People are too busy dying;
They have no time for life.
Perhaps they should drop the gun
And try to have some fun.
People only starve themselves;
They have no time to eat.
Maybe they should pick up their spoons
And swell their stomachs like balloons.
People are too busy fighting;
They have no time for peace.
I think they should all hold hands
And walk along the seaside sands.
People want to stay connected;
They have no time to break away.
I recommend they turn off their phones
And release the tension in their bones.
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey there! *trumpets sounding* I have come to review!
This is a wonderful poem and I only have one quote to point out (lucky you hahaha!)
This is something of my personal preference, but I would being this line with "to" instead of "and" because of the line previously. Are people picking up spoons and puffing out their stomachs or are they using the spoons to eat something to make their stomach swell (which is what I thought you were trying to get across). Even these little words can change a lot of meaning.
I would also like to say that I have been told to not capitalize every single line, but others have been told opposite. I just wanted to throw that out there as an option
Overall, wonderful job, interesting rhyme scheme. I loved it!
Keep it up and Happy Writing!
Hello!!
So, I really love the whole piece except for just a few lines that seem a little forced. But, I see what you mean, here, with this poem. I really love that this flows and makes sense, as well.
You are obviously a very skilled and talented writer. Great job!! Keep it up!!
But, I only have one complaint. I think the ending could have been more powerful if there were more lines and a better closer than, "And release the tension in their bones." I believe something more powerful could have been used to sum this poem all up and something else would have been an even mrs perfect closer.
But, all in all, I had fun reading this and it really meant something to me. Now, that is not something I could say about most writing. So, great job!!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
I love the constant rhythm that you keep in this poem, it makes it really easy to read and it flows really well. As far as I can see you have made no spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors, well done for that. I love how you've addressed a lot of the primary issues in our society, I find that sort of thing quite interesting and you really drew me in with your good use of vocabulary.
I particularly like, 'I think they should all hold hands,
And walk along the seaside sands.' As well as your rhythm being perfect I loved the use of alliteration and it was so easy to imagine the situation which you were describing.
If there could be any improvements to this, it would be that although most of the vocabulary you have used is very good and proves quite effective, I would suggest that you change the line, 'And try to have some fun.' Don't get me wrong, I really like the stanza, its just that compared to the rest of the poem it seems a bit primitive and differs from the manner in which the rest of the poem is written.
In addition to this I think you could use a better quality of language on the entire piece. Although effective, this use of language is a little simplistic. If you were to change it round a bit it would be even better than it already is.
Apart from that I really like this poem; it has a great use of rhythm and you have portrayed the topic in a very open and honest way which I love. Please keep writing, I really look forward to reading even more of your work. If it is anything like this it will be excellent.
Feel free to check out some of my work sometime!
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