O.k. this review will be largely analytical, but I really enjoy the challenge of writing a review for a haiku. I think Iit is fine as it is, and any recommendations or changes I suggest will merely be constructive, yo hopefully help the next haiku you write.
My first qualm is on word choice. In a haiku each line, each word, each syllable has to be exquisite, and "suddenly" is plain. It is the obvious choice. Instead try to capture some feeling in the word choice. Make the line itself abrupt and sudden in order to convey that feeling.
Also in the line, "Air was in my lungs," it practically tells the reader what will happen before it has, by using the past tense. This is not what you want. If you want to convey a feeling of shock, then telling the reader what will happen before hand will not help.
What I really liked though was "My dearest ocean." This part seemed so detracted from the rest, almost as if it was about to go into something more, rather like a letter would have that on the first line.
So without further ado, how personally I would re-write your poem.
I breathe pure, sharp, air,
But where air was, air is gone.
My dearest ocean.
You see now methinks why I think you shouldn't edit: it would be a different poem. I hope you find this review helpful,
Yours in writing,
The Fiend.
Points: 13351
Reviews: 433
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