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Emperor's Heir - Chapter 3

by shieldmaiden


Chapter 3

A young girl, of about twelve, strolled aimlessly and happily through the market square. Her basket was full of items for dinner and she was peeking at the other stalls curiously. Taking a moment, she glanced up at the sky and, realizing that it was getting late, turned abruptly away from a stall full of tantalizing sweets. Slowly, she made her way back through the crowd, on her way home.

Just as she passed by a dark alley, she heard a strange cry. It sounded like the whimper of a dog or a cat. The girl stopped to listen, and upon hearing it again, put down her basket to help the poor animal in trouble. To her surprise, she found a bunch of big boys beating one that was about her age! Two were holding the smaller boy by the arms while another, their leader, punched and kicked him.

What are you doing?” The girl cried in shock.

The leader turned with a sneer. “Beat it girlie!” He ordered and raised his hand to slap the cuffed boy, who closed his eyes and flinched.

The girl grabbed the older boy’s wrist, preventing the blow. “Stop it!”

Let go!” The leader yelped, surprised at the little girl’s firm grip.

Not till you leave him alone,” She begged.

The leader shook her off and took a menacing step towards her. She took a step back, then another, till she was against the wall. Yet, the girl did not look frightened and the two of them stood – nose to nose.

You don’t want to mess with me, girlie,” The bully snarled.

Leave the boy alone,” The girl replied, gritting her teeth.

You already have one scar,” He said, brushing a finger over her cheek, “No one would notice another.”

Go ahead,” She challenged.

The bully dropped his hand and turned away. But at the last second, changed his mind and swerved back with his hand flying through the air to strike across the girl’s face. But the blow never landed.

In one fluid motion, the boy’s hand had been blocked, his gut punched and his feet tripped. He fell to the ground gasping and clutching his stomach.

The girl turned to the other two boys, her fists still clenched.

Let him go,” She demanded.

They hesitated. Then grinned as their leader secretly grabbed the girl’s braid and pulled so hard that her head lurched back. But the boys’ pleasure quickly turned to horror at they watched the young maid reach backward, lock their leader’s arm and break it. As the bully screamed out in agony, his fellows dropped the boy and darted past in fear, leaving him to writhe in pain alone.

The girl approached the hurt boy and knelt beside him. Pulling out a handkerchief, she held it out to him. “Are you alright?” She asked softly.

Sniffing, the boy took the white tissue and blew his nose.

What’s your name?” The girl prodded.

Boja,” He replied gruffly.

Can I feel your bones?” The girl asked and began to reach for his arms.

Boja pulled back anxiously, his eyes narrowed. “My what?” He asked.

Your bones,” The girl explained, “I need to make sure that they aren’t broken. Otherwise you won’t be able to get home safely.”

Why do you care?” The boy pouted, “And I don’t need some strange damsel to come rescue me. I can take care of myself … always have.”

The girl sighed, then sat down comfortably and pulled out a small bun from her pocket. Breaking it in half, she held out the other to the boy. He hesitated, then slowly took it from her fingers.

Thanks,” He muttered before tearing the bread to pieces with his teeth. “Where did you learn to fight like that?”

My Grandpa,” The girl replied proudly, “He was an Imperial Guard.”

Truly?”

Yes, truly.”

Do you think,” Boja swallowed the remaining crust, “That your grandfather could teach me?”

I could teach you.”

Nah,” Boja shook his head with a grimace, “I’d rather have a real teacher. No offence but I don’t fancy being taught by a girl.”

Well it’s either me or none at all,” The girl replied, her hands on her hips, “My grandfather can’t teach anybody else because Grandma won’t allow it.”

He doesn’t run a school?”

The girl shook her head.

Boja sighed. “Fine … teach me.”

The girl stroked her chin. “I’m not sure you’re right material.”

Material for what?”

For my gang.”

You have a gang?” Boja raised his brows sceptically.

I’m starting one,” The girl clarified, “But you’ve already proven that having you as a member would be a problem.

