''Zissy... Zissy wake up''!
''I fear she cannot hear you, your majesty.''
''Oh, zip your lip Emila, she can hear me.''
Those are the voices I heard, as me and Heartz tumbled through the mirror. I must have blacked out again.
When I did regain my consciousness, I woke up to see Heartz, and some other girl leaning over me.
''OH, THANK THE STARS, SHE'S AWAKE!'' Heartz yelled.
The other girl just shook her head.
''Your Majesty, there is no reason to yell.''
Heartz ignored the girl and started to scold me.
''This is the second time you've blacked out. You have to be more careful. If you lose your consciousness again, you may not wake up again. Especially in my world.''
I rubbed my head and then sat up and met her eyes.
''I promise I will be more careful Heartz.''
She nodded with satisfaction.
''Alright then. Now are you hungry? I'll have the servants fetch you some tea and cookies.''
I was indeed very hungry. That's when I thought of mom. I hadn't even come down to dinner to even see how she was doing or eat dinner. I felt bad.
As Heartz sashayed away, I was left with the other girl. She had short black hair with piercing green eyes. She wasn't taller than me, and she was very pretty.
We stared at each other for a long time until she finally spoke up.
''Are you feeling a bit better?'' she asked.
I nodded. ''Yeah, pretty much so.''
She paused.
''Gave us quite a scare.'' She said scare almost with sarcasm.
''Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.''
I thought this girl was very weird. She kept staring at me (I was trying my best to avoid eye contact) and she had this almost smug smile on her face. She gave me the feeling of one of those girls you see as the villain of some fantasy movie.
I was really grateful as a servant came in holding a tray with tea and cookies. They smelled awfully delicious, but my tastebuds would be the judge of that.
The servant sat the tray on my lap and bowed before leaving.
I looked at the cookies. They were a light brown with frosting decorations on the front and back. They had a sweet-smelling vanilla scent on them.
As I took a bite, I could feel Emila staring into my soul. I ignored her and enjoyed my sweets. I also took a sip of tea (with my pinkie finger out of course).
After I finished eating the delectable sweets, I started to get bored sitting on the bed. I twiddled my fingers and stared at the door.
After what seemed like eternity, Heartz burst into the room. The door flung open, and she looked... like a mad woman.
''HE'S GONE!'' she yelled
''Who's gone?'' I asked.
She panted and struggled to form words.
''M-my precious, precious darling boy! I was feeding him in his nursery, and when I-I went to go get one of the servants to fetch him more milk, he was gone!''
I gasped. This couldn't be happening. I just got here, and everything was going wrong then it already was.
Emila seemed the only one calm about the matter. She actually seemed relaxed, and was that a smirk I saw her trying to hide?
''Your Majesty do not overreact. We have handled things like this before, so there is no reason for...this.'' Emila said.
Heartz turned her head to her handmaiden and gritted her teeth.
''WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I'M JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND JUST PRETEND EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT EMILA, WHEN A) MY SON IS MISSING, AND IS PROBABLY ALL ALONE AND STARVING AND COLD, AND PROBABLY GONNA TAKE OVER THE WHOLE EARTH, B) I HAVE A WHOLE FREAKING KINGDOM TO RULE, AND C) THE FATE OF THE WORLD RESTS ON THIS GIRL'S SHOULDERS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL SHE IS GOING TO DO IT! SO, BEFORE YOU START TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY, DON'T YOU FORGET WHOSE THE QUEEN!''
Me and Emila just sat there stunned. Well, mostly I was. I had made Princess Heartz calm and collective, but the way she acted right now was... I don't even know how to say it. Bold?
After Emila apparently got over the shock of her queen speaking her heart, she bowed.
''My queen, my deepest apologies. I shall never question your authority again.''
Heartz's face softened. She approached Emila and hugged her.
That made me tear up a bit. I sniffled.
Heartz then turned to me. ''So, what do you suggest we do?''
