Young Writers Society

Hey whatchamacallit. Let's jump into this.

pockets of sunlight
pool on the path,

I will open this up by saying that this poem is full of pretty imagery. Like, really, really, pretty imagery. However, there are two main problems with it, and it pops up throughout the work.

Let's take these two lines for example. There doesn't seem to be consistent punctuation in any stanza, and while that's completely okay, it can hamper the flow at times. Combine the first two lines and see how it rolls off the tongue. 'pockets of sunlight pool on the path,' is a difficult sentence to say and comprehend. With how the punctuation is set up, that is how some of these lines are read. There is a beaming energy to this that the reader should be able to soak up, and you can allow that through punctuation. A comma or a period or even chopping up the stanzas can emphasize how strong these images are. As of right now, though, the two opening lines crash into each other in the flow.

Going off on that, my second problem is the immense emphasis on images. Yes, there is a summertime aesthetic to this piece, that was accomplished. A handful of these images feel like you're stretching with your language to create something. 'pockets of sunshine' is cool, but super unclear. Same thing with 'pool on the path'. The reader can garner what this means and I think I do have a basic understanding of what you're describing, but I can easily be completely wrong at the same time.

This work does not have a grounded narrative. It is picture after picture after picture. Be careful with how you paint them, because if the reader can't properly see your picture, then this poem falters in its purpose. Yet...

sparkling the sand.

That's clear. Super clear.

friendly shadows
dappled by saplings,
still and tranquil overhead.

Now this is just straight sentence construction. What are you referring to in the third line? Is it the shadows or the saplings?

I'm reading too much into this, but the language is remarkably dense and intricate. Due to that, the images have a haze of confusion to them. Some of these lines, 'still and tranquil' in specific, don't really need this grandiose description to get the point across. Fancy words can over complicate your purpose.

Plus, you use still twice. There is a fine line to balance between repetition and redundant, and since repetition doesn't appear anywhere else, it comes off redundant.

syrup gold
drifts through the air,
tingles my skin.

Syrupy gold might be better. Might. When I think of syrup, I think brown. That's probably just misinterpretation.

still silence
but filled with nothing
the sleepy birds are lazy.

This is a notable example of following victim to the flow. Read this out loud with no line breaks and see if it sounds right.

I also don't know what the first two lines mean. Like, at all. Isn't silence already nothing? The 'but' implies that it normally isn't.

hazy path stretches,
meeting the shimmering sky.
infinity to walk in daze.

I actually really like this. A peaceful and proper end to the poem. 'Infinity to walk in daze' is such a cool way to phrase the summer feeling. This is where your images feel best articulated. It's like every word means something, and that holds weight.

The rest of the poem, though, has difficulty doing that. Even though you have a dead set mission of establishing images, it isn't really grounded as a piece. Compare it to an action film; it is dedicated to shots that will make the audience go 'wow, cool'. If the cinematography is crap and doesn't capture the audience, there is no other substance for it to rely on.

The last stanza is super strong, but none of the others match up to it. Whether it'd be lack of clarity or messy flow, there isn't enough substance outside of this singular poetic device to be as powerful as it can be. No knock to you. For this to be successful in any case, you would have to completely hone in on imagery, which no one can really do.

This review was probably not helpful, and that's okay! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and sorry if it wasn't constructive. I did like a lot of what I read.

Thanks,
Willard.