z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Language

The Charm of Deception- Chapter Two, Part Two

by Shady


I didn't smile as I heard her soft-yet-cold voice acknowleding me. I didn't realize that the Atraian court would attend, until I found their youngest princess standing before me. "Miss Elstan."

I looked up, hesitantly, and met her gaze. She was taller than me, which made her that much scarier. Her raven hair was perfectly straight, the cut jagged. It brushed her shoulders, small strands curling with her jawline. The Lady Killer. A famed assassin in the land.

"Princess." I curstied.

Her dark eyes flashed a moment. I felt my stomach twist. She was one of the few women who could scare me. She was only my age, a bit younger, actually-- but had already killed countless men. It was said that she killed her first man when she was merely six. That she'd killed many more since, in the name of her uncle, King Levin Heness.

She nodded once, calmly, and stepped past me to speak to Fania. I saw my little sister pale as the Lady Killer spoke to her. Trembling, she murmured her piece, and the Lady Killer moved down the steps into already sizeable crowd gathering for the banquet.

"Miss Elstan." I started, realizing I'd been staring after the Princess, as someone took my hand. I turned to find the Lady Killer's cousin, Prince Rekard, kissing my hand. "It's a pleasure to see you again."

"As always, My Prince." I curstied, smiling.

He wasn't much better than his cousin. He was a few years older than us, though younger than Char-- yet he was already a prominent figure in Atra's military. He lead their calvary, if I wasn't mistaken. He was more polite than she, but could kill me just as easily.

I was glad that that Father wasn't trying to arrange a marriage between Rekard and I. I wasn't a fan of that family, and I certainly didn't want to live anywhere within a day's ride of the Lady Killer.

"Elstan, right?" I turned my gaze toward a shorter, plumper boy. Where Rekard was well muscled and tanned from long hours in the sun, this boy was pale and pasty, his muscles a pile of mush, his bile yellow tunic pulled tightly across this rotund middle. Lyvi.

"Indeed, My Prince." I curstied.

He nodded to me. "Right."

The heir. God help Atra. Not that the current king was anything special. From what I'd heard, he was merely the figurehead of the country, while his advisors ran it into the ground.

"Miss Elstan." A snippy voice, accompanied by a snippy girl. She was more dressed up than Fania was. Her golden hair was curled into tight ringlets, her chest bare, revealing far more than any respectable woman would show-- her skin was pale, nearly translucent, her lips painted bright red. Elyzabith.

"Princess." I curtsied, and she did too, before stepping in front of Fania.

"Miss Elstan! How delightful to see you again!" I looked up, way up, into the bright face of Atra's War Chief, younger brother of the king. He lifted my hand and squeezed slightly. "How have you been, my dear? Well, I hope."

"Yes sir, quite." I smiled, dipping my head. "And you?"

"Fine, fine, thank you." He smiled at me again, kissing my hand before turning it loose. "Happy to be in your beautiful country once more."

Deryk. The one official from Atra that I could not only tolerate, but actually enjoyed speaking to. I knew I shouldn't. I knew I should avoid Lord Deryk as much as I could. Knew that he was merely being friendly so that he could learn weaknesses in our country. But he's so good at flattery... it almost feels like he truly cares.

The king and his head advisor finally finished speaking with Father, so Deryk moved on to speak to Fania, while the king stood in front of me and nodded, once. "Miss Elstan."

"Your Majesty." I curtsied low, respectfully keeping my gaze from directly looking him in the eye. It was disrespectful to look a king squarely in the eyes.

"Thank you for your hospitality."

"Thank you, your majesty, for taking the time to attend." I supplied, curtsying again.

He stepped past me, leaving me to speak to his Advisor, Biryn. I looked up at his face, and felt a shiver run down my spine. He was a tall man, taller than Eldan or Char, but very slim. His cheeks were sunken in, his eyes shone as with fever, but were as dark as ink. His hair was a purply red, cut raggedly. A d'orceror. Dark wizard. A sorceror possessed with the very demons they tried to control.

"Lord Biryn." I could barely hear my own voice.

