhyme sound really forced, especially paired with "thee" like it is.

If you wanted to cut down the length of this poem, you could look for sentences and phrases that are over-used or obvious like the first stanza in section two. Yes, we hear it all the time, but if we can find a more creative way to say this, then it will come out less as just a poem of found text messages, and more like a creative literature. You could mess with the line breaks too and instead of just using end stop, break it up so that the message is less apparent and spread out over space. This could add a unique impression to the poem in general too.

Overall, I'd suggest working on this poem from a more direct angel, like showing us physically what's going on. If you'd like a challenge, here is one for you:

Write this poem again, but instead of using voices to talk at us, just show us everything. Never say emotional words, but show it to us through symbolic language. Use third person and show us the emotions you were trying to convey in this poem.

This review courtesy of
Image




wtppowers says...


I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING MY RHYMING SOUNDS FORCED. I SWEAR THAT IT ALWAYS COMES FROM YOU.
But I'm not mad at you.
I hate it when poems don't rhyme, it's just not poetry to me.



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Mon Jul 07, 2014 1:52 am
Rurouni wrote a review...



Hia! Rurouni here to review!


Interesting poem. I like your use of profanity (as odd as that might sound). Some people just go off cussing with no real rhyme or reason (not that there is a rhyme or reason to it, but you know what I mean~). You used it enough we got the frustration/anger? And personally I wasn't overwhelmed with it.

It took me a minute or two to get this, but even now I'm still a bit confused.

II. Reality

Shut the fuck up,

You’re not all that sad.

It’s a tragedy, yup,

But it ain't all that bad


Is this reality talking to Depression? This had me a bit confused.


I can’t hurry love;

I’ll just have to wait.

Well, I want to shove

All the unwanted weight



"I’ll get it soon enough,"

What a load of shit!

They called my bluff;

I've got no more grit.


You're asking yourself, why did she quote this, and bold part of it? I feel like the bolded part it just... It doesn't seem to fit for some reason. And then the idea is left behind in that stanza and we don't know what the narrator wants to do with the weight. In the next stanza I don't understand your first line, you'll get what soon enough? Sanity? A girl? Love? I think perhaps love, but I'm unsure.


Even with my nitpicks, I liked this poem. It was nicely written, and you didn't overwhelm your narrator with too many cusses, but you had just enough to get the message through, I applaud you on that! Bravo! This was a nice work! Thanks for putting this up here so I could read it!


Well, I must wander off now!

Always,

~Shad




wtppowers says...


Bolded part? Nothing's bolded.
And yes, Reality is talking to depression.



Rurouni says...


It is in the review... It looks fine over here...



wtppowers says...


oh.



LanguidLiger says...


I like the dialouge you put to work here. I know reason doesnt beet out deppression at the best of times. Ive felt that long disjointed ebb that doesnt feel domestic as well. But the sarcastic way in wich you handle depression is humerous and pleasently down to earth. But it sounds like your allowing depression to hold realitys reigns as its own and you wont get very far this way. Try to adapt a more affable stance, after all this is a solitary existence and no ones sorrow is taking centre stage. Also, I may be speaking of a single facet or insinuated anecdote of sadness, but if this is truly the cause of your sadness, drop it and view it with cinicism and a sardonic humor. You may find inspiration in the gratuitous deconstruction of triviall events.



Rurouni says...


That is not the place to put a review, @LanuidLiger



Rurouni says...


@LanguidLiger

Wrong place. *type DX*



LanguidLiger says...


Yeah sorry about that, haha. Feel like a fool now (:



Rurouni says...


>>




"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland