Chapter 33
It was a remote cove, only a breadth away from the mainland. A huge bundle of rocks covered in slippery green moss, it looked insignificant and dull. Yet, Agar stared in silent awe and wonder, remaining motionless but for an occasional flick of his tail. I took a better look. It still remained a pile of boulders.
Finally, I coughed. The kelpie started out of his daze and turned to look at me. “Up there,” he whispered, pointing to the cove.
I frowned. “I’m to climb on those rocks … then what?”
“You will find an entrance,” the kelpie instructed, “If you make it inside, do not turn back.”
With those words, Agar spun abruptly and began swimming as fast as he could. Within seconds the kelpie was no longer visible among the deep blue of the sea. Only a trail of white bubbles remained in the kelpie’s wake.
Slightly stunned, I turned back towards the cove and began swimming towards it. My arms stroked through the waves, cutting across the water till one hand struck against hard rock. Grasping along the stone’s crevice, I heaved myself up out of the water and onto land.
A brisk breeze blew, making the cove whistle and howl like a moaning ghost. I shivered as the wind hit against my wet body, turning my tanned skin into hues of blue and purple. My teeth chattering, I climbed onto my feet and began jumping from stone to stone, looking desperately for the entrance that Agar had spoken of. However, I had little success. There were no protruding surfaces, no rock that rose higher than the rest.
As I rubbed my arms vigorously in a shallow attempt to keep myself warm, I began to consider diving back into the water when my ears pricked at the sound of another whistle. This one was louder and deeper than the others. I tiptoed towards the sound, hoping that it would be a cave of some sort.
Just as the sound was hovering beneath my feet, I looked down and my heart leaped into my throat. A giant hole lay just a step away, which I would have surely fallen straight through. With a relieved sigh, I dropped to my knees to examine the opening, edging my hands along it’s sides to search for some sort of way down.
It was deep and dark. I couldn’t see very far and when I shouted down, my voice echoed like a bouncing ball. I got back to my feet, and was about to step away from the hole, when the wind picked up. Without mercy, the gale slapped against my wet hair and tangled up in my drenched clothes. I could take the icy chill no longer.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and jumped.
I didn’t fall very far. But I did land on something hard. My butt was going to ache for weeks. Picking myself up, I slipped and skidded on whatever it was I had been sitting on. The lighting was poor, but as I stooped down and scooped my hand across, I realized that I was standing on something only tales had ever dreamed of.
It was a mountain of treasure. I was standing on a treasure trove and in my hand ancient gold coins rested between my fingers. Unable to help myself, I rubbed the metal pieces together to hear them click. The sound echoed harshly against the hollow walls, and then faintly but distinctly, another answered. Similar to a rush of a wind, it came from afar in front of what I could now dimly make out was the end of a long, dark tunnel.
An orange glow glimmered from an opening that seemed to be cut in the side of the stone. It luminated the dank darkness and I could better make out where I was. Cut in a wormlike pattern, the tunnel curved and swirled with stalactites and stalagmites pointing out like jagged teeth. Coins and jewels were littered all over the floor, sparkling and glittering in a trail leading towards the entry of warm light.
Picking myself across the pile of treasure, slipping and sliding its side, making a great deal of noise as the jewels and gold coins clattered, I managed to bring myself to the floor of the tunnel. It was wet from the droplets of water that leaked into the cave from the waves that lashed at the cove above. Gingerly, I inched towards the opening. The closer and closer I got towards it, I could feel a warmth radiating from inside. Eager to get rid of my chills, I picked up my feet and made as quickly as I could towards the entryway.
As soon as I stood in front of opening, I was blasted in the face with a wave of heat. A warm light, full of the rich hues of orange, yellow and gold, shone so brightly that for a brief moment that I couldn’t make out anything else. Basking in the warmth I remained in the entry and leaned in, squinting my eyes to get a better look inside.
As the colors subdued, I felt as if I was gazing into an open oven. Piles upon piles of coin lay in mounds, glowing like fire embers all over the floor and heaped against cave walls that were dark and black with ash. Torches, freshly lit, were raised in four corners of the room. However, they were not what emitted the strong light. Something pulsed in the middle of the floor, glowing bright like a fiery furnace.
