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Icy fire that freezes my heart

by Hijinks


A single word from you is all it takes;

the slightest flame of a candle will

melt the ice of my loneliness, sending

cold water dripping from my form.

     

But the moment you snuff the candle

those tiny droplets spike into unforgiving

icicles, that cling to my numb skin -

any attempt to chip them away, on my own,

is as futile as screaming into a blizzard.

         

And if you give that glowing light of

your company, to anyone else,

a gust of envious wind will extinguish

the warmth that you share with me.

       

The small wax candle, so innocent

at first, grows greedy, starved by even

the shortest moment of neglect.

I can stand strong against the harshest

winter storms, but a moment of silence

from you, and my heart freezes. 


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Wed Sep 02, 2020 10:29 am
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mythh wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here with a review for you. Do tell if I say something irrelevant or unnecessary... so, without further ado, let's get started.

I think the theme-defining symbol used here is warmth. It's all about warmth, and this warmth depicts a certain possession or obsession. It's a symbol used a lot for this kind of a motif but it fits perfectly here. Your poem seemed to me like a poem in itself. I wouldn't call it depth, but more like definition. There were parts where the poem felt alive almost. Let's skip my abstract first thoughts and go deeper.

Your use of enjambment made the poem softer and provoked the need to slow down and slowly take things in. It put pressure on the tone and made it sound like the desperation deep within was muffled to let it flow more like it were less desperation and more like an obsession. It seemed like a deliberate attempt to distract the reader from the sudden rise in the intensity of the theme right around the end of the second verse.

And I have to point out just how alive some parts are. For example;

icicles, that cling to my numb skin -

any attempt to chip them away, on my own,

is as futile as screaming into a blizzard.


The effect of the last line there is just so heavy. It gives life to the rest of the imagery. You have to imagine someone desperately screaming into a blizzard to even comprehend a tenth of the feeling behind the rest and I think that's just beautiful.

Now, coming to the very end of the poem.

I can stand strong against the harshest

winter storms, but a moment of silence

from you, and my heart freezes.


I like how you used the same idea you started with to end this dramatic monologue.

You started with how a word melts your ice of loneliness and ended with how a moment of silence reverts you back to that state. Before looking at the poem as a whole, I think the very way in which these thoughts and ideas are organized here have to be acknowledged.

That will be all.

Yours sincerely,
Myth

__|_|__

Image




Hijinks says...


Aaaah thank you for this wonderful review Myth :)



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Fri Jul 17, 2020 5:21 am
BIHXY wrote a review...



This is truly beautiful, the persona is a possessive lover who you have managed to portray so well. This poem is packed with symbolism but I feel like you need to make it stronger and more mysterious. I felt the pain, the need, the anxiety of the persona and that's all I need to see that the poet(ess) knows what he/she is doing. Great stuff




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Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:32 pm
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Stringbean wrote a review...



Hi watchamacallit,

You've got some interesting things going on in this poem, so I just thought I'd give you some feedback on how those are working for me personally.

1.
Your use of enjambment definitely stands out. It does make many of the lines harder to read though and harder to hold onto the meaning through most of the stanzas. However, after I read through the whole poem once or twice more, it gets easier and I can follow it well enough to start getting some meaning out of it. After that point, I actually like most of the enjambment; it gives the reading of the poem a feeling like the speaker is shivering-- like their speech is getting interrupted a little bit from that. It makes the poem much more interesting I think, giving it a more tangible layer than the words do alone.

So that being said, I think the last stanza especially and the first are the smoothest/easiest for the first read. The second and third were definitely really choppy and hard to make much sense out of until I'd red them a couple times. For me, that shivering effect comes out strongest in the first stanza. I also see it between the second and third lines of the second stanza ("unforgiving/ icicles") (by the way, could anyone tell me how to quote lines in those gray boxes? XD). I think that, if you wanted to, you could build this effect up even more by doing very short lines in some places. Like for instance, in the first stanza, you could do something like, "the slightest flame of a candle will/ melt the/ ice of my loneliness, sending..." But that's just a possible suggestion if you intended that effect with the enjambments and if you want to make it even more effective.

2.
This is more just an obvious observation, but I do like that you kept within the imagery web of cold, ice, snow etc. Because the poem is a little hard to follow, it did take me a few extra reads and really paying attention to figure out how the candle plays into the message here exactly, and honestly, I'm still not quite clear on that. I think the candle is either the other person's attention or the feeling the speaker gets from the attention (or maybe there is a distinction between the candle and the flame itself?).

I think if you could make your imagery a little more concrete, this poem could be a whole lot more impactful and alive. Some of the enjambment I think works against you more than for you, but what really makes it difficult on top of that is the abstract imagery. I can see you have this really nice image of cold water dripping down the speaker's body and then freezing into icicles. I had a hard time finally grasping that though. The image is also split between two stanzas, so I think that makes it extra important that it is clear enough for the reader to really hang onto so it can carry through clearly.

3. I really like your last stanza. It's easiest to follow, so I can focus more on the imagery and meaning. The imagery here is clearest too I think. There a "small wax candle" instead of just "a candle." "Starved"-- I can see the flame diminishing. And this isn't exactly imagery, but I really like the word "neglect" in there for some reason. I don't know, I think it does play into the image there, neglecting a candle and it starts to go out. That image seems to really encompass what I think the whole poem is trying to say.

4.
This is the last thing, and I apologize for this whole review being kind of all over the place.
Still focusing on image and meaning, I think it would really help ground your reader if you could better establish early on what the candle signifies. The rest of the images and what they mean seem to hinge off that. I'm not saying you should be too obvious about it or "tell" instead of "show," but reading this several times, I still feel uncertain and maybe even like there are conflicting meanings of the candle. Does it belong to the speaker or the person they are addressing?

That's all for now. This is a great start! I'd love to see you do another draft, and to hear your thoughts on anything I've said.

-Stringbean




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Wed Jul 15, 2020 2:29 am
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Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello whatchamacallit,
Stellarjay here for a review. Your poem was so nice! It had a strong and driven message throughout and yet it was simple. Which was nice for a change. I also liked how big the stanzas were, you expanded a lot on each thought which helped the reader relate and feel for you. There were a few things you could improve on.

1.

candle will

melt the ice of my loneliness, sending


The lines were a bit awkward. The commas weren't at the end of the line which was funky to read. Try to keep the commas at the end of the line, it makes it more consistent and easier to read.

2. Coming off of the first point. Some of the lines could be changed around a little bit.
And if you give that glowing light of

your company, to anyone else,


"to anyone else," could be a separate line entirely. It just makes for easier reading. Most of the lines were like this.

3. The message behind your poem is so driven and powerful. I liked how it was clear, yet effective. Like this line here
I can stand strong against the harshest

winter storms, but a moment of silence

from you, and my heart freezes.


It's just so beautiful! I loved it.

Anyways, I hope this review was helpful and if you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day!

- Stellarjay




Hijinks says...


Thank you for the review Stellarjay! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! The lines that don't end where you'd expect them to is called enjambment, and I actually did that on purpose! But it's helpful to know that you didn't find it super effective in the context of the poem (: Again, thanks for the review!




I don't care what the miserable excuse is for showing the death of books, live, on screen. Men, I could understand; but books! -
— Edwin Morgan, From the Video Box 2