How so?”

I’ll be the General of course. And you said you can’t take orders from a girl.”

I never said that,” Boja protested, “When did I say that.”

Just now, when you refused to have me as your teacher.”

Fine – what kind of a gang?”

A special one where we protect others,” The girl’s eyes brightened, “You know, where we find bad guys and beat them up. That sort of thing.”

Like you just did?” Boja looked over at the bully still huddled in the corner.

She nodded.

Alright, I will accept orders from you as my General and teacher,” Boja said, somewhat reluctantly.

Great! Now hold out your arms for me.”

He put out his arms obediently, and the girl ran her fingers expertly up and down, checking for broken bones.

Are you a nurse or something?” He asked as she began to check his head for any fractures.

No,” She replied, “But my Grandma is an herbalist and she is teaching me.”

Oh.”

All clear,” The girl stood up, satisfied. “You can go home now.”

Boja stood up shakily and then looked her over.

Am I your first member?” He asked.

My first patient?”

No, of the gang.” He stopped. “Am I your first patient?”

She nodded quickly. “Yes – to both. You’re my first patient and my first member.” She cocked her head. “Which makes you my second-in-command really.”

Pleased, Boja stood tall. “When did you come up the idea of starting a gang?”

The girl smiled. “Just now.”

The boy shook his head with a grin. “When shall be our first mission, captain.”

General,” She corrected, “We begin with a session of training tomorrow. We meet here.”

Picking up the fallen basket, the girl started to mark on home.

Hey,” Boja called after her, “What’s your name?”

The girl turned back. “Kkachi.”


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Sun Apr 28, 2019 4:02 am
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TropicalRain wrote a review...



Hello Shield. It is I TropicalRain again. Because it's review day I am going to try and review all your chapters. So let's start.

Because everyone else has done a really good job in pointing out the things that need to be fixed, I think I'll talk about the good things I saw in this chapter.
Now the one thing I don't think people who write books do enough is have a chapter that goes into the main characters past. So when I saw that was what this chapter was about I got really excited. It was also nice seeing some of the characters like Kkachi as kids, now I know a little bit more about them. So great job.
And this chapter wasn't boring ether. I had quit a bit of fun reading this, trying to guess what will happen next. :D

Happy review day!!

TropicalRain




shieldmaiden says...


Thanks a lot TropicalRain! It's always nice to receive such great encouraging reviews. It really helps boost my enthusiasm to be a better writer. :)



TropicalRain says...


I'm glad I could help! :D



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Sat Apr 06, 2019 5:13 am
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Pomeroy wrote a review...



Here for chapter 3! It was so much shorter compared to the other ones, so this will be quick, don't worry.

"she held out the other to the boy." I think there's meant to be an "it" after "out."

“When did you come up the idea of starting a gang?” There should be a "with" after "up."

Aside from that, I feel like the whole beginning is a lot of telling us what's happening, and there's not a lot of showing. It feels almost like I'm reading your rough draft of the idea you had for this chapter, but you hadn't yet gone through to flesh it out in a narrative format.
The entire beginning feels very repetitive as you simply brought us through the step by step of what was going on. "She did this. And then this. And then this."

I have to say, I really love the concept of the chapter, and I enjoy seeing the origin of her relationship with Boja and her gang starting. But I would suggest going back through it and adding more descriptions and emotions, and showing more rather than telling.

I hope this was helpful!

- Pom!




shieldmaiden says...


Very helpful thanks - and yes, I rewrote this, scrapping what I had originally. I'm glad that you like the concept and I will brush it up in the future. Thanks again my friend :)



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Sun Mar 31, 2019 10:31 pm
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Gnomish wrote a review...



Yay!

I love flashbacks, especially when they're this clear and simple. Excellent chapter. I must say, I didn't expect Boja to be the boy being beat up. It makes sense in retrospect though, I guess I should have known.