"Miss Elstan." He hissed as his face twisted into a nasty grin. He enjoyed my fear. He fed off it. I swallowed hard, hoping he'd move past. He did.

That's right. Just move on. He hesitated just before my sister. "Miss Elstan."

"Lord Biryn." She swallowed hard, trembling.

Now you've fulfilled your diplomatic duty, so you can-- He took my sister's hand and kissed it. She blanched again. He bowed to her, slightly, and followed the rest of his group down into the party. Fania looked horrified. Faint. I would've grinned, if I wasn't feeling a bit queasy myself-- if I didn't feel badly for her. I probably would've bopped him on the nose, if he tried kissing my hand.

I watched as she tried to wipe her hand off on her skirts, desperately trying not to make a big show of it. I glanced at Biryn. He was already one in the crowd, out of sight. I closed my eyes and silently sighed. The man was a creep. I wished he was still in his country-- hundreds of miles from me. Us. I opened my eyes, and found Fania still trembling. Still wiping her hand on her skirts. She looked so young. So terrified.

I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. She looked up at me, her eyes wide. I made a half hearted attempt at a smile and nodded, once, to reassure her. "You're fine."

"...I don't like him." She breathed.

"Me either." I agreed, lifting a shoulder. "But then, I don't like most of the people here."

"Oh, that's mean, Ran--"

"Even me?"

I sighed and turned toward the cocky voice, lifting my eyes to look tiredly at Stanton. He looked the same as he always did. His short black hair was slicked up. His face was clean shaven, blue eyes sharp and fierce. He wore a finely woven suit. His tie maroon and neatly tucked inside his jacket. "Especially you."

"Oh, that hurts." He grimaced, slamming his fist into his chest, over his heart. "Right there."

"Yeah? Well, you're a pain somewhere else on me." I rolled my eyes. "So I guess we're even."

The only nice thing that one could say about Stanton Fillmore was that he always dressed in fashion.

"How can a woman as beautiful as yourself be so mean to me?"

"This is me being nice." I lifted my eyebrows at his smirk. "You can thank my Papa that I'm not mean to you."

"Or maybe I'll just thank my Papa, for being a man of stature and securing me a place in polite society."

Polite society. Bah! All of these Dukes and Princes and Kings treat me far worse than any street urchin I've met so far.

"You do that."

"I think I will."

"Wonderful."

He stared at me a long moment, his eyes narrow and challenging. I met his gaze evenly. You're sorely mistaken if you think that you are capable of making me back down.

"And the more...pleasant...sister too." He finally turned his gaze on Fania, smiling his most charming smile. "I've missed your lovely face, Miss Elstan."

She hesitated, looking like an animal cornered by a pack of hunting dogs, her gaze flicking between Stanton and I. Finally, she gathered herself enough to curtsy. "It's all my pleasure, Master Fillmore."

"I thank you for your family's hospitality at sponsoring this fine evening."

I bit my lip. Enjoy it while you can. Once I receive my inheritance, if there's anything left to receive once Father's through with his idiocy, I can assure you that there will be no more funds put toward this satin covered night of torment.

"Of course." She giggled, blushing slightly.

I rolled my eyes.

"Miss Elstan." I turned quickly, to find the Duke Fillmore standing in front of me, his eyes slowly travelling across me, cold and evaluating. He was an older, taller, slightly plumper, version of Stanton.

His hair was slightly longer and slicked back, rather than up; his blue eyes more trained, more callous. He dressed in similar garb as his son; the main difference being his tie. It was the color of wine, to match his wife's lowcut dress.

"Your grace." I curtsied.

I carefully placed my hand in the one that he extended. His fingers were laden with gems and delicately carved silver rings; a silent boast of his exuberant wealth. He wasn't just a Lord, appointed by a king; no, he was a Lord of Noblity. His Lordship represented not only great wealth, but great political influence as well. It couldn't have been worse inherited, except for, maybe, by his son.

"Mm." He squeezed my fingers, slightly, before turning loose of my hand. But he lingered, staring, a long moment after it would've been polite to move on. Finally leaned forward, slightly. "How old are you again?"

