We're Just Fine

Hey Writing Wolf! I'm gonna review this, go team Dory! XD

I go stanza to stanza.

First Stanza

I like this stanza I think that it's strange but not in a super confusing way. It has a good ring to it, but I do think that that last line could be tweaked a little bit. Maybe:

"such a mystery"

Also I am wondering about the "of" sea, I think maybe it should be "in" sea? But then I am not exactly sure what you are trying to say, that said though it was interesting to read and I think a good way to start the poem.

Second Stanza

I liked this stanza but I felt like your rhyming was a little bit forced. I couldn't see the connection with the start of it and so I didn't really see the connection. Also just a small nit pick, the "can't" didn't have an apostrophe. That said it is still well written. And perhaps the broken in is just in this sea? I am not sure, but I mean I do actually like the sound of it.

Third Stanza

Hmm. That's my reaction to it, I like it again, it's very strange, I'm guessing abstract? That said though I do think that it needs to be a bit more clear if that's possible. I mean I really believe that poetry has a sort of meaning with in it's meaning, and I just found this quite confusing. I am not too sure why there should be any "rhyme" included in it? I mean it doesn't work with your flow. I would suggest really looking that over and maybe changing that stanza. I don't know exactly what you mean, and sorry if this isn't helping, but I really do think it has lots of potential, and it's not bad, it just doesn't full make sense to me. But that's my opinion. I think maybe just tweaking it a bit might help like:

"The sweets of time"

They said with a rhyme,

but I couldn't turn away in time.

Possibly a little tweaking like that and quoting would help it to flow a bit better, and as for me understanding I think I do understand it a bit more like that, but not fully. But that's okay.

Fourth Stanza

I think a bit problem for me is the punctuation. For this one with a little changing of the punctuation would be great. I know sometimes question marks are annoying and if you want to remain monotonous having different punctuation may stand in the way, but that said, if that's the case, you could just not put any punctuation at all. But putting periods as the only punctuation made this hard for me to read a bit. I think the best thing to do would be to put an exclamation mark at the end of this line:

Oh what cheats!

Just like that.

I think that helps the reader connect more with your poem.

Fifth Stanza

I liked stanza a lot. I think it would be my favorite stanza, very interesting, and very just straightforward. I just liked it. I also kind of get your rhyming scheme, but I don't think you were consistent enough with it. If maybe you had given yourself more freedom with the rhyming, it would have worked out better, in my opinion. Although again this has a lot of potential and isn't that bad.

Sixth Stanza and Overall

I thought the ending was put simply to match the title. I'm sorry if that came out harsh, but that's the truth, I think this could be so great, but it sounds too forced. I really think it was a good poem, with but I really understand it. I would love to work with you on it if you agree and want to improve on it. I'm not really an expert on poems but I love them, and spent a lot of time on them. I also just try to cater to the writer if I'm in the right mind. XP But anyways, overall I thought this was obviously to some really good, but for me highly confusing and seemingly forced. That said though I do see that you are a good writer and I may just not understand what you mean to say. I mean that's happened before. I hope my analysis helped somewhat. XP

--Keep writing and keep dreaming!

Very nice poem. I liked it! Good job, and it may be back with more thoughts later?

~storyisking

Hey there! Booklover33 here!
And I just wanted to tell you that this poem is pretty good!
While the grammar and length could use a little work,
I liked it.

I'd say that this is the ingredients that could result in a quite delicious set of pancakes. Like previously stated, get some meat on the bones, make the rhyming a little more subtle, maybe try some longer lines?

I have no idea of how much effort you actually put into this, but it does come off as kind of fast-written, which is perfectly fine! Just remember that the magic happens when you rewrite your pieces of cole into diamonds.

And of course, write more!

Hi there, WritingWolf. I'm here to rescue your poem from the green room.

I like how you organized this. It looks very neat in its three line stanzas.

You did, however, take the prompt very generally, and I think that the prompt could do with more of a story behind it with the things you had to include just being in it. You say you want it to be interpreted by the reader however they want, but there's really no fun in that. I want you to tell me a story, or an emotion, or a color, or the image of a man lost at sea longing for chocolate. It's just not doing it for me as it is.

The other big thing that's not doing it for me is the rhyme scheme. Everything sounds very forced, and it's difficult to get through it without being annoyed by so many rhymes so close to each other.

A note about rhyme schemes: Never ever let your rhyme scheme control your vocabulary. If you find yourself putting down a word simply because it rhymes with the previous line, stop. Write a free verse poem first, and if rhymes happen naturally, then go with that. Do not force yourself to rhyme. It will not improve your poem.

Some lines don't make sense in your poem, either, without any context to put them in. The offending lines are these:

past this broken inn.

They said it with a rhyme.

They work sorta like a tribe

What a funny little rhyme.

This is a very nice poem, Dear. It is so happy and sad and lonely and friendly...it has so many emotions in it. You have a great rhyming scheme going on, and it flows very nicely. I love the image and feel. Once again, good job!

~Rainn

it put an imig of a bot in the oshin, sayling with no one stering it... and the tow friends w'er singing together. it made me fell happy and sad at the same time.

P11

its nice... i know you whant a BIG thing but i dont know what to say...

P11