I wonder how stars ended up in the sky.
maybe stars are fish that learned to fly -
or maybe fish are stars that learned to swim.
all I know is I'm clinging to the rim,
balanced between the frothy whitecaps
and constellations tracing an obscure map.
I want the sky to peel off my sticker liner
and adhere me to the ceiling next to Ursa Minor.
but the waves beckon and implore,
praising the embrace of the gritty seafloor.
the wind whispers, you're in control of this trolley car;
you can be a blue tang fish or a blue dwarf star.
either would be better than my precarious perch here
but the water is inky and the choice isn't clear.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Whatcha!
I saw the word FISH and was drawn here, as the resident fish nerd
I really like this opening line! But it does feel a bit too strong to have here, since the rest of the poem isn't really about how the stars AREN'T in the sky, you know? Like you mention it here and there, but it's not like a super-strong link between stars and other non-sky imagery, you know? Maybe something that sounds more pondering like the rest of the poem would work well? Like "I wonder how stars found their way to the sky?" Or something like that, you get what I mean? I feel like I'm rambling so I'm gonna stop now, but feel free to ask for clarification if there's a way I can make this clearer lol
I really like the way these complement one another! You paired them really nicely and I like the vibes this gives me when I'm reading it c:
This line took me a few read-throughs before I understood what a "sticker liner" was meant to be. I get it's for your rhyme scheme that you need to have liner be the last word in that line, but maybe play around with how that's phrased so it's easier to understand?
You've wounded my fishy little heart </3
Not sure if this was intentional or not, but "perch" is another type of fish and I thought this was a clever way to slip in an additional fish reference
This rhyme feels a weeeeeee bit forced to me. If I'm being perfectly honest with you, I didn't notice your rhyme scheme until this last line. I really liked the rhythm that I was getting reading this and thought your pace was on point, and then this line threw me off a bit and I was like "Hmm... oh, I bet it was to rhyme with 'here' but why dump a rhyme scheme at the end when there wasn't one throughout the -- oh wait there WAS a rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem."
And honestly, huge props to you! I think since you split up the rhyme across multiple sentences I wasn't conscious of my brain processing the rhyme, but it still helped along with the flow. So, maybe play around with that last line to make it a bit less wordy and keep the tempo up?
Overall, though, I REALLY liked this poem!! You did such a good job with it! I am really impressed that you snuck a rhyme scheme in there I didn't even notice, and your imagery was absolutely incredible! I love contrasting fish with stars since they're both kinda shimmery and enthralling. Your imagery with the waves also made me feel the precariousness of the situation and just really sucked me in and helped make this a really satisfying emotional trip through your poem.
+10/10 amazing poet!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Oops sorry for this late reply! But thank you so much for the wonderful review, I really appreciate it. <3 I love your suggestion for the first line, and admittedly, I just chose the first blue fish that came to mind whoops
but "blue tang" has a really nice ring to it, and I'm gonna trust your fishy expertise!
I changed the last line up a bit, would you say it sounds less forced this way?
Thanks again for the great review Shady!
For sure! <3
I like this last line a lot better!
Wow, I loved this! To be honest, I don't totally understand it, but I love the abstract conflict between the want to be a star or a fish and going to the ocean or the sky. I think it's about making important decisions, picking what you want to do with your life, which I can relate to a lot. There are a lot of different things that interest me, from writing to engineering, and I honestly don't have a particularly strong pull to any of them. I'm really struggling to figure out what I want to do with my life.
Your imagery was amazing throughout the poem, from "frothy whitecaps" to "gritty seafloor." I also like the contrast between "bluegill" or "blue dwarf star."
The way it ended was especially powerful; I can especially relate to the idea of wanting not to make a decision at all. It always feels safer than picking one or the other, but deep down you know you need to go for something, even if you might make a bad choice.
Overall, great job, I really enjoyed this poem ^-^
Wow, great job you put so much thought, imagery, and description into it, it was amazing. When I looked at the title and clicked on it I was like I wonder this will be any good, it was. My guess is that the poem is about choosing your own destiny. About making your own path in ife, even though it's harder, it will be worth it in the end.
My favorite part was the beginning.
"not all stars belong in the sky.
maybe stars are fish that learned to fly -
or maybe fish are stars that learned to swim.
all I know is I'm clinging to the rim,
balanced between the frothy whitecaps
and constellations tracing an obscure map."
I feel like this means not everyone should be the same, some people are meant to be different. That being different can change the world, it can make a difference, besides it would be boring if everyone was the same. Then I feel as if the person in this, their future is still undecided, there in the middle, but they are starting to see the path they will take.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem. You used such great description, I can tell you put a lot of thought into it. Can't wait to read what you write next!
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Outer space imagery! ^^
I love everything about this obviously hehe (whatcha + star imagery = perfection) <3 and your rhymes are so cool! It gives it such a nice rhythm c:
<3 aw thank you Star, you're so kind c:
I wasn't really sure what to make of this poem and it's subject. After a few-read throughs, I really got the gist of it. It's about choosing your own destiny and how it's easier said than done, I think. I love the imagery you manage to convey, like in this stanza:
"..all I know is I'm clinging to the rim,
balanced between the frothy whitecaps
and constellations tracing an obscure map."
I mean, wow. You obviously worked really hard on this, and this passion shows throughout the whole of the piece. I hope to see this piece on the front page of the site. I'd totally campaign for it!
I really, really liked this piece, so much so that I read it like, three times! I hope this review helped you in some way!
Cheers!
-MintyLeaf <3
Thanks for the encouraging words!
Thanks! <3