"Thirteen, my lord." I answered, mouth a bit dry. No. No, no, no. Don't you dare.

"And your name is...Daerna?"

"Darrana."

"Darrana." Yes. Darrana Elstan. Not Darrana Fillmore. Don't you dare try and change that.

I nodded slightly. "Yes, my lord."

"Very good." He nodded, once, and moved past me without another word. His wife, the Lady Fillmore, stepped in front of me. She didn't curtsy. Didn't address me. Didn't so much as nod, to acknowledge my presence. Such trivial greetings were beneath her Grace.

Instead, she merely looked at me down the length of her nose. Her black hair was arranged strangely; the left half was slicked back, like her husband's, and pulled tight to her skull so that it looked very short. In the back, where the excess hair fell, she weaved it in with the right half of her hair, which was wavy and draped, seemingly, carelessly over her shoulder. It looked strange.

"Your Grace." I curtsied after a long moment of staring back at her.

Her lips were painted bright red, her skin powdered ghostly white. Her dress was tight, showing off the perfect curves of her body; her large bosom and bottom, paired with what must've been an ungodly tight corset, made her waist look exceptionally thin. I doubted she could breathe. But then, I would've doubted her ability to move her arms, for the large, gem-studded bracelets that weighed them down-- and she seemed to be managing that fine.

"Mm." She answered softly, turning up her nose ever so slightly. She carried herself with the air of one who'd been far too rich for far too long; and was a very large reason why I so adamantly opposed wedding any prince. If marrying into Nobility could turn one into such a worthless git, how much worse could one get if they married someone truly important-- like a prince.

"I like the way you arranged your hair." I lied, when she was required to stay in front of me, because her husband engaged Fania in an interrogation-like conversation. "Is it a new style?"

"Yes." She said, smiling condescendingly. "It's the latest fashion."

"I thought so." People didn't used to look so freakish at banquets. "I knew I hadn't seen it before."

"Well, fashion trends do tend to start in high society and trickle their way down." She re-centered a ring on one of her slender fingers, the worth of which probably would've bought all of our slaves and animals besides. "So I'm not particularly surprised."

"Mm." I sighed with the same shallow, condescending way she had a minute before. You can shove your high society up your pale, rich little ass, bitch.

"But that's okay, dear." She patted my hand, that same, obnoxious smile on her face. "You can be forgiven for that. It's not your fault."

I felt my hand curl into a fist, as something deep within my chest urged me to slap some of that ridiculously thick makeup off her face.

"Very well. A pleasure to speak with you again, Fania." Lord Fillmore's loud voice cut off whatever response would've slipped out, as he turned to his wife. "Come, dearest."

As they turned and strode away from us, I felt a strong desire to stick my tongue out at the Lady Fillmore, and thumb my nose at her, and behave like the uncouth, uncultured street rat she took me for. I didn't. I wouldn't fall to her level.

"Fashion does tend to start in high society." I said quietly, making my voice high-pitched and mocking as I laid a hand over my chest. "But of course you wouldn't know that. You spend far too much time grunting and dragging your knuckles for one to think you capable of behaving properly in polite company. That in itself is praiseworthy. You can be forgiven for not dressing the piece."

I fumed a minute longer, before resuming the natural sound of my voice. "Screw you, bitch."

"In your usual good humor, I see."

I turned to see Wylsim smirking at me. I grinned. "Wyl!"

Father pinched me, hard. I jumped, turning to find him leaning behind Mama, glaring at me. "Darrana."

I glared back, but it was impossible to miss the warning tone in his voice. "Oops."

"Be quiet, too." He turned away from me, instantly regaining a good humor, taking up a conversation with Wyl's father, the King of Lati.

"Prince Blaylock." I curtsied. "Thank you for taking the time to attend, Majesty."

"Pff, hahaha." He instantly sobered as both Father and his father glared at him, but his nose continued to twitch with amusement, as he bowed to me. "Miss Elstan. A pleasure, as always."

I struggled to keep my face neutral as he took my hand and bowed low over it, kissing it, looking up at me. "I've looked forward to this banquet for many nights, my fair maiden, just so that I could once again see your lovely face."

