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Silent Water

by Hijinks


The lake is frozen by the still night air

A tranquil sheet of glass.

I toss a pebble, the serenity is shattered.

Ripples float across the silent water.

     

The sand is cooled by the light of the moon

And sinks between my toes.

I reach the shoreline, dipping my feet

Into the mysterious mercury.

     

My body shivers as the sensation of silence

Flows from my pearly toenails

To the tip of my scalp. I lean down,

And stir the secretive water with my fingers.

     

The water tingles my skin as I scoop the

Murky liquid into my palms. I lift

It up, and try to understand the sparkling dullness.

But it trickles from my hands, elusive.


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127 Reviews

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Reviews: 127

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Thu May 21, 2020 4:38 am
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mythh wrote a review...



Hey, this is Myth reviewing your work. Time for some critical comments! ^^'

Spoiler! :
This is my first review in like eight days, so it might be a wee bit clumsy.


Alright. One thing I've got to say is that this poem - although it seems pretty clear and positive - appears to be subtly shifting from light to a dark theme and back or rather, it has opposing themes that aren't very easily distinguished. This "darkness" has different forms. Let me give you some examples to explain what I mean by "different forms".

The transition from "tranquil sheet of glass" to "the serenity is shattered", which is the next line. It is pretty clear that the feeling or tone shifts just a little, but it's not something that can be distinguished just by a fast read.

The rest of the poem has opposing elements but they can't really be explained with an example. It's all about the tone, which - I have to say - is greatly felt and is just natural.

Another great thing about the poem is the imagery.

These were my favourite images:

1.
The lake is frozen by the still night air

A tranquil sheet of glass.

I toss a pebble, the serenity is shattered.

Ripples float across the silent water.

2.
The sand is cooled by the light of the moon

And sinks between my toes.

I reach the shoreline, dipping my feet

Into the mysterious mercury.

3.
My body shivers as the sensation of silence

Flows from my pearly toenails

To the tip of my scalp. I lean down,

And stir the secretive water with my fingers.

4.
The water tingles my skin as I scoop the

Murky liquid into my palms. I lift

It up, and try to understand the sparkling dullness.

But it trickles from my hands, elusive.


Yeah, I did just quote the entire poem, because it was full of such scrumptious imagery! (OOF)

I think that's about all I've got to say. Lovely poem!

KEEP WRITING!!!!

Yours sincerely,
Mythy :D




Hijinks says...


Thanks for the review Mythy! :)



mythh says...


Where're the one million points?



Hijinks says...


Why couldn't you just ask for 3 Ethans? So much easier to supply.



mythh says...


Hey, you said you had plenty!



Hijinks says...


Figuratively I have plenty.



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105 Reviews

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 12:34 pm
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fatherfig wrote a review...



This is Gem climbing out of her fairy garden for a review!

I am really awed by this poem. Your description as well as your grammar and flow are amazing. I am never disappointed by your spectacular word choice with unexpected vocabulary and oxymorons like "Sparkling Dullness" and "elusive". The imagery you capture in your poems is amazing. I don't see any flaws and though fullstops can be offputting sometimes they are a style choice. They flow well with this peice. I love this poem, and I think you did wonderfully. I hope this is helpful!

This is Gem skipping on to the next review. Keep writing! Much love. <33333333




Hijinks says...


Thanks Gem <333



fatherfig says...


<3333 You are welcome!



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91 Reviews

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 9:14 am
MoonIris says...



Hey! I really enjoy your poem. The feeling that I got from it was calm. My only question is were did you exactly picture it? In the first stanza I thought it was somewhere in winter but then it felt like it's at the beach. It made me think of the lake from Harry Potter for some reason.I really liked it!




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Mon Apr 27, 2020 3:45 am
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GirlWithATypewriter wrote a review...



Hey there, GirlWithATypeWriter here for a review!

Right off the bat, I loved your use of imagery. I think that's one of the strongest assets of your poem. You have an extremely good scenic description which makes me understand that you have good writing skills. Your poem has a good flow and there isn't any jarring pause anywhere, so good job on that.

My favorite lines throughout are:

"I toss a pebble, the serenity is shattered.

Ripples float across the silent water."

Your poem has a really calming, zen-like effect, which I totally love.
Overall, an appealing piece you've got here. Hope to see more from you.

Keep Writing!

XOXO




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Points: 36
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Mon Apr 27, 2020 2:17 am
Hanuli wrote a review...



Hey there! Here for a review.

I must say that I absolutely loved the imagery that was created by the poem. Some phrases that I really liked:

"A tranquil sheet of glass."
"Into the mysterious mercury."
"the sensation of silence"
"sparkling dullness"

The imagery is kind of hard to describe. All throughout, I was imagining a dark forest and a silvery lake, which appears to be frozen. The water is kind of silvery and sparkling. The atmosphere is mysterious and somewhat like a fairy tale.

I couldn't find any grammar-related things to point out. It's a lovely poem. Thank you for letting me read it.

Cheers,
Lynn





The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken