He sat on an egg that was not his.
For hours and days,
Then weeks and months.
She said she'd come back.
But that never happened.
Mayzie the lazy bird
Couldn't even wait for her child
To come forth from its prison.
Instead she gave the task
To her elephant friend.
Horton, the kind hearted elephant,
Happy to help his friend.
Was left all alone in a tree
To be laughed at and teased
Because elephant's don't sit in trees.
His compassion was great.
Great enough for him to wait
And wait and wait and wait
For a bird that wouldn't come.
But kindness knows no bounds.
He made a promise.
And that promise he would keep.
Even when his tree was moved
To some circus on Balm Beach.
Where the gawking grew worse.
If only she could've been
A little more like Horton,
With compassion abounding.
What a wonderful mother
Mayzie would have made.
No reward will come for her,
The lazy bird who left.
Just for a short break,
Or so she had told him,
But she never did come back.
But kind and patient
This elephant did wait.
And soon enough you'll see
A baby elephant-bird
Hatch from Horton's egg.
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hey there! Purple here to review for you! HAPPY REVIEW DAY!! Let's get started.
This was sufficiently original despite it based off an already existing book. I quite enjoyed this even though the main thought running through my head was "If he sits on the egg..wouldn't it break???" Anyway, this was cute! It's like children's book fan fiction haha! One general nitpick: punctuation/capitalization. I don't think you should capitalize every line because imagine if this was in book-format; only the first word of each new sentence is capitalized. The punctuation is usually a problem that can be corrected, like this
"He sat on an egg that was not his
for hours, and days,
then weeks, and months." It just gives a little grammatically correct pause in there that helps with flow and general reading. There's more like this throughout but nothing too major.
I hope this helped and have a happy review day!
~Purple
Thanks for the input.
But I intentionally capitalized every line because that's a technique used to make the first word of the line sound more important (kinda like how we make the last word in a line rhyme as a way of making them stand out). It's usually only used in older poetry so a lot of poets overlook it now-a-days.
Thanks for the review.
Flame here! A little late, but here nonetheless. Okay, a lot late. But I'll compensate with...hmm. What will I compensate with? That like was well-deserved, the gushing's well-deserved, and on account of having run dry of nitpicks, this review's brief.
Horton Hears a Who is one of my favorite Dr. Seuss books. How could it not be? Endless gratitude for you requesting in my thread. Can't let dust coat this little gem.
But I'd've loved this even if it wasn't based off Horton. Sometimes the simpler words have deeper meaning. Your line breaks were also...wow. I can't stop admiring them. I could take a ruler to this poem, and you still managed to break after prepositions, predicates, periods, commas, and significant ideas. Especially this stanza:
I don't know why. It just stood out to me. In a positive way, of course.
The punctuation was also spot-on, with the exception of a few period splices. Just quickly consult someone on grammar, think of it like prose. Look at that. My nitpicks border on insignificant.
"Kindhearted" is one word. And if Microsoft Word disagrees with you, exchange that space for a hyphen.
Since "elephant's" is neither a contraction nor showing possession, the apostrophe should be removed.
I think you meant the opposite here. "But kindness knows bounds." It's a delightful twist off the common expression. Or you could just remove the "but." But's sole function is to contradict.
That's all I have. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
This is a very beautiful poem! I loved every moment of it! Some lines were a little awkward, but I'm here to help with that. I truly am never going to forget this poem, ever. Mayzie the lazy bird...
I think that it should be changed to, "But she never returned/came". It would flow better.omit "even"
Kind hearted is one word, hyphenated.
The period should be a colon.
"Don't", in my mind, should be "shouldn't". It doesn't disrupt the flow.
This stanza rhymed and few others did. Either give each stanza a rhyme scheme, or don't. It feels awkward to bounce back and forth.
Just remember to punctuate the end of all lines, with a period or a comma.
Keep writing!
Hey! ajruby here to review!
Nit-picky stuff first..
1." Instead she gave the task" I believe there should be a comma between "instead" and "she".
2. "Happy to help his friend.
Was left all alone in a tree" The punctuation is off there. In fact, there are several more places where the punctuation should be changed. That's something to be careful of.
Now positive stuff! (Your favorite part, huh?)
I really like how you based this off of the book (which I happen to love, btw.) and I think that the whole thing is great! With a few tweaks and adjustments, I think this could be perfect!
So keep up the good work! Happy review day and may the reviews be ever in your favour!
-Lady Ariana
Genius. I liked how you took a children's book and made it so meaningful. Personally, I've not read the book, nor have I seen the movie. I thought this poem was excellent, however. So kudos to you!
Great and wait. And other times you don't.I have a few nitpicks. (Shocker, I know). Your rhyme scheme, or lack thereof, is off. Sometimes you rhyme. For example.
[/quote] But kind and patient
This elephant did wait.
And soon enough you'll see
A baby elephant-bird
Hatch from Horton's egg. [/quote]
I don't think you should rhyme, I think you should leave it out. I think this because if you do rhyme, you may convey that you're actually retelling this story other than pointed out the main message. I know enough about Dr. Seuss to know that his books rhyme. So I just wanted to point that out. Other than that teeny tiny little nitpick, I thought this was wonderful! Keep Writing, and I look forward to see what else you can come up with.
-Gravity
Thanks for the review.
yup