*You got fifteen minutes, kid*
*To pour your heart out*
Thanks, doc, for what you did
I'll try to take the short route
Introduction
There's nothing more
In this broken heart of mine
I'm through with life, I took the tour
My light will no longer shine
I'm a loser
I've become so hollow
And so deprived of love
There's nothing for you to follow
But everything to get rid of
I'm a loser
You may be wondering
How did I get like this?
Well I'll tell you of my blundering
And how I fell from bliss
In The Beginning
I used to be fun
And full of joy
With my friends I would run
With my shoelaces undone
Just another American boy
My parents loved me
and gave me every toy
I was as happy as could be
The day was mine to enjoy
I'm a loser
Things stayed the same
And I felt really good
The world was just a game
There was nobody to blame
But things change, as they should
Either willingly or forced
The worst things happend, knew it would
My parents got divorced
And things got bad for good
Deterioration
I soon became sad
And never left the house
My mentality was bad
I began to go mad
Quiet as a mouse
I was bullied at school
I'd hide the face my tears would douse
Everyone except me was cool
I wanted to hind behind mama's blouse
I'm a loser
I was an outcast
In the back of the room
Well as the years passed
And as time went by fast
I saw nothing but doom
Every night I would cry
Sinking into my gloom
Asking "Why can't I die?"
Or climb back in the womb
Things Get Worse
My mother broke down
And I moved in with my father
He was a king who wore a crown
And upon us, he would just frown
Why did he even bother
To take us in?
He didn't love us
Me and my brother
We got on the school bus
With the opposite of fuss
Because we didn't want another
Hour at home
I'm a loser
Junior year was the worst
For more than one reason
My bubble finally burst
I felt like I was cursed
It was never the season
To enjoy my life
I'm a loser
I was like a pedestrian
In a new town to enter
I struggled in the courses they test me in
My true love turned out a lesbian
And I went to a crisis center
After my mother died
Thinking
I'm just a failure
One with no friends
No cash, no job, just tailored
To live with no ends
I'm a loser
Never had a girl
*TIME'S UP, GIVE IT A WRAP*
Please, give me another whirl-
*PACK IT IN LOSER, THIS POEM'S CRAP*
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
This was a very heartfelt poem. I can tell you put a lot of time and care into it. My only criticism is that it is very unclear what your rhyme scheme is. All in all, I loved this poem. I apologize for not much help with the criticism but I'm not good at long reviews. Call me stupid or whatever but I you feel your life sucks, watch my little pony: friendship is magic. It sounds lame but I think it could really help.
Thanks for the review! I changed up the rhyme scheme numerous times here, so that's probably why you got a bit confused.
Okay, so. I thought this was a serious poem and I was about to jump in with a few nitpicks (because I have no sense of humor when it comes to poetry unless it says outright that it's satire or humor).
I'm glad to know that this was meant to be more humorous because I wouldn't have been able to sit through such a long poem that would only continue on and on. I like the italicized words because I can sort of hear the voice of someone offstage during an audition. Very cool.
I have to mention this, though: sad and mad? I cannot stand when those two words are rhymed. It's a quirk of mine that cannot be toned down, even with funny poems. I'm trying to ignore that, though, because I did, in fact, get a nice laugh in after reading this.
My only nitpick would be the first two lines. I recommend combining them by deleting the second and third asterisks, or making it so that the voices seem to be coming from two different people. Just an idea.
I'm probably not making much sense or helping you out (let's face it. I'm worthless when I'm tired) but there should be at least one valid point in here somewhere.
I might come back with a better review because I can't think straight right now. Until then, have a fantastic day/evening/night.
DarkHeart
Hey, any criticism is helpful criticism. Thanks!