I:
The chattering hallway
ears charred by heated conversations
it's crowded
but I'm empty and barren,
as is where I walk.
There's me
and the blanched tile,
it's corroded by feet that scuff its very existence
from the ground.
There's you easing
your way through the narrowing walls
toward me--
I hold my breath, hopefully...
but you're gone
and daydreams lead my secret insanity for you.
The bell sounds--
I'm late to class again.
II:
Your hand caresses my shaking jaw
in a theater, we're almost alone.
If not for our friends down a couple of rows
and the parents we've clearly outgrown.
It's been two long months of non-stop jab
about all the things we might do
I said that I loved you and your reply:
"Baby, I think I do, too."
It seems quite risky, to say that just now
Two months can turn to a lot.
It's just Junior high and I'm just a girl
It's just a middle school thought.
You pull in closer and look into my eyes
it seems too close to back out
Your arm invites me innocently--
the tiniest plea, my largest doubt.
Your eyes are dazzlingly green in this light--
the seats a complementary shade of blue--
just one more glance and I close my eyes
and all I think about is you.
The purity of a first kiss took me by shock
a smile creeps over my face
I feel one grow on your mouth, too
and I realize: love has no pace.
III:
Over a text?
Really?
You just did that.
That just happened.
No.
You couldn't have.
You love me.
You love me.
You love me.
Now I'm crying, and
I hear my heart shatter
over the drop of tears
onto the floor--
I re-read the text,
and correct my thoughts:
You loved me.
Okay, I've never done multiple poems of the same story before, so rip it up! This is just something I thought I'd throw together. Give me as much feedback as possible!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Fine narrative poem!
Sadly these simple stages of young love its almost completely accurate and have an untimely demise.
Great work in this and keep writing.
-Dawn
Hey luv, how are you doing? I loved your series of poems here. My little sister is also a member here on yws, although I don't believe she's very active at all on the site anymore. But, I recommend the poems she has submitted. Her username is Babanuuk. If yo ever get the chance, look her up. I'm pretty sure that she would charm you.
Alrighty then, here we go.
On "1."
Beautiful imagery and language choice:
- chattering hallway
- ears charred
- it's crowded
but I'm empty and barren,
as is where I walk.
- There's you easing
your way through the narrowing walls
- he bell sounds assertively--
Is Emily Dickens one of your influences?
I love the hormonal immaturity and youth expressed in poem 1.
On "#2."
Awkward word choice:
- Your hand caresses my shaking jaw willingly
- Your arm advocates me in innocently--
- [plus, besides this odd wording, this ending could really use some work]:
"a smile creeps on my lips
I feel one grow on your mouth, too
we pay no attention to the clips."
On #3 .
Wow! I thought this was a terrific ending to the series. It brought it into a complete cycle. Well done. Perfectly stylized. I think this one made it. But even so, it seemed to leave out bits that made it not make immediate sense to me, the anonymous reader.
And now I have got to go to bed.
Keep writing!
At your service,
Mandorelute
I think this is a very interesting idea, and it works well, mostly. You're obviously a good poet - I like the subject you've chosen, because it's a nice one to look at from different angles.
There are a few things which I would change - I'm sorry, I'm extremely picky, but that's the only way I'll help you improve, which is the idea, I hope.
I don't like adverbs, and I really don't think you need this one here. I don't feel that personifying the bell is necessary - it's distracting and 'assertive' sounds clunky here.
Again. Would it really caress it unwillingly? Telling us that it's willing kind of insults the reader's intelligence.
'Unsupervised' doesn't rhyme with 'enticed'.
'Not' doesn't rhyme with 'thought'. Also, 'has it not' sounds contrived, as though you're only doing it for the rhyme. You wouldn't actually say that.
I don't think the word 'advocate' is the one you're looking for here. It doesn't mean the right thing, and anyway it sounds a bit over-wordy. Again with the adverbs. Since it's poetry and it doesn't have to be perfect grammatical sentences, I'd say, 'invites me, innocent' and leave out the 'in' which is distracting.
The rhyming, once again, sounds contrived.
You call a film (sorry, movie) 'clips'? Really?
Basically, then? I'm not so keen on the second poem. I like the first and the last, especially the last line, but I really think you've sacrificed a lot for the rhyme scheme and a poet should never, ever do that.
It does have its moments, and I especially like this bit, but I don't feel the same emotion as in the other two, and, as well as that, I think it feels a bit soppy - cