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summer tranquility

by Hijinks


pockets of sunlight
pool on the path, 
sparkling the sand.

friendly shadows dappled
by still and tranquil saplings
unstirring, overhead.

syrupy gold
drifts through the air,
tingles my skin.

serene silence
filled with nothing;
the sleepy birds are lazy.

hazy path stretches,
meeting the shimmering sky. 
infinity to walk in daze.


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Points: 160
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Mon Apr 13, 2020 11:04 pm
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rileywrites says...



Hi! I am new to the website so bear with me but I am captivated by this piece.

I love it! The part when you say "Syrupy gold drifts through the air, tingles my skin," Is well put together In my opinion

Keep writing, this piece is beautiful!

-Rileywrites




Hijinks says...


Thank you rileywrites! Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about the website, feel free to ask!



rileywrites says...


Thank you so much!



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Fri Apr 10, 2020 10:13 pm
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Willard wrote a review...



Hey whatchamacallit. Let's jump into this.

pockets of sunlight
pool on the path,


I will open this up by saying that this poem is full of pretty imagery. Like, really, really, pretty imagery. However, there are two main problems with it, and it pops up throughout the work.

Let's take these two lines for example. There doesn't seem to be consistent punctuation in any stanza, and while that's completely okay, it can hamper the flow at times. Combine the first two lines and see how it rolls off the tongue. 'pockets of sunlight pool on the path,' is a difficult sentence to say and comprehend. With how the punctuation is set up, that is how some of these lines are read. There is a beaming energy to this that the reader should be able to soak up, and you can allow that through punctuation. A comma or a period or even chopping up the stanzas can emphasize how strong these images are. As of right now, though, the two opening lines crash into each other in the flow.

Going off on that, my second problem is the immense emphasis on images. Yes, there is a summertime aesthetic to this piece, that was accomplished. A handful of these images feel like you're stretching with your language to create something. 'pockets of sunshine' is cool, but super unclear. Same thing with 'pool on the path'. The reader can garner what this means and I think I do have a basic understanding of what you're describing, but I can easily be completely wrong at the same time.

This work does not have a grounded narrative. It is picture after picture after picture. Be careful with how you paint them, because if the reader can't properly see your picture, then this poem falters in its purpose. Yet...

sparkling the sand.


That's clear. Super clear.

friendly shadows
dappled by saplings,
still and tranquil overhead.


Now this is just straight sentence construction. What are you referring to in the third line? Is it the shadows or the saplings?

I'm reading too much into this, but the language is remarkably dense and intricate. Due to that, the images have a haze of confusion to them. Some of these lines, 'still and tranquil' in specific, don't really need this grandiose description to get the point across. Fancy words can over complicate your purpose.

Plus, you use still twice. There is a fine line to balance between repetition and redundant, and since repetition doesn't appear anywhere else, it comes off redundant.

syrup gold
drifts through the air,
tingles my skin.


Syrupy gold might be better. Might. When I think of syrup, I think brown. That's probably just misinterpretation.

still silence
but filled with nothing
the sleepy birds are lazy.


This is a notable example of following victim to the flow. Read this out loud with no line breaks and see if it sounds right.

I also don't know what the first two lines mean. Like, at all. Isn't silence already nothing? The 'but' implies that it normally isn't.

hazy path stretches,
meeting the shimmering sky.
infinity to walk in daze.


I actually really like this. A peaceful and proper end to the poem. 'Infinity to walk in daze' is such a cool way to phrase the summer feeling. This is where your images feel best articulated. It's like every word means something, and that holds weight.

The rest of the poem, though, has difficulty doing that. Even though you have a dead set mission of establishing images, it isn't really grounded as a piece. Compare it to an action film; it is dedicated to shots that will make the audience go 'wow, cool'. If the cinematography is crap and doesn't capture the audience, there is no other substance for it to rely on.

The last stanza is super strong, but none of the others match up to it. Whether it'd be lack of clarity or messy flow, there isn't enough substance outside of this singular poetic device to be as powerful as it can be. No knock to you. For this to be successful in any case, you would have to completely hone in on imagery, which no one can really do.

This review was probably not helpful, and that's okay! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and sorry if it wasn't constructive. I did like a lot of what I read.

Thanks,
Willard.




Hijinks says...


Thank you so much for the review! It was definitely helpful.



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Thu Apr 09, 2020 5:06 pm
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GigiNicole17 wrote a review...



HEY THERE!!!! It's Gigi, here with your second review!!!!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Your poem! I love the simplicity and the feeling of tranquility of this poem. it gives me a calming feeling and sense of summertime with my friends, and being with them...which is needed right now during this lockdown.

I love that you used such descriptive words like "tingles" and "shimmering". You did an amazing job on your adjectives!!!

I don't know if you did this on purpose or not, but i think the fact that you did the poem i lowercase REALLLYYYYY spoke to the sense of tranquility, and peace and calmness I got from this poem. Your title was incredibly fit for this poem!!!

I loved this poem! GREAT JOB!!!!!!!

Keep writing, and Shining!! With love
~Gigi!! :)




Hijinks says...


Hi Gigi, thank you for the review and positive feedback! I'm glad you loved my poem :] I did do the lowercase on purpose, as a stylistic choice -- I'm glad you thought it was effective.



GigiNicole17 says...


No problem! I love to notice the little things in writing!



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Wed Apr 08, 2020 10:45 pm
JesseWrites wrote a review...



The stanzas are alright, but quite simple. You said that in the description, so I am not complaining. If it is a poem, it should rhyme. That is on the writer though. Some have different ways of doing it. I don't mind any of them.

The descriptive words like "hazy" make me feel weird. It is a nostalgic feeling that you brought with this poem.

~S.M.Locke~





fig you are like indiana jones
— chi