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History is Made

by WritingWolf


History is made,
In so many ways,
When maters not,
And whom even less.

History is made,
By the Sailor,
Who rides the tides
And discovers new land.

Or by the soldier,
Brave and strong,
That fights for his county,
And the people he loves.

And maybe the peasant,
Who never bothers you,
You pay him no heed,
Yet he helps you even now.

The duchess may too,
Make history in some way,
With soft words, and swift hands,
Her influents carries 'round.

And that boy down the street,
Playing in the dirt.
May one day,
Change the path of our great nation.

So remember, History is made,
By all who play its game,
So tread carefully,
And sleep a little longer,

Soon it will call you out,
To walk on its well worn path,
And make some change,
Remember this, my little child.


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:59 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi WritingWolf. I think it's interesting what you're trying to do, evoking the stories of the "little people" in history. However, I agree with Rydia that the images need to be more specific. It might be interesting to contrast more famous figures in history with the impact that ordinary people really have . For example, Magellan is credited with being the first to sail around the world, but in reality he died in the Philippines. It was 18 "ordinary" sailors who finished the journey in reality.

Also, I don't understand, why you have, randomly placed commas, at the end, of every line. See how annoying that sentence was to read? In general, I always suggest that you use the same punctuation (and capitalization) in poetry as you would in prose. While people can and do break the rules in poems, it generally has some purpose, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

Also, there's some misspelled words, which might be typos, but I will point them out anyway.

"maters"=matters
"county"=country
"influents"=influence

Overall, this has a good meaning, but it could be stronger with more concrete images. Keep writing! :)




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:45 am
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Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:37 am
Pencil2paper wrote a review...



Hey, Wolf!
First of all, I loved the theme of the poem. I also thought the execution of the theme was great. I too believe that anyone can make a difference in the world and that we should be doing more to make history and change the future.

Although I usually enjoy free verse poetry more than poetry with a definite rhyme scheme, I think that it would help to have a consistent rhyme scheme in this instance. I think it would help the poem flow more easily and would also be a great equalizer between the different groups of different people, driving in the theme that we can all make a difference.

Overall I thought it was a wonderful poem with a fantastic theme and great writing. I look forward to reading more from you.

~Pencil




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 1:38 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi, hi!

Structure

I like the theme you're working with here but I think the structure you've chosen of such short lines, especially in the beginning, is holding you back. I'd like to see more description and get a deeper sense for the changes these people make or have made on our world and the pond-ripple effect of that. I'd love you to show how one changes inspires another and another until somewhere down the line even the smallest of impacts leads to something huge so it isn't just a small boy that can grow into a man who will make a big change, but also an ordinary person who by making a small change might inspire others to greatness. I feel like there's so much more on this theme you could cover and I'm sure it's hard to pick and choose which aspects, but you could easily fit another in here.

Be Specific

My biggest piece of advice is to try and make each of these examples specific instead of vague because that will make them feel more real. It's hard to connect with some sailor who travels to a new land because every sailor does that but the boy playing in the dirt? That's a nice additional description which brings us closer to him. Maybe the sailor is a spice merchant? Even that would give us that little bit more information. Or maybe the duchess whispers in the ear of the duke to spare a life and that person then goes on to become a soldier and fight for his nation? Linking the examples in this way would also help because it would produce the ripple effect I was talking about earlier.

Overall

I think that's enough points to be thinking about for now, but what I will say is that I like your theme here. It's the kind of thing that's sweet and that people want to see in a poem and once you've built a bit more atmosphere, this will be really good. Put a little bit more thought into choosing your words and maybe try a few techniques like alliteration (which is where words start with the same letter) or plosives (which are words with a harsh sound at the beginning, sort of like a bomb. You get blades and punches and monsters).

All these little techniques can really effect the sound and substance of a poem so try them out and see which ones you like!

All the best,

Heather xx




WritingWolf says...


I was trying to let the reader come up with the reasons behind what the people are doing, and who I might be referring to, for themselves.(thats why I was being vague) I'm not really very good at it yet; but thats why I try, so I can get better. Although thinking about it now, for this particular poem it probably would have been better to be more descriptive.
Thank you so much for the wonderful critique!



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Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:17 am
VimesyPumpkin says...



I really enjoyed this, well done! The only thing I can say for improvement is in the first stanza you might like to put 'when' and 'whom' in inverted commas because on first reading I missed the point! Very possible that it's just me though haha!
Lovely anyway :) x




WritingWolf says...


Thank you!!!




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