Young Writers Society

Hey there, whatchamacallit, Morri here to review your poem!

This is a funky poem. I dig what you're trying to do here. It's an interesting comparison to make.

The biggest thing about this poem that I noticed is that there's a lot of unneeded stuff going on in it. I'm just going to start at the beginning, and we'll go from there.

composed of imperfect ch4r4ct3r5,

Am I missing a reference? This line confuses me.

each representing an infinite number of
subtly varying meanings.

I'm honestly not a fan of how this starts out the poem. It feels cold and clinical, dictionary prescriptionist, telling the audience what the alphabet is. Your poem is about feelings, and these are just words that tell the audience how to interpret a metaphor right at the beginning of the poem.

Honestly, I would say keep the first line of the first stanza and smash it on the beginning of the second. Then you'd have

my eyes are like an alphabet:
i try to write a plea in my cornea,
hoping someone will read it, but
flawed symbols scramble the message.

That means that in the very first stanza, we're arriving at the meat of the poem. There's no setup needed. Either the audience will go with it, or they won't. The first stanza kind of turned me off, and I was willing to go with it.

filled with the intensity of a hidden meaning,

I feel like you're spelling it out (ha) for the reader a little too much here. We know that your eyes are trying to communicate. It's what the whole poem is about. I'm not sure what to replace it with, but this line doesn't work here.

that unravel to form a scream

While I understand what you're trying to say here, the words "unravel" and "form" are at odds with each other. I think a more brief "that unravel into a scream" would be less contradictory here.

irises swimming with 's's and 'a's and 'd's
hide a tangle of grey thoughts -
but eventually, the 's's transform
into 'g's and 'l's, letters that trace a
golden ring around my pupils.

This is cute, but also it took me a much longer time to understand than I would prefer. It's unclear at first read. I am also not sure how to make it more clear! Just thought I would let you know that the first read through was confusing in an otherwise straightforward poem.

and maybe that's enough?

Is it? Tell me! Don't be unsure of yourself! That's what the ending of this poem feels like.

In terms of imagery, I think it's effective enough, but I wanted a little more description to make it more chaotic. The narrator seems like they're in turmoil, so give us a little chaos. Instead of letters swirling together, maybe they're in a MOSH PIT! Or maybe they're in a pathetic jumble, like someone overturned a typeset drawer. also, what fonts are these letters? Is Comic Sans crying in the retina? Is Arial Bold sneaking out in tears?

I hope that this review proves useful to you! I enjoy the concept, and I think that this has the potential to be a really fun, witty poem. Let me know if you have any questions! Happy poeting!