Seeing that the room as empty, I stepped inside. Curious, I approached the strange object that lay in the center of the room. I sat down, eager to warm myself, and crossed my legs. Then I stared into it. It was large, solitary mound, covered in red dots that moved in sequences. Every time the dots moved, the red mound changed color, like a deeper red or an orange, as if a fire burned inside. With the way the dots moved in and out, it looked as if the strange furnace was actually breathing.
Reaching out, I carefully touched the red dots with the tips of my fingers, then jarred them back, burned. The dots were not soft and supple like I thought. They were rough and hard, like the scales of a lizard. With that new thought in mind, I stared at the scales and pondered on how, if the round shape had indeed been an animal, it would seem to be breathing.
The mound shifted.
Startled, I fell on my back. Then I began crawling frantically backwards as the mound started moving and growing. It grew and grew, rising taller till it was over my head and stretching to the cave’s ceiling. I rolled onto my stomach in an effort to get to my feet, when I froze.
The pile of treasure beside my head was moving. Coins fell to the ground, sliding in rivers and streams, forming puddles on the floor. Like a veil being pulled back to reveal a painting, the treasure dripped away like a falling curtain, to reveal a monstrous, gruesome head.
The head was covered in a crown of horns, with three giant ones anointing the middle and each side. Sharp teeth, each the size of one large man, poked out from beneath a massive mouth. Its nostrils flared like raging tunnels of a volcano and each time it breathed, steam puffed out in clouds as out of a boiling kettle. Its lidded eyes were smooth, void of all scales, yet heavy and creased with ancient lines.
One of the lids suddenly opened. I stared into a large, golden reptile eye. Its pupil was slit, and the ball was covered in red and yellow freckles. The eye remained completely motionless as I looked at the startled girl reflected back at me. Then the giant lizard blinked.
Shaking out of my trance, I jumped to my feet and began running for the door. The ground beneath my feet started moving as a huge rumbling noise sounded behind me followed by a rush of clatter as treasure fell in heaps clashing against the stone floor. Refusing to look back, I kept my sight on the exit, pounding my legs ever faster. Then, something red flashed out from a far corner. It flew straight at me, tripping under my legs. I fell hard and rolled several paces before sliding to a stop against the cave’s wall.
My vision was blurred from hitting my head when I fell, but I could still see that the open doorway was now blocked by the ends of a large, red wing. I blinked, and my eyesight cleared. It was indeed a wing, featherless and with sharp talons or hooks at the ends. Raising my head, I fearfully followed the course of the wing.
It was as high as the ceiling, attached to a strong, muscular scaled shoulder. The shoulder joined a snake-like neck that curved, stretched and curled around the room. At the end of the neck rested the huge, horned head that I had stared at only moments before. Its eyes were no longer lazy with sleep, but alive with curiosity. Its mouth was open and saliva dripped in puddles across the floor.
I was facing a dragon.
“Hello, little one.”
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey! FlamingPhoenix is back to review you r chapter! Sorry it's taken so long, I haven't been reviewing as of late, so yeah.
So I had a quick catch up, and now I am ready to begin the review!
I really like this little section here, it starts the chapter off with a wonderful description and sets the mood for the rest of the chapter, just perfect! I like this side of Agar, its not often you get to see someone as him with such power looking at something with respect. Great character development!
Oooo that sounds risky. What is she getting herself into now?
Yet again another wonderful description. I like how you bring across how Agar is eager to leave, I wonder why he doesn't want to stick around? I thought he didn't trust her yet.
I know where your trying to say there. But struck doesn't seem to be fitting this sentence in the best way. Struck to me means she hit her hand. But if so I would expect a reaction, like a yelp of pain, or she shook her hand to get rid of the pain. But you only say he grasps the rock in the next sentence.
So I'm advise to you is maybe change the word to brushed, or skimmed. Something like that.
Ahh!! Don't do that! Something might grab you!
Nooo! You don't know what's down there! Don't you remember what Agar said!? Come on girl think about it for a second and see if you want to do it or not!
Have I told you this lady is crazy!?
Oof, I know what that feels like, its not good having a ache in your butt. XD
Oh! I wonder what it is!? We are in a fantasy world, so it could be anything!
