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stairs don't make sense

by Hijinks


these stairs
are a rough zigzag of wood, a squared puzzle
where I fit my feet and ankles.
       
someone chiselled
away the air, and I'm walking on
all that's left.
air isn't made to be cut into,
not meant to be splintered away
to make space for timber.
it's made to be breathed in
and walked through
and this staircase is stealing from it.
     
these legs
a pair of awkward limbs, designed like stilts
but made from flesh.
     
planted on stolen space,
i'm frozen only half-
way down. the logic in my brain
is splintering now, as well.
feet attached to ankles
clinging to calves
morphing into thighs
clutching hips
stretching up to meet waist
moving higher to belly
everything always going up
why don't i curve back down?
this fixation on growing upwards
seems unbalanced to me.
     
these thoughts
make as little sense as my legs which
are as puzzling as the staircase.
   
steps always climb upwards
like my body.
but my toes that point ahead claim otherwise
because I'm clambering down this sanded lumber
to reach the basement.
so maybe my belly is reaching down to meet my waist
clasping hips
smoothing into thighs
slendering to calves that
extend to join to ankles and
ankles that flow into feet.
   
this confusion is forgotten in a second,
melting down or
floating up.
i'm left stranded on common sense,
a staircase the climbs up and tumbles down
in a body that stretches branches to the sky
and sends roots to the soil.


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13 Reviews

Points: 170
Reviews: 13

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Wed Aug 26, 2020 11:07 am
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MaxaM wrote a review...



Hello man! That was a fun poem!
Personally, I don't have the requirements to make grammatical corrections, and outside of that, I really only have things I liked.
First of all, even though I can see how people would not like this, these kinds of works that elaborate on quick reflections of things from everyday life are just my cup of tea.
I really enjoyed the way how you began describing the way you see stairs, that then leads to a reflection on the way the human body is built, or better, the direction in which it is directed, and the poem seems to be dominated by a feeling of estrangement, but that quickly melts away by the effect of common sense.
All in all, this was a really interesting poem to read that shares quite a share of intriguing thoughts.
I hope to see more from you in the future and I hope I was able to help!




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Points: 39
Reviews: 46

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Tue Aug 25, 2020 6:01 pm
BlackThorne wrote a review...



Grammar

1.

these legs
a pair of awkward limb, designed like stilts
but made from flesh.

"limb" should be plural.

2.
these thoughts
make as little sense as my legs which
are as puzzling as the staircase.

I think "puzzling as the staircase" should be "puzzling as TO the staircase".

Word Choice and Flow

1.
it's made to be breathed in
and walked through
and this staircase is stealing from it.

an "it" isn't the best way to end a line. simply removing it is fine, it wouldn't change the meaning.

2.
this fixation on growing upwards
seems unbalanced to me.

"unbalanced" is one of many words you could use. consider also "one-sided," "unfair", "one-way street", or something similar, whichever you think best conveys your meaning. also "to me" distracts from the main idea of the line, and should be moved in front or removed.

3.
steps always climb upwards
like my body.
but my toes that point ahead claim otherwise
because I'm clambering down this sanded lumber
to reach the basement.

"otherwise", like "it", is also not the best word to end a line on. consider replacing "claim otherwise" with "disagree", "beg to differ", or an equivalent.

4.
so maybe my belly is reaching down to meet my waist
clasping hips
smoothing into thighs
slendering to calves that
extend to join to ankles and
ankles that flow into feet.

Personally, I think it would be cool if the descriptions of how the body flows up and down were more parallel, even identical with the replacement of a few key words, you know what I mean, right? Just a thought.

Other
I really liked this poem! It was very unique and cool. :)





Wist is Ley's mind, confirmed
— WeepingWisteria