Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical

if the sun's too bright

by whatchamacallit

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
117 Reviews

Points: 11681
Reviews: 117

Mon Dec 07, 2020 2:38 pm
View Likes
LUNARGIRL wrote a review...

Wow, this is a beautiful poem! You imagery is was great and I really liked the flow of the poem. One thing I have to say is that I feel like the poem would be better if you added some punctuation specifically commas. Feel free to dicarde that tho, that's just in my personal opinion.

My favorite part was in the third stanza.
"This rainbow I'm chasing is made of mist."
You not only talk about what the rainbow looks like but of what its made of.

Overall I really liked this poem. It had a great flow and it was a very beautiful poem. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,

User avatar

Points: 60
Reviews: 4

Mon Dec 07, 2020 4:02 am
Sai9 says...

Wow this is good pal! Nothing constructive to say here sorry just vibes. Simple and sweet, makes me feel all warm. You really hit the mark on this one friend. I'd say that if you wanted constructive advice you'd have to go to a professional. Anyways good job talented stuff nothing I can say about this at this point I'm just trying to think of things to get review points.

User avatar
266 Reviews

Points: 2285
Reviews: 266

Sun Dec 06, 2020 10:59 pm
silented1 wrote a review...

Okay, so, I assume you wrote the line "That blurs my eyes at evening" because it conveys what you want it to. It doesn't match the poem. Try to mold that idea into a cohesive thought. Same goes for "From light years-away". An example of where you do this well is in the 4th stanza where you say "cinch a gentle hug to an iron clutch". It is also a little out of place because the poem is about the rainbow, BUT it works well because it's an image, a good one, that still holds emotional value like the poem is portraying.

Thanks for the feedback! I'm just wondering if you could elaborate on what you mean by "not matching" the poem?

silented1 says...

It's psychology. From lightyears away is how you wanted it to be, not how the poem should be. It matches in the sense that it continues the thought, not the poem.

User avatar
317 Reviews

Points: 655
Reviews: 317

Sun Dec 06, 2020 10:09 pm
View Likes
Horisun wrote a review...

Hello there! I hope you’re having a good day or night, depending on when you’re reading this!
This poem is absolutely gorgeous. The opening stanza is just beautiful. One of my other favorites is “This Rainbow I’m chasing it made of mist”
I mean, for once I have just no words. I am seriously struggling to find something to critique! (Which sounds wrong XD)
If I had to list one thing that you could improve upon, I do feel that “Curdle Sour” Don’t actually make much sense next to each other.
But I’m just grasping at straws here! This poem was amazing, and certainly earned a like from me! Keep on writing, and have a great day!

Thank you for the encouraging words! <3

The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf.
— Shakti Gawain