I walk alone
Through the streets of life.
I search refuge
Within my loneliness.
.
I try to make friends
Yet I do not succeed.
And I get no reward
For my good deeds.
.
I search no problems
Yet I gain no benefit.
Recognition I seek,
Though ignorance I get.
.
I want to be like the others,
But I am a salmon,
Swimming upriver
Against the current.
.
I want to belong,
Like a fish in a shoal.
Yet I am a whale
Stuck in a fishbowl.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,625 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
Hi. You're a good poet. I'm here to review, though. I'll quote your whole stanzas because I've thought of replacing some words to help your poem flow better and I want you to consider my suggestions, reading each stanza aloud.
I think that "within my lonely mind" would make it flow better.
I think "stuck in a fishbowl" would sound better.
Good job.
-Valo
Thanks a lot for those good suggestions Valo!
You're welcome.
Nice poem, but it could be longer and way better.The way you describe your feelings is kinda incomplete... Otherwise, good job. I like how you compare yourself to something else, which makes what you want to say clear. Keep it up!
Thanks!
Okay, nitpicks first.
In the first and last stanzas, the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme, but that kind of gets lost in the middle. ("Benefit" and "get" don't rhyme, I'm afraid. :/) The change is pretty sudden and jarring- personally, I would keep the rhyming pattern consistent, but it's your decision.
That said, I find the short, punchy lines very effective, and the simplistic language does a good job of communicating the feelings behind this poem.
"Fish in a bank" sounds kind of weird to me. Fish aren't normally in banks, are they? Is it a river bank or a money bank? Why do fish belong in banks?
However, you make up for that with your last two lines, which is by far my favourite part of the poem. It's a lovely, strong ending- good job!
I think this poem has potential to be really good- it just needs a few tweaks first.
Thank you! The "fish in a bank" was just a bad translation from spanish, because that is how we call a group of fishes, but thanks for letting me know, I will change it.