It was my first day in that place.
Charlie said the place was scary, and that the hallways seemed to groan whenever we passed them. He wasn't wrong. As I walked through them, I could hear the heartbeat of people... and their screaming. It hurt my head.
The doors from the entrance slammed shut. The sound rang through my ears like a million church bells going off at once.
This place was too bright. It had too many lights.
There was a woman, dressed in all white. She had on a white cap with a red cross on it. She wore a long white dress, with a long white coat. It was very clean and looked very pretty. Charlie said she looked like a walking snowball.
Her lips were a bright red. Too bright; she looked like a clown.
Her eyes scared me.
I could feel she was staring. Right into me.
Then...the woman smiled.
It stretched too wide, like her mouth was being pulled by invisible hands. Her teeth showed, all of them, too straight and too white. They didn’t look friendly. They looked like she was pretending to be friendly.
Charlie told me not to trust people like that. Charlie knows a lot of things. He said when people smile like that it's because they’re hiding something. Because they’re waiting.
Charlie told me to try opening the doors. I did, but they wouldn't budge.
The woman stepped closer to me and reached out to touch my hand. I tried to yell for Charlie to help, and he did the best he could do...
''Caroline dear, don't you be worried. This is your new home. Come now.'' 'Her voice was soft, but it didn’t make me feel safe. It made my stomach twist.
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello! It's catsz here to leave a review! The title immediately drew me in, let's dive into it!
"that place." it doesn't state where it is, which is mysterious and makes the reader want more. The ancient echoes of people screaming is sooo eerie. I can't wait to read more.
The doors slamming shut is not a good sign for the girl. And who is Charlie? I love books who gradually reveal the past.
The unusually bright lights just feel so off, I can't imagine what the girl must be feeling.
When I first read it, I checked the genre and it said realism? The lights and screaming hint at a hospital where people get surgery and stuff. It must've been so terrifying.
Yup. The red cross and the fully white outfit just confirmed my assumption. Children at a hospital who have to experience all that is just tragic.
The smile seeming unnatural just makes the reader feel frightened, sets the mood so well.
A soft voice, yet ghostly enough to scare her is horrifying. It ended really well, makes the reader thirst for more. This was such a wonderful piece to read!
I look forward to reading more.
Some tiny tweaks, maybe lessen the bold words a little? Try different types, not just bold to make it have even more emotion.
I can't wait to read the next chapter, maybe see you there!
Happy Writing and Happy Reviewing!
~catsz
Hello @lovelydove Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
ooooooo this was such an interesting read!! You've built the suspense brilliantly. I could really feel the thrill towards the ending. I felt my heart speeding. Right from the starting you have hooked the reader in and the quick pacing really keeps things moving.
Now I had initially thought this was a horror story but when I scrolled up read your description and it said health, realistic; now, I find that very interesting. I have a very strong feeling this may be a child's perspective of a hospital and that is a truly malleable storyline.
I am very interested to see where all this goes, because this could focus on either the chid's perspective, their innocence, their fears or it could be used as a tool to expose flaws in the medical system (both a horror story in their own ways). Either way, I am excited!
Under the magnifying glass
Now here you may think I'm being nit-picky, and this is sort of a tradition/personal preference but I think it would really help if you switched all the bold text with italics. Not only is it an aesthetically better choice but I feel that bold text really doesn't fit in novels literature. Nothing gives emphasis like italics does.
Bold is more like a highlight. Also italics automatically gives connotations of whispering, or thoughts, just a different vibe from normal text which part of why it packs such a punch. So I would suggest using italics instead of bold text.
Closing the case
Overall this was a very interesting read! I'm really looking forward to seeeing what happens here.
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.Until next time!!
—C. Auguste Dupin, “The Leg Bandit,” by Edgar Allan Poe
I really like this. At the beginning I didn't really get what was happening but when I got to the part where you said, " This is your new home." I think I got it. I think that maybe a girl was adopted (or something like that) and she thinks her new mom is evil. I also think she is evil. I think Charlie might be someone important the character left behind. (I think a brother) honestly this is really really good, I just wish you made the chapter longer, that is all I have to say. Keep up the good work
This is actually a girl named Caroline who is in amental facility because of her mental disorder and severe anxiety. Caroline is mute, she cant talk, so Charlie serves as all of her emotions and voice. Charlie is not real, just a part of her so to say. And the reason why I made this chapter and some of the others short is so that I dont have to write long chapter, and so i can pace myself with my writing.