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Capsizing in the flow of thoughts

by Hijinks


I can't control my wild mind

It wanders like a stream

Capsizing in the flow of thoughts,

A wayward tide of dreams.

---

My logic gains a frenzied mood

And gallops like a foal.

Heavy hooves stir dust in my head,

Smash remnants of my soul.

---

Ideas whirl in biting winds

Caught up in hurricanes.

My mind, obscured by slatey clouds,

Cries gales of absurd rain.


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155 Reviews

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Sun Apr 26, 2020 9:15 am
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Arcticus wrote a review...



Hey whatchamacallit!

Ok, so first of all, my favorite thing about the poem is the perfectly-executed and effortless rhyming scheme. It's also not one of those surface poems that people commonly write. It's goes a bit deeper than its literal surface and actually tugs you in into the world of imagery beneath its words, for instance, expressions like the 'capsizing [mind]', 'slatey clouds' or the foal imagery in the second stanza. Well written I must say. I really can't suggest any improvements to the poem because it's so snug and tight-fitting there's little room for any useful criticism.

What I can suggest though is that you can maybe try to elaborate on what kind of thoughts take over your mind (first stanza), what your logic is suggesting to you (second stanza), hint at what these ideas are that are whirling in biting winds actually are (third stanza). But of course, the poem is complete as it is and there's no pressing need to do this, to be honest.

It was a pleasure to read this poem. Keep writing!

Regards,
Arc.




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Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:57 pm
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Plume wrote a review...



Wow! This is great. Your flow is phenomenal and you encapsulated a feeling I think many of us get. I love the imagery and can accurately picture what exactly you mean in each of these stanzas. One suggestion I have is perhaps changing the line "Heavy hooves stir dust in my head", which carried a little too many syllables and interrupted the overall flow. I'd suggest saying "heavy hooves pound in my head", but you lose some of that nice imagery. It really matters what you want to keep more: the flow or the imagery.
The poem was good and short. I feel you could possibly add more, like how the "waters" calm after a certain point or something, but I also really like the bit you have right now. Good job!




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Thu Apr 16, 2020 1:31 am
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bpmzcpl wrote a review...



This is how I feel sometimes too. Thanks for putting words to those emotions. I really like this poem because not only did it relate to me but it transported me out of my own thoughts. It is the type of thing that helps you realize that you aren't alone in these things. I love poetry about feelings and the inner on goings of humans.

Another part I liked was how it was short and to the point, yet it still captured what you were trying to get across. The idea seemed complete, but at the same time scattered like the "capsizing" thoughts.

You also used great imagery. That was part of what made this poem so transportive.

I hands down have no suggestions on how you could make it better.

I think maybe a second installment would be interesting and something I would definitely read. There are so many other things that could be said. But that is just me.

This poem is so great!!!

Thanks so much for sharing! :)

bpmzcpl :)




Hijinks says...


Thank you for the encouragement bpmzcpl! I'm glad you liked the poem!




Think of all the beauty still left around you, and smile.
— Anne Frank