Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Narrative

E - Everyone

I Miss Living in Obscurity

by birk


Foul, mindless shadow.

You broke my father.

He nearly broke me,

yet he was kind; you were not.


Alas, I will not be broken.

Sometimes,

my hands shake.

There is too much of him in me.

Sometimes,

my faith is shaken.

There is too little of him in me.


Terrible warrior, deeds forgotten though.

Sailed the seas, but after it all; why bother.

Drown your memories, ignore the plea.

I never knew you, now I wish it was still naught.


However, I know you now, I have

One photograph.

I look like him.

There is no escaping it; I wish I could.

One photograph.

I look like you.

I am neither.


Even now, I wish to forget those bouts.

He would agree, remove the bleakness,

find the defaults.

Pick the right shots.

I can’t see, come nearer.

Look at you, you’re a shoo-in.


Reverse the clock, I’ll have those doubts.

Same weakness,

same faults.

All the wrong thoughts.

Break the mirror.

I am standing on a ruin.


If there’s one person on this earth I’m afraid to admit I admire,

it would be him.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 375
Reviews: 17

Donate
Mon Nov 03, 2014 6:24 pm
View Likes
MarGeo wrote a review...



"Foul, mindless shadow.

You broke my father.

He nearly broke me,

yet he was kind; you were not."

There should be another comma between mindless and shadow.
The commas and periods seem to be confused.

"Foul, mindless shadow.

You broke my father,

He nearly broke me.

Yet, he was kind; you were not."

"
Alas, I will not be broken.

Sometimes,

my hands shake.

There is too much of him in me.

Sometimes,

my faith is shaken.

There is too little of him in me."
This is perfect and powerful PLEASE do not change a thing about this!

" I wish to forget those bouts" I don't know if you meant bouts or doubts.

This was very powerful to me. I don't know what angle you're coming from but I myself lost my Uncle a few years ago. He was like a father to me. My own dad and I are now okay but back the. My uncle was my best friend and father like figure. He died of alcoholism. It is something that runs in my family and I fear all the time I will end up like them. I want to be as happy as he was but he might have not have been so happy. I have even suspected he might have been abusive towards my aunt, which I never would have thought about if it wasn't for some recent events. I am wondering if this man I loved so much could be a lie and I don't know what side I want to believe in. I think of him when I read this.
F
A
T
H
E
R
I don't know what to believe anymore but this was comforting in ways that maybe it shouldn't have been. I feel the need to thank you.
Thank you.




User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 6357
Reviews: 105

Donate
Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:15 pm
View Likes
emjayc wrote a review...



Hello, I know this poem is several months old, but since you've been giving me such wonderful, informative reviews I wanted to look into what you've written. I know very little about poetry, so don't expect a fabulous review that's going to blow your mind because I can almost promise you that this sentence will be longer than my criticism.
I like that format of your poem; how it is acrostic and yet there are stanzas. You managed to sneak that in there in a subtle way and it reflects your theme.
Your narrator is conflicted and it's excellent that instead of simply writing "I am conflicted" you weave your words to mean the same thing. You show, but you do not tell. This is something many writers struggle to do and you manage it well!
Your words flow well throughout the poem. It reads elegantly and clearly.

I never knew you, now I wish it was still naught.


I must agree with niteowl when it comes to the line above; you seem as if you were straining to sound poetic.
I enjoyed this poem and now I know that the person giving me such great reviews is an excellent writer! Someone I can respect!




User avatar
110 Reviews


Points: 6441
Reviews: 110

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:49 pm
View Likes
Gardevite wrote a review...



Ohh Paragraph acrostic poetry. :D Let's get to reviewing!

So on first impressions i'm guessing that you're talking to someone, from the first stanza. I originally thought you were talking to your father, but then I realised you were not. Maybe a mother figure, or a grandparent or sibling? Well anyway on to reviewing :D

The poem doesn't really seem to flow well, and seems sort of mushed together. Towards the end of the poem where you get angrier, you could probably lighten up on the punctuation because anger is not slow paced.

Now as a reader, I also got a slight bit confused with the second and third last paragraphs. I can't really understand what you're trying to say here. I guess it's about going back in time and fixing mistakes, but I don't see how it fits in with the the rest of the poem.

I liked the last paragraph. It is hard to admit you admire someone that you shouldn't, even to a group of mostly online strangers ;). I would have liked to see more emotions in this paragraph, especially around the last few words, because they carry so much emotion.

But overall I liked your poem, and i'm just nit-picking :D




User avatar
1209 Reviews


Points: 28736
Reviews: 1209

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:44 pm
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Birkhoff. Nite here to review this piece for the Green Lanterns this fine Review Day!

Overall, I really like this. It has some strong emotion and good imagery.

However, I too was rather confused about the voices until I read your explanation below. Knowing that, it makes sense, but perhaps make it clearer in the poem. Perhaps some references to "you" being older or dead (I'm not sure which)?

I never knew you, now I wish it was still naught.


The second half sounds awkward, like you're trying to be poetic but it doesn't quite fit. I think something simpler, like "now I wish I never had".

