The woman in white led me down another hallway. This one was quieter, but not in a good way. It was the kind of quiet that made my ears ring, like the silence was pressing against my head.
Charlie walked beside me — or floated, or followed, I’m not sure — but I could feel him close. He kept whispering, “Don’t go in. Don’t go in.”
The woman stopped in front of a door. It was pale gray, with a tiny window at the top. Too tiny to see anything real. She pulled out a key that jingled softly, like it was happy to be used.
“Here we are,” she said. “Your room, Caroline.”
My room.
She opened the door, and a bright light spilled out. It made me blink hard. Everything in the room was white — the walls, the floor, the ceiling. Even the bed.
I stepped inside slowly. The air smelled like cleaning spray and something else… something sharp that made my nose sting.
Charlie hovered near the doorway. “This isn’t a room,” he whispered. “It’s a box.”
The woman smiled again — that too-wide smile — and walked in behind me. She closed the door gently, but the click of the lock sounded loud. Too loud.
“This will be your space,” she said. “A safe space. A quiet space.”
I didn’t want quiet. Quiet made the voices in the walls louder. Quiet made the lights buzz more. Quiet made Charlie scared.
The woman walked to the bed and smoothed the blanket with her hand. “You’ll sleep here. You’ll eat here. You’ll learn to calm down here.”
I looked around. There was a small table, a chair, and a tiny window high up on the wall. I couldn’t reach it even if I jumped. The window showed nothing but sky — pale blue, empty sky.
Charlie tugged at my sleeve. “We need to leave,” he whispered. “She’s trying to keep you.”
But the woman stepped closer again, her shoes clicking softly. She touched my shoulder, and her hand felt even colder than before.
“You’ll get used to it,” she said. “All our patients do.”
End of chapter
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138,733 Literary Works • 672,262 Reviews
Hai! catsz here again. This is just too interesting. Ahh, I read one of the reviews! Turns out Charlie is her imaginary friend! How sweet. I guess things make so much more sense now. Those are just voices in her head, nothing bad. The woman is just a nurse/doctor who tries to recover patients. The quiet space/Caroline's room is one of the rooms for checkup at the hospital. But still, i wonder so much. How old is Caroline? What brought her here? Where are her parents?
I would love a backstory, it will make things clear and more interesting! Caroline seems like such a sweet girl.
It makes sense she doesn't want quiet. She wants comfort, from her parents, and from friends, not a random woman she doesn't know.
I like the details of the room. I can practically smell the hospital by now. The bright lights, the pale long halls, the masks, the white uniforms and caps, the prescriptions and drugs, needles.
Who wouldn't be scared of such a place.
I doubt Caroline will get used to it without anyone there but the lady.
We'll see in the next chapter!
Looking forward to it!
Happy Writing, and Happy Reviewing!
~catsz
Hi again! Diving straight back into it:
This chapter felt a lot calmer compared to 1 and 2. There are still those moments of fear, Caroline is still itching to escape, but there's a little less urgency to it. I think it's because the reader is starting to realize that the woman, whatever her motivations are, isn't literally monstrous, and that this place, though perhaps flawed, isn't a direct threat to Caroline's physical health. This isn't a bad thing at all; 1 and 2 got us hooked on this story, and chapter 3 is working to establish the status quo. It's a nice breather.
As always, I really enjoyed the imagery in your writing. I especially liked this personification,
it's a nice contrast to the more horror-esque metaphors that preceded it. It almost feels like a glimpse of the reality that exists outside of Caroline's head.
I'm wondering what time period, and what facility this story takes place in? In chapter's 1 and 2, I fully believed there was some sinister stuff going on with the nurse and the building, but I'm now leaning more towards the idea that that view stemmed from our unreliable narrator; that said, if this place is genuinely meant to have a positive influence on Caroline, some lines of dialogue from the nurse (from this chapter and the previous) felt not quite right to me. For example,
"Sleep here and eat here," to me, implied that Caroline would be spending almost all her time in this room. Would she really be so isolated as that in an in-patient facility like this? And "You'll learn to calm down here," didn't feel like something a trained mental-health professional would say to someone struggling with severe anxiety. (Take this with a grain of salt, because it's my inexpert opinion talking, and we'll have to wait and see what direction this goes in, whether or not this place is actually benevolent.)
You already make fantastic use of descriptive language, and like I said in the previous chapter, your short and snappy paragraphs are great for driving up tension. However, I'd love to see you expand on some moments. For example, this is a great emotional beat,
but by adding more detail, (does she have to stoop down to meet Caroline's eyes? Is she still smiling, or as she dropped the facade? Does a shiver go down Caroline's spine? What's going through her mind right now?) you put more weight on the moment, you draw it out, so that the beat lasts longer. Also, varying paragraph lengths can generate more visual interest for the reader and allows you to place more emphasis on the shorter, more urgent lines of text.
Altogether, this was a great introduction to an intriguing story! Like in your poetry, you make great use of powerful imagery and creative formatting. This story does a fantastic job of ramping up tension and reeling the reader in. I'm always fond of an unreliable narrator, and I look forward to seeing where you take this story next!
Keep on writing, and have a great rest of your day!
Thank you for your review!
Hello hello!!! Taost here!
I didn't realize there were other pieces related to this until I read the "Related Items" box, so I'll definitely have to go and read the other pieces you have! You hooked me in with this.
As someone who doesn't know the backstory of your characters, I won't dive too much into details on them, so let's focus on this as a whole.
It seems like we're in some form of medical setting. An asylum, ward, or hospital. Clearly, we have a little friend named Charlie whom the nurse/doctor/scientist/whoever-she-is can't see. He whispers to the MC, Caroline, to leave, that this is a trap, a box, something she's not suppose to stay too long in.
However, Caroline ignores him, allowing the woman to lock the door and trap her regardless. She seems rather mindless. We don't get a sense of any emotions, rather, there is a lack of it.
This, in a way, makes your MC feel unreachable, and can make your reader feel like they can't connect with the MC emotionally. Unless this was intentional, and there was something that happened before that made her like this, I would suggest trying to describe things more.
You did a very good job at describing the scene, setting it up. It was very immersive, and the details were nice. I could instantly put myself in the MC's shoes and see what she's seeing. However, it was hard to know what she was thinking.
For example, describe her thoughts. What is she thinking about? Is she planning an escape? This can often help lead into describing feelings. Is she scared? Mad? Nonchalant? Or is she snarky? Does she know if they can hold her or not?
These help pull the reader in and draw their attention. The connection and bond to the MC will help lock them in and continue reading.
It happens often where writers focus more on one thing than the other, like focusing more on scenery than thoughts, or more on emotions than scenes, and that's okay. Just remember that if there is a balance in there, it will help engage the reader.
The 4th paragraph up from the bottom, I think you have a minor typo there.
Other than that, this is a good part of a story, and I definitely will read the other parts correlating to it! Happy writing, and have a good rest of your day/night! <3
Yours truly,
~ Taost
Caroline has a mental disorder that makes it seem like all of her emotions are non-existent. Charlie helps her feel emotions that she can't feel. Charlie is also kind of like her imaginary friend/helper that helps her through her everyday life.
Oooh! Good to know!