Call me skittish if you must, but that sounds very fishy, treasure in a cave near the see, and now I'm putting Agar's reaction with this. Is there something else here? Something even more scary?
Yet again some wonderful description! I just love these two paragraphs! Although I wish she wouldn't follow the light, I'm very curious to find out what it is!
Is this what i think it is? Gold, treasure, only heard of in tales. Hmm, I have a very big feeling about this. I mean fire lit down in the caves? Tisc, tisc, tisc. Very fishy indeed.
Ahh, my suspicion only grows.
Could this be by any chance a dragon? I mean the clues are all there! *shrugs* I'll have to keep reading to find out.
I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so did not see a dragon coming into this, well besides for this chapter. Oh this is so cool! XD And the entrance. His clearly all chill and what not. I don't pick up any mean vibes from him.
Over all I really, really loved this chapter! Your description is amazing like always. And also you really surprised me with this chapter. This was a really nice chapter, I do hope we will get to see more of the Kelpie though, they were really cool, and I've kind of grown to like them. *laughs* They really are a mystery. And I want to know if they will get to feel love again.
So I do hope you will keep up with this story, it's getting better and better each time you write it!
Have a great day or night!
Your friend and faithful reviewer
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Hey Cecy! Here for a badly delayed review!
I have only one thing that I wanted to point out. All throughout this chapter, I wasn’t feeling Kkicachi (no idea if I spelt that right lol) It felt more like a narration then being there. I know it’s way harder to portray that connection with no dialogue but I think that if you had a little clipper here and there about what she’s thinking or feeling, it would help.
I really love how you did the dragon. You didn’t leave us hanging on forever trying to figure out if it was just a beast that would act on instinct. No, you gave us a very good picture of it. It obviously has intelligence and I’m really curious to see how the next chapter pans out. The description was also pretty good too. Loved it.
This chapter I could tell wasn’t in your comfort zone but you did an amazing job figuring it out. I didn’t feel like the chapter was a drag on. It was very well portrayed and had a pretty good flow.
Keep up the good work!
Your friend,
Honora <3
Thanks Honora! Very good tips. I'll try to give an idea what is going in her head in the future.
Hello again!
So, wow! I really dig the ending here, because I'm intrigued with how she is going to interact with the dragon. I really like how you led up the moment to meeting the dragon with Kkachi walking down a dark tunnel―it definitely created some suspense and interest.
One thing I think this could benefit from would be adding some more descriptions of Kkachi's emotions and reactions. I feel like the large amount of description of her surroundings and actions took away from any reactions we may have gotten from her. It might be cool if the reader could see more of how she felt when she falls and hits her butt, when she finds the treasure, or when she realizes she's facing a dragon. The reader's being told all of Kkachi's actions, but we're not given many of her emotions towards these things.
I like your descriptive language and word use in your writing, particularly your ability to describe surroundings and characters (such as the dragon). Sometimes longer sentences can get a little wordy, and I think while Kkachi is looking for the treasures, you could vary the structure of some of your sentences. Many of them are long and descriptive, but sometimes shorter/concise sentences are more effective and straight to the point.
Some of my favorite descriptions:
You've definitely got a grasp on the surroundings and world, and the vivid imagery really helps me as a reader to picture everything.
I hope this was helpful! Keep on writing, you're doing great! <3
Thanks for the review and great tips. I'm still trying to get the hang of description, so your advice there is much appreciated. It helps a lot
Hello, shieldmaiden.
Stellarjay here for a quick review! Just a disclaimer, I haven't read the other chapters of your story, so I will not be critiquing the story line or the characters. But now, onto the review!
1) The chapter was smoothly written and I couldn't find any inconsistencies. It was a solidly written chapter.
2) There were a few sentences that were pretty long. Not a huge problem there, I would either break them up or add a comma or two.
3) There were a few other sentences where you had a lot of descriptive words in them. I feel like too many descriptors in one sentence makes it long and dragged. This only happened a few times here and there.
I think that's all! It was a really good chapter, I should definitely start from the beginning and read them all through!
keep on writing!
- Stellarjay
Thanks for the review.