One thing, another grammar nit, is this sentence. “Am I your first patient?” You had emphasized the I, and I might be reading it wrong, but I think it should be the Am that is capitalized.

I appreciate that the bully mentioned her scar. It helps me make a bit of a mental timeline, her scar came before she found Boja.

That's all for this chapter,
-Gnomish




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Sun Mar 31, 2019 6:40 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here for a review!
Overall, this is a very good chapter. I like the dialogue and description. However, it feels like more of a prologue than a chapter, and with this one, and the last one, I feel as if the story isn't moving along as much, and we're just focusing on the characters. Which can be a good thing, I just think that you could spread this back story throughout, and hint at it, or make it a prologue, that way you have much more time to get the story going, and it feels more natural.
Also, "Till" Should be 'till, because it short for until, "Boy's" should be boys, because boy's is boy is, and "I'm not sure you're material" I think you meant I'm not sure you're the right material.

Alright, that's it! I really enjoyed reading this! Keep writing, and happy Review day!




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Wed Mar 06, 2019 6:52 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, it's me FlamingPhoenix again with a review for you on this chapter of yours. Sorry the review took so long, I had some other things I had to review.

Okay so let's begin.

So I saw a lot of great things in this chapter that I will get to in a sec, I just want to start with the two things I thought could be fixed.

Mistakes

Okay so let's start with the first thing in the first paragraph.

Slowly, she made her way back through the crowd, on her way home.

Okay so the words in bold. I don't think need to be there. Because earlier on in the paragraph this sentence came from already said she was on her way home, so there really is know need to mention it again.

Okay the next thing I was I'm not sure if you meant to say it, or if it's spelling mistake.

Picking up the fallen basket, the girl started to mark on home.

Okay so you see the word in bold, I'm not sure if you meant to say mark, so I'm going to ask if you meant to say march?

Okay so that's all the mistakes I could see, and out of the whole chapter I think that's really good. I always make a few silly mistakes.

Over all comments

So over all this was a really fun and interesting chapter to read, and it was really well written. I thought it could do with a little more description, but I think I've spoken enough about that in some of my reviews on your other chapters. So I'm going to talk about all the good bits.
Like how you have gone into the past in a very clever way, I thought that was just a really amazing plan, and now I know how the gang got together.and I think this type of stuff is very important to the story. So i hope to see more things like this later on in the story.

Another thing I loved, is that I get to know a little more about the characters. A little more of their personality. Like I had know idea that Kkachi was such a bad ass in her younger years. So that got me really excited.

So that's all from me for now. And I hope to see the next chapter out on YWS really soon, because I just love reading and reviewing your works. I hope you never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




shieldmaiden says...


Thanks FlamingPhoenix! I'm really glad you reviewed this work - your reviews help so much! I'm glad that you pointed out those mistakes. And thanks for your encouragement. I'm glad Kkachi comes across as badass. I wanted her to.





I'm glad I could help you. And I like books where the girls aren't always a damsel is distress. XD



shieldmaiden says...


Same here.






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Mon Mar 04, 2019 1:15 am
Anma says...



This is very impressing, I love how it flows its interesting




shieldmaiden says...


Thanks - glad you like it. It means a lot that you found it interesting. Thanks for being so encouraging.



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Sat Mar 02, 2019 9:19 pm
Honora wrote a review...



Hey Cecy! I decided to review this one since I haven't actually read it yet....
To start, I'm glad you decided to elaborate on how her "gang" actually started. Before, it was very brief and it's nice to have a clear image of how everything came together.
One thing I would like to point out is that in this chapter, you reverted back to having absolutely no description at all. The dialogue was generally well done but every once in a while, I would have to reread to see who was actually talking just then. The pace was good and in an overall view, it was a good chapter. Look forward to seeing what else you come up with! ;)
Your friend (in real life too),
Honora




shieldmaiden says...


Thanks Honora - I will include more description when I edit it again. Thanks for the great, and as always, very helpful input!



Honora says...


No problem! :)




That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon