z

Young Writers Society



What The Winter Brings...

by spacesoldier


I see the snow start to fall, and hear the black birds call. I shudder knowing what the winter brings, I sit in the yard starring at every sparkling flake that lands. One slowly drops into my hand, it doesn't melt because I'm cold as ice. I look at it's imprint and see the sign of death, the tears start over flowing as my memory starts to return. I see it like I'm still there in that moment looking down at her, a face frozen in time. The color blue, so very pale, colder then the snow touching my bare feet. It hurts to look at her, but I took a deep breath and I looked down, I shivered as the door blew open. I wondered off to the field, and that's where I found her lying, oh so very still. Frozen in that field of ice, she lay all crumpled up, the world was so cruel to her. Did she just lay down and die? I looked down to see her and found that she was me...so now I truly see just what the winter brings.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
562 Reviews

Points: 719
Reviews: 562

Donate
Thu Sep 19, 2013 7:15 am
Button wrote a review...



Comma splicessssss. I'm not usually one to comment on grammar all too often with reviews, but they were painful to get through in this piece. Fix 'em. Pretty please. (A comma splice is when you add two clauses together without the appropriate transitory words or punctuation)

Next, you can cut a lot of this. You're very wordy, and it's clunky. Look this over again, and try reading it aloud. Does it sound natural? Now repeat the story, but instead of reading it off, say it like you're talking to a friend and telling them this story. Try making it sound human.

Good luck,




User avatar
508 Reviews

Points: 11370
Reviews: 508

Donate
Wed Sep 18, 2013 4:42 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Well, without the verse structure of the poem it's hard for me to point out much that way. So...technical pointers. "I shudder knowing what the winter brings, I sit in the yard starring at every sparkling flake that lands." That sentence is a comma splice; the comma should either be a semi-colon or a period. The same is true of the next two sentences as well. "colder then the snow", the "then" should be "than". " I wondered off to", the "wondered" should be "wandered". "she lay all crumpled up, the world was so cruel to her" is another comma splice; again, semi-colon or period to fix the issue.
Hope that helps!





It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
— Walt Disney