I didn't actually know. How was I supposed to stop a 3-year-old runaway antichrist boy? Questions were peeling through my mind, to which I had no answers to.
''I-I actually do not know. I mean, how do we even know where he is at? He could have ran off to anywhere.''
Heartz started pacing again. I could tell she was asking the same things.
''There is a person, who can help us.''
Heartz spun around furiously. ''DO not even suggest that woman.''
I was all like huh?
Emila ignored the princess. ''All I'm saying is that she could be a vital tool in the help of getting your son back.''
Those two looked like they were going to destroy each other. So, I stepped in, right before anyone could kill each other.
''Maybe... if we could see this woman, that Emila has spoken about Heartz, you could get your son back, and we could get some leads into how we can possibly stop your son from destroying the world.''
I could tell Heartz was thinking about it.
''Fine. But I won't like this one bit.''
End of chapter
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Alrighty, let’s look at the next chapter of your story ^^
My first thought was actually: if she hears the voices while tumbling through the mirror… how does she know it’s at this exact point? She’s passed out, right, and slowly coming to, and Heartz is already on the other side… The logistics of this don’t make sense.
Hm also I feel like you could work a little more on adding descriptions to your scenes.
We have: no description of the other girl and this descriptor is super barebones and not engaging; no description of our MC waking up and gaining their bearings; no description of the room and how it looks to her now that she’s just waking up from blacking out; no description of physical reactions to the experience; no descriptions of how your charas are saying these things, what emotions they are conveying, how their voices sound like. All these things are what make a story engaging. You only do the bare dialogue and that is just a small part of story writing.
Uhm,.. I know Heartz is probably v distressed abt this but how is scolding the MC like this going to help? Not like she chose to black out…
I would have loved to get some info on how much of this world the MC created. Prime opportunity to use that on this other girl. You could have mentioned if the MC recognized her as a minor character or if not then your MC could be worrying abt how much control she really had with her writing in the first place?
Uhm how does she know that girl is called Emila? Is it really from that one line of dialogue she heard while regaining consciousness?
I still have no idea what their grand plan for the MC is. What can she do? What is her quest? Why is no one talking abt the actual plot???
“WHOSE THE QUEEN!“ -> „WHO’S“
„I don't even know how to say it. Bold?“ More like… capslocked? =D
Tho formatting it in bold might have been a …bold choice too XD
Uhm why? “That made me tear up a bit.” We never get any descriptions of her emotional state or inner monologue so I don’t understand this. What part of this interaction? That they are so good friends? That Heartz is so forgiving?
''There is a person, who can help us.'' You forgot to give a quick clue on who says that. When Heatz spins around you could say f.e. that she’s fixing Emilia with an angry look or smthing?
Uhm so far the solution and stuff is something that the MC is not … necessary for? Heartz could have gone to see that person Evil McEvil Emila is suggesting all on her own. Maybe this is why Zissy is here? To suss out the evilness? She’s already catching on to Em’s v obviously evil smirk!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the wicked S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Zissy wakes up in Heartz’s palace, Heartz has servants ready to give cookies to Zissy, Emilia is acting all sus with her, and Prince Julian is gone. This a right old mess, but maybe somebody can help! Hopefully…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I feel like the little things you use to describe Emilia give it away that she’s a bad guy. I think there could be more subtlety, but that was just my thought!
Chocolate Bar - Where to start? First off, I love the description of the cookies. They sound VERY delicious! Second, I like Heartz’s crashout on Emilia, as it is completely valid as to what is going on. I also like that the three of them are all working together to try and stop this, even if there are disagreements and some hostility in the air…it shows that they have their priorities set!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, I found this to be a very lovely chapter introducing a new character. :> I can’t wait to see who this other woman is and why Heartz doesn’t like her. Heartz must have a good reason not to like her, considering her personality…I eagerly await the next chapter and…
I wish you a marvelous day/night! ^v^
Thank you for your review Creeper! The reason why I make it known a bit that Emilia is the bad guy is because there's a twist at the end of my story!
Cool :>