"You're a bad liar, my Prince." I giggled softly, pulling my hand away from him.

"As are you." He grinned.

"Am not."

"Too."

"Hmph." I pouted.

He grinned. "Eh, at least you're good at poking fun at people. That's something."

"Oh, yeah." I cringed. "I didn't mean for anyone to hear that."

"It's quite alright." He chuckled. "I mean, everyone forgives the knuckle-draggers."

I felt the color rising to my cheeks. "Er...yeah. She made me angry."

"I figured as much."

I rubbed the back of my neck, desperately looking for an excuse. None came to me.

~

"Ah, Miss Elstan! How lovely to see you again!"

I bit back a groan as I smiled at the old man that approached me. "Mr. Ramar, indeed it is."

He took my hand and shook it vigorously.

Mr. Ramar was a nice old man, but the dullest that I'd ever met, Father included. Father at least could vary his lectures between genealogy, politics, and religion. Mr. Ramar could only, at least chose to only, lecture about the Queen's Empire. I could nearly lecture someone about it, for all the times he practiced his on me. How I loathed speaking to him.

"You look lovely tonight."

"Thank you." I smiled, dipping my head.

"Not at all...Oh! Oh, is that--" I started, stepping backward as he suddenly stepped forward, and began staring at my necklace. "May I?"

"I...yes?" I lifted my chin, letting him carefully lift the pendant that rested on the flesh just below my collarbone. It was a pretty trinket-- a long piece of wire twined around, knotted within itself, so that it took on an ovalure shape. In the very center of the twisted metal, there was a small silver triangle, on which was carved a fox's tail and a large, elaborate 'K'.

My Aunt Karine gave it to me a few months before. I appreciated the gift, and liked the way it looked-- but never bothered think about it much. Until now. I started thinking of what it was, now that Mr. Ramar ran his finger across it like it was a long lost gem, his eyes wide.

"Wherever did you get this?"

"My...Aunt gave it to me." I said slowly.

"Do you have any idea what it is? Did she?"

"I...don't...know?" I answered even more slowly, afraid that that was the wrong answer.

It was.

"You don't know? Why, this pendant was made by the King mid-way through the War." I could see him preparing a long tirade about the king. What I couldn't see, however, was a way to make him stop. "King Yimyrk made it for his daughter, as a memory of him to keep her resolve strong, if something, God forbid, happened to him."


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Wed Aug 21, 2013 4:17 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hello again ShadowVyper,

You have a thing for long chapters don't you?

One thing that I would be careful for here is too many names for characters. I felt like lots of names were being thrown at me and this only the second chapter! Also, I can't remember names like Darrana's twin brother or the person who lent her the trousers. Don't name all the characters who won't be important in the story. Otherwise it's just too much for the reader.


Interesting ending. Pretty hooking ;)

Also, during the banquet it just seems like she's talking to a lot of people. Are they standing by the door and greeting people as they come in? Or are they dancing and walking around and coming across people? It would be nice to clarify this.

Just a quick comment here :) But I hope it's of some use anyways.

Deanie x




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Tue Aug 13, 2013 12:24 pm
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Aquila90 wrote a review...



Hi Mentor Shadow! Or Shady haha

There's a common trend your stories take on and that is a consistent POV from the character of a young vulnerable girl. The good thing is that you made Elstan's character quite solid! I can almost picture myself in her shoes and relate to some of her emotions. Another plus point is the consistency you had by keeping to her view on others most of the time.

Technically you have it well handled and I have spotted little mistakes or confusions. I just need to bring certain pointers up:

"lady Killer"
-Isn't this normally used for men who are extremely good with women? Lol because it applies tothe modern day context and although you have set it in a different world and can mean differently, it actually broke the flow of your prose. I had to re-read thinking there was a mistake.


"Miss Elstan." I started, realizing I'd been staring after the Princess, as someone took my hand. I turned to find the Lady Killer's cousin, Prince Rekard, kissing my hand. "It's a pleasure to see you again."
-The flow from 'I started' is a little awkward. It kind of felt like you are forcing a flow into the words. I suggest full-stops at some points to allow the reader to pause; like putting 'someone took my hand' into just one sentence. I feel more inclined to read on because of the mental pauses.

