Note: This is the first poem in a series of five poems. I have written the poems so that they do not directly tie together, but connections can be made if the reader thinks about it a little. These connections will probably change a little from reader to reader. So I encourage you to read the other poems, and if you have the time tell me what connections you see.
Also, I wanted every other stanza to be indented, but I couldn't get it to work for some reason. The only way I could get it to do what I want is to put it like a list. So please ignore the dots.
You've traveled wide and far.
Seen the other side of this sea.
Touched sky a few times.
But always returned home.
You've faced monsters and giants.
Mechanical foes that could've blown.
Crowds of enemies pressing in.
But somehow you made it.
Your friends fell left and right.
For this force you oppose
would surely take it's small victories.
Your friends paid the price.
This is to your friends.
Your comrades in arms,
those who fell in battle,
who couldn't make it home.
Tell them thank you.
Tell them that for me.
I don't know their names,
but you hold their memories.
Whether they were in the army
of my country and bought freedom.
Or the army of my faith
and bought me hope.
Tell them thank you
just one more time.
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Hey there.
I'm not a big fan of this poem. The first four stanzas are nice. I really like the imagery there.
After that though, it kinda goes downhill for me. Line two of the fifth stanza is too vague to relate to. I know you're talking about all soldiers, but it would be nice to have a little something more to connect with. I'm afraid I'm coming up blank at the moment though :/
So, the farther you go into the poem, the more and more literal it gets and the less I like it. I wish you had stuck with the beautiful imagery and similes you had going in those first four stanzas.
One of my favorite bits is where you say children know that everything has a cost. They play shop to learn it. It sounds strange in the poem though. I think some rewording may be needed.
Finally, you randomly bring up faith. If you were going to bring up both, I wish you had done it throughout the entire poem, instead of randomly mentioning faith at the end.
Mainly, I think this idea can be expanded and explored and made even more beautiful via imagery and metaphors/similes.
I love the lines "A ghost of a memory is a gift and a curse." It rings very true for me.
On to the next poem,
Megs~
Best stuff I have read today.!
Salutations.
Normally, I do not review poems, as I am not the best at analysing them and because they are so short - I specialise in spelling, grammar and vocabulary for a reason - but because you asked so nicely, I shall make an exception.
I like how you reversed the phrase "far and wide"; it makes your poem more refreshing. I have noticed your affinity for full stops, however, and I cannot say it is always appropriate. In your first stanza, for example, I would have used a full stop only in the fourth line, replacing the others with commas.
Did you mean "Touched the sky a few times," or did you deliberately omit the comma?
The enjambment here made me think every second stanza was a haiku, but then I counted the syllables. :$
In your second line here, it seems to me that the line ends interrupted. What is the point of that? Oh, and you see, here the third line's full stop is suitable.
Why did you use a contraction here? I don't see it making much of a difference to the flow or tempo of the poem...
Okay, this time, using a full stop instead of a comma creates a much more serious error: In line two, For is used with the same meaning as because. If a comma does not precede it, it is grammatically incorrect.
Would you perhaps hyphenate these two words? It took me a few seconds to realise what you had meant.
I would much rather make the whole stanza one continuous sentence.
The same as the previous.
Though you have misused the full stop significantly and made some other mistakes as well, your poem is touching nonetheless. I salute you for having the courage to write such a fitting and moving tribute, but keep your punctuation in mind next time.
Rating for this text: three stars (good)
Thank you for the review. You've really made me think about some things that hadn't come to mind until now. (I like the idea of making every other stanza a haiku)
It looks like I accidentally cut a word off of the third stanza when copying it to YWS. The second line is supposed to end with "blown."
Hey WritingWolf (love the name),
Great post
this poem clearly has had a lot of time and consideration put into every word which makes it effective and moving however I just wanted to ask about a few tiny things.
This poem holds many emotions and I feel it could be more formal to showcase this so instead of shortening words like you've and must've I would say try to write it out with you have and must have instead to see if this helps create a nicer tone to the poem however I do realise this will affect the rhythmic flow so don't worry if it doesn't work.
Also in the third to last stanza when you write the soldiers 'bought' freedom and hope do you literally mean they are buying freedom or bringing freedom? If they bring freedom rather than buy it then I think you mean brought, but this is only a small grammar point.
Apart from that, I really enjoyed reading this poem and hope to read the other poems in the series and find the connections!
~Franny
I meant bought. I considered doing brought. But in my mind the soldier who return home brought freedom, while the ones who died bought freedom.
Thanks for the review.
Hey there!! This is such a moving poem! And so inspiring! I really like the way you described everything so simple, yet it's more. It's difficult to describe the feelings I get when reading this.
In some ways it made me sad, I felt compassion for the loved ones lost so soliders left behind. In other ways it made me proud, and thankful to be able to live in a country where brave young men are willing to sacrifice their lives to keep us safe.
But most of all I am proud to be able to recognize the brave souls who sacrificed to protect our lives, and honoring them in such a way that they will always be remembered as great heroes. Keep up the good writing, and I hope to read more of your work soon!!