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Our Young Fingerprints (Sonnet)

by Hijinks


Come sink into the fleecy clouds with me -

We'll watch the birds fly through the cobalt blue,

Be awestruck as the sun sets in the sea

And drift at morning in sunrise canoe.

         

There's room for two to float within the mist

That soothes our toasted cheeks with soft caress - 

Look, see refracting rainbows brightly twist

And bring more colours to this airy nest.

             

Let's name the galaxies so far away;

I'll balance on your shoulders and I'll try

To catch a shooting star and while it may

Slip through my fingers, I shall dry my eyes,

        

For one day we will see its distant glint

And know it's marked with our young fingerprints. 


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Thu Sep 24, 2020 3:57 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! Nice work here. You've used great imagery, and the metaphors are inspiring. In more ways than one, I see this poem as art - not only because poetry itself is a form of art, but also because you've painted a picture in our minds. I also appreciate the effort you evidently put in to selecting rhyming words to fit what you're trying to say.

I feel like the first stanza has a little bit of rhythm problems. As I was reading it, it just didn't quite seem to flow smoothly the way some of your other lines do. Perhaps you might think about rewording just a bit to make the amount of syllables match up a little better.

Overall, you've done a good job, and again, I felt inspired as I came to the end. Keep up the good work!




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Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:40 pm
Riverlight wrote a review...



Hey there, @whatchamacallit! Small review from Vilnius.

What I Like
I think that your sonnet flows really well, and I'm actually kinda jealous because it's so good! I've never been great at writing sonnets, so it could be that I'm overdoing the "this is really good," but it's great, really! I enjoyed reading it, and it made me smile. :)

What I Dislike
Iambic pentameter is evil.
I felt that your second stanza was a bit... [*insert word similar to bland but isn't bland*]. I think that you might want to think about sprucing up the wording.

In Summary
I really, really like this poem and I hope that you have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




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Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:42 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there whatchamacallit! Tuck here to grace you with a review -- or, at least, give you some disjointed thoughts on this poem xD

The format of a sonnet really worked for this poem. Everything seemed to flow naturally, and it seemed like a strong choice for the message that you worked to convey. As always, your imagery was on point; I could honestly spend the rest of this review just drooling over your use of imagery in this poem.

For one day we will see its distant glint
And know it's marked with our young fingerprints
A tiny nitpick: it's not quite clear what "it" is referring to, so maybe specifying that in the last line of the previous stanza would make it a little clearer?

And drift at morning in sunrise canoe.
The structure of this last line seemed to be so out-of-order I had trouble making sense of it. It feels like you lost some of the meaning in favor of the demanded structure, and while I don't have any suggestions for how you could fix this, I wanted to bring it to your attention nonetheless.

I'll balance on your shoulder and I'll try
I think it'd be more effective to pluralize shoulders here.

Overall, I think that the last stanza was my favorite, since it shows both the wide angle (the theme of the universe that you pulled in) and the small angle (the way it connects to the two people in this poem). It brings in a lot of imagery, and yet the meaning is still clear and decipherable. It's a beautiful couplet that was the perfect way to end this poem.

If I had to pick the weakest stanza, I would say that the second stanza was your weakest. It could be because I didn't connect with the idea of fluff and clouds, but I feel as if it could have been better tied to some emotions. For example, in the first stanza, you specifically use the verb "awestruck", and in the third you mention drying eyes, and in the second the closest you have is the word "soothed". I also didn't see other themes, beyond things that are directly related to the idea of clouds, brought into this, which made it feel, comparatively speaking, the weakest of your stanzas.

On the whole, this was an excellent poem with some very strong themes and imagery that made this a masterpiece. I hope that all of my suggestions, big and small, were helpful to you in some way, and please feel free to reach out with any questions!

Best,
Tuck




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Thu Sep 17, 2020 12:16 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @whatchamacallit I'm here to do a short review on your poem, so lets get right into it shell we.

Come sink into the fleecy clouds with me -

We'll watch the birds fly through the cobalt blue,

Wow I can already see a great image in my head, its just a great start to the poem, you have put so much into just a few lines.

Look, see refracting rainbows brightly twist

And bring more colours to this airy nest.

first of you are really good with your riming, second colours is spelt wrong its meant to be colors or color's, I'm not great at spelling though, so you can criticize me all you like.

I really loved this poem you have a talent for them, you do with with a lot of compassion and its very in joy able to read, I would just love to here lots more of them. the description was great along with the imagery,

anyways that is all that I can say about this poem, I really liked it and I don't see any floors in it.

I hope that you have a great Day/Night

@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went




Hijinks says...


Thanks for the encouraging words! "Colours" is actually the Canadian/British spelling of "color", we like to add a sneaky "u" (;



Dossereana says...


Oh I understand that, spelling can be confusing sometimes.



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Wed Sep 16, 2020 3:20 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hey there whatchamacallit! Niteowl here to review this lovely sonnet.

Overall, this flows well, which is tricky to get right for sonnets. I know when I try to do rhyme/meter it makes my head hurt lol. I especially like the third verse and the final stanza.

Come sink into the fleecy clouds with me


I'm not crazy about the word "fleecy". but I also don't have a great alternate suggestion so it might be fine as is.

Be awestruck by the sunset in this sea


"In this sea" is also bugging me for reasons unknown. possibly the way "this sea" sounds when you read it out loud. Maybe "be awestruck as the sun sets in the sea" would work?

And drift at morning in sunrise canoe.


This line is pretty awkward.I also think the meter's off, as I want to put the emphasis on SUN-rise instead of sun-RISE. I wonder if this might be a good opportunity to tie into the "young fingerprints" idea at the end. Something like "and drift across the sunrise of our youth" I'm not sure that works with the meter, but it might be nice to tie in the idea of youth more explicitly through the poem.

That soothes our toasted cheeks with soft caress


This line also reads awkwardly to me. A possible fix- "That soothes our burning cheeks with its caress" or "caressing our burning skin to soothe" (though this would require a rework of the fourth line).

I feel like the couplets in the second stanza could be flipped. I think the bit about the rainbows would flow nicely after being awed by the sunset in the first stanza.

And know: it's marked with our young fingerprints.


Nit-pick here, I don't think you need the colon here. It doesn't make sense grammatically and I find it distracts from the power of the line by making me pause in a weird spot.

Overall, I think this has some beautiful imagery. I like how the ending touches on this idea that even if we lose something, it will still live on in our memories. Keep writing! :D




Hijinks says...


Thanks for the review niteowl! The rhyming and meter can be a bit of a pain but if I'm in the right mood it's like a fun puzzle (:

I like your suggestions, especially the idea of trying to fit in the "youth" concept earlier on, I think I'll play around with that! Re: fleecy, do you think something like "cotton" would work better?

Thanks again for the review!




Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink