Charlie whispered in my ear, “Don’t go with her. Don’t let her take you.” I nodded.
She leaned down so her face was closer to mine. Her smile didn’t move, but her eyes did — they slid over my face, slow and careful, like she was studying me. Like she was trying to figure out what I was made of.
“You’ll like it here,” she said. “We take very good care of special girls like you.”
What was so special about me?
I stepped back, but she followed, her shoes clicking on the shiny floor. The sound echoed too loudly, bouncing around in my head until it hurt.
“You must listen. This place is safe. You will stay here. You will learn here. You will be… better,” she said again, and this time her voice dipped lower, quieter.
Better.
Charlie hissed at her. ''You're already better, you don't need her, you need to get out and go home!''
But I couldn't do anything. The doors were locked, and the woman was preventing me from escape. What could I do?
She placed her hand on my shoulder. Her grip was light, but it felt heavy somehow, like it was pushing me down even though she wasn’t moving.
“Let’s get you settled,” she said. “Your room is ready.”
Room. Not home. Not a place I could leave.
A room.
My chest tightened. The lights above buzzed louder, too bright, too white. The hallway stretched out in front of me like a long, hungry mouth.
Charlie tugged at my sleeve again. “Don’t go,” he whispered. “She’s lying.”
But the woman’s hand stayed on my shoulder, guiding me forward, slow and steady, like she was leading a child who didn’t know how to walk.
I would find a way to get out.
I would.
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I got too interested. It's catsz here again to leave a review! Let's dive into it now!
Woah, how close the lady got made me so uneasy. "we take good care of special girls like you"
uh oh... foreshadowing for me. I'm terrified, please stay safe Caroline ToT
It sounds like she's going to attempt to change Caroline, into something else...something she wouldn't recognize..
How the woman is so creepy. I wonder why Charlie is trying to stop the woman? I mean she is like totally eerie but, why isn't she taking Charlie as well? Why is he safe? What happened to him before? I would love a backstory on Charlie.
The repeat of I would sets the mood really well. Yes, you will Caroline, I believe in you.
I hope the woman isn't attempting surgery. Caroline seems so scared, especially in a hospital which very gross things happen...
I love the short chapters, I hunger for more this way!
Looking forward to the next one!
Happy Reviewing and Happy Writing!
~catsz
Howdy, lovelydove! Back for another review!
These two chapters have left me deeply unnerved in the best possible way. You do a stellar job of transporting us directly into the main characters shoes; we see the world as she sees it, the institution (hospital maybe?) as a prison, and the nurse as something monstruous. One line that stood out to me as 10/10 imagery was
it really sells this idea that the building is devouring her. It makes the reader feel genuinely uncomfortable, and the tension throughout was palpable; the conflict between Charlie (who seems to be some sort of manifestation of the narrator's fears, given they go unacknowledged?) and the nurse was a great driving force of suspense.
Another thing that really helped drive the suspense were the short and snappy sentences and frequent line breaks. For example,
I found this to be a really effective use of formatting. That said, I might consider forgoing the bold text. You already place heavy emphasis on these lines by giving them their own paragraphs, and, when you flip through published works, italics are used far more commonly.
One minor nitpick with this line here,
I read at her as in "at the nurse." By rephrasing it slightly, you'll make it more clear who Charlie is addressing.
Altogether, these first two chapters were extremely compelling! You do a really great job keeping the reader out of the know, leaving them with plenty of questions to draw them into the next chapter. What makes the narrator so special? Who is Charlie? Is the nurse really someone to be feared, or is it the narrator's mind playing tricks on them? I'll be jumping straight into chapter 3 to maybe find out!
Hello @lovelydove Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
I am back for part 2! Well this was certainly ominous. It's a nice filler scene, really ratcheting up the suspense. I am now even more convinced that this is a child's perspective of a hospital or an institution so I am very intrigued to see where all this goes.
You've characterised the lady (nurse?) really well, especially her speech patterns, I enjoyed reading that. Charlie also seems vehemently opposed to the entire situation. But I like that our protagonist seems more in the middle ground. Leaves room for perhaps conflict in the future, between Charlie and our MC. Lot's of room to work with.
Interesting point introducing out MC as a 'special girl' plot development, and very intriguing. Especially since even she doesn't know what makes her 'special'.
Another thing that stood out to me, that I appreciated, was how our MC's discomfort seems to stem from how cold and impersonal the place is. It's not home. Makes me question, what exactly happened to them? Where is their family? Why is the lady not addressing Charlie? Who is Charlie anyway? All interesting points to branch out on.
Under the magnifying glass
Over here I think you should specify that it was the Lady speaking because up until 'You'll like it here' I thought it was Charlie who was talking. Just a simple 'the Lady said' will suffice.
Closing the case
Overall this was a really nice second instalment, I am very interested to see where all this goes!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
—Miss Marple, “A Murder Most Deadly,” by Agatha Christie
Caroline is a 21 year old woman suffering from a mental disorder and severe anxiety(she is the narrator). Charlie is the voices all together inside her head, and her emotional outlet. Charlie is her emotions.
I see. Thanks for the clarification.