However, I know you now, I have

One photograph.

I look like him.

There is no escaping it; I wish I could.

One photograph.

I look like you.

I am neither.


I like the idea of looking at these old photos and realizing, to your horror, that you look like them. However, I thought the presentation was a bit confusing. It might make more sense to start with "I look like you", as it sounds like that would be more surprising/anger inducing. Some imagery of the photos might be nice (what are they doing? Do they look peaceful/happy in contrast with reality?)

Overall, though, I really like this. Keep writing! :)




User avatar
1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:42 pm
View Likes
Hannah wrote a review...



Girl, first of all, this should be your ending:

Break the mirror.

I am standing on a ruin.


This is like PURE strength and amazingness and just gets weakened by the more obvious tell-y ending that you chose. Poetry doesn't really work well when you just outright say the point you're getting at. Otherwise there would be a lot of poetry that just says "I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm lonely." over and over again, you know?

You got a fantastic line there. You know how to write to evoke emotion; there's no doubt about that.

I do think, however, that you should stop writing to invisible, undefined he's and you's, because it makes it really hard for the reader to invest in a poem when they don't know the characters being spoken to, which means they can't build a record of a narrative in their own mind. I think right now the speaker has two listeners: a brother and a father, but then I'm not sure! Bringing the narrative into a little light -- not making it blunt and obvious, of course -- would really make this poem more accessible and enjoyable. This way I might understand language like

He would agree, remove the bleakness,

find the defaults.

Pick the right shots.

I can’t see, come nearer.


Which reads SO strongly except for the fact that I don't know where it fits in the narrative. I love your italics, especially. Spot on.

I'd say the weakest stanza is T. It could be because it doesn't connect to a narrative for me, and without that it's just vague words and some request that refers to something I don't know. I want to skip the whole thing.

Another fantastically lovely spot, though, is this:

Sometimes,

my hands shake.

There is too much of him in me.

Sometimes,

my faith is shaken.

There is too little of him in me.


So good. Good repetition that's not dragged on too long and really serves to illustrate the inner conflict. Especially the idea that his faith is shaken when there is too little. It's very vulnerable and thus valuable toward building readers' emotional connections.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments about this review, okay? PM or my wall, whatever.
Good luck and keep writing!




User avatar
270 Reviews


Points: 5081
Reviews: 270

Donate
Sat Aug 03, 2013 8:21 pm
fireheartedkaratepup wrote a review...



Hmm.

I love, love the idea of this poem, and I'm surprised it got on the front page with only one review. (Am I seeing things correctly? ;P) Spelling things with sentences is very cool to me.

The execution is a tad clunky, however. I don't know exactly what's going on (the protag's father was in the Navy and turned to booze? It comes across, but it's not entirely clear) and instead of everything flowing naturally, you sometimes sacrifice flow for your hidden message.

I do like the emotion in the poem--you have, at least, brought the protagonist's character to the forefront. His thoughts, his feelings are what drives this poem, so may you should play around with those until you can arrange them in a way that makes sense. The flows well, I mean, because it is possible to have flow and meaning all at once. (I remember one of SparkofDoubt's poems where she told a story and blew me away with the hidden message.

....I would link it, but I can't find it. :c)

I like your punctuation, your line spacing, you emphases.

All in all, good poem. Could use some work, though. Good job! I would walk away from this, personally, and come back in a few years (because you'll have matured as an author by then).

Wish I could tell you a bit more; I feel like there's more to say, but I don't know how to say it.

Edit: Meant to say, I don't see how your title relates to the piece itself.




birk says...


Hello fire, thanks for your input.

To clear something up a bit, I'm speaking to my grandfather about my father. You see, he suffered a lot of abuse by him, which shaped my father and I guess shaped me.

As for the title, I never knew any of this until pretty recently, I kinda wish I never did.

I'm no poetry expert, if you have any pointers on clearing this up, please do. And thanks for your review ;)



User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 2602
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sat Aug 03, 2013 12:24 pm
KLovelace wrote a review...



Hello, K here to review your poem! Hopefully this is helpful!

Let me begin with your strengths. I love, love, love the way the first letter of every stanza spelled out father, and the way you made those letters bold helped a lot. Overall, it wasn't distracting at all and ended up working really, really nicely. Another strength you have is word choice, for the most part. Nine times out of ten, your words are beautiful and strong. Also, your last two lines really helped the poem overall. They weren't distracting, like breaking the pattern normally is, and they added a lot of depth to the speaker. Last, I loved the theme you've presented here, and I could tell this came from the heart.

Moving on the weaknesses now. I know I just said I loved your theme, but it could use a little tightening up. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to convey here, and to me the story is unclear. The poem is just a little too vague, even if the theme is strong and well thought out.

One thing that is driving me absolutely crazy is the fact that the stanzas are all different lengths and have no real structure. There is only a trickle, not a flow. If you rearranged words so each stanza was the same length, it would increase the poem's awesomeness by a lot.

Other than that though, I don't see any real big problems here! This is a good poem, and I really liked it! I hope you keep writing!





No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words