"Knew that he was merely being friendly so that he could learn weaknesses in our country. But he's so good at flattery... it almost feels like he truly cares."
-Also cut out unnecessary words that drag the prose: 'merely.'

"Now you've fulfilled your diplomatic duty, so you can-- He took my sister's hand and kissed it. She blanched again."
-I actually did not quite understand this part...

"hundreds of miles from me. Us. I opened my eyes,"
-The 'Us' seemed unnecessary. It appeared to have broken the flow of your sentence.


"Pff, hahaha." He instantly sobered as both Father and his father glared at him, but his nose continued to twitch with amusement, as he bowed to me.
-It also feels awkward here that I see a repeated word. Try to substitute the other so that it does not sound repetitive: "I saw both my Father and his glaring at him.'


Another point I think would make your story stronger is to make it more dynamic.

I don't know why, but halfway through and I can't help recalling the images from the 'Godfather,' during the first scene at the wedding banquet. It felt slow. Like I am not moving or progressing.

So instead of having Darrana Elstan fully describing the looks of the characters, make her see them in a deeper way. Try to describe the characters from the memories of Darrana, her experiences with them, the impressions they made on her and the places she had distinguished them in.

The times I found the most interesting was when I get to feel and read how Darrana reacts to the situation. Her thoughts and monologues. When you leverage on the consistent POV of Darrana and her monologues, you can really impact the reader!

Overall I actually prefer reading 'Enslavement in Lytias.' It is probably the pacing and flow...or just that I am reading this story from chapter 2 and the latter from the beginning.

All the best in your writing! I will be back many more times for reviews!

-Aquila




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Thu Aug 01, 2013 1:04 am
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megsug wrote a review...



Shady~
So hi.
This is for your review on my chapter deal. Le payback I guess you could say except it's a good thing.
I'm going to just jump in. The good things will come at the end. Believe me, they exist.

Her golden hair was curled into tight ringlets, her chest bare, revealing far more than any respectable woman would show--

I'm afraid that bolded bit gives us an image you don't really mean. At first, even though it doesn't make sense, I think you almost mean she doesn't have a bodice on. Perhaps, reference a plunging neckline instead?

It was the color of wine, to match his wife's lowcut dress.

Have we met this wife? Or are we going to? If not, especially since we already have a woman with a lowcut dress to keep track of and try to remember, perhaps this little detail of the cut of the dress isn't necessary? ...Unless, of course, the woman before and his wife are one and the same. If so, you need to make it much clearer.

It couldn't have been worse inherited, except for, maybe, by his son.

This is kinda awkward. Maybe, "It couldn't have been inherited by a worse person"

Finally he leaned forward, slightly


His wife, the Lady Fillmore, stepped in front of me.

Perhaps, if you're in love with the note about the low neckline, put it here instead, so we have a face to put it with?

Her black hair was arranged strangely; the left half was slicked back, like her husband's, and pulled tight to her skull so that it looked very short. In the back, where the excess hair fell, she weaved it in with the right half of her hair, which was wavy and draped, seemingly, carelessly over her shoulder. It looked strange


He instantly sobered as both Father and his father glared at him

Perhaps "as both of our fathers glared at him" would do better and cut down the repetition.

Alright. Nitpicks over.
Um... As to your question, there are many, many characters, and several don't actually impact the chapter. Perhaps, you could mention their names instead of slowing down the chapter by describing them. It's hard to remember them all eventually.
The only other issue I have is the fact that she's standing in this line of people it seems and apparently thinks it's okay to mock her guests while they're only a person away? With her father right beside her? He pinches her when she says a prince's name too loud, but doesn't hear her rampage about the Duchess even though Wyl does? I'm not sure that adds up.

All that being said, what a great description of the Duchess. I think she's awesome.
I also like the relationship between Darrana and her sister here. It's very telling, I think.
It was a great part! I'm always happy to review for you, so just ask if you're in need again.
...That's it.
Egs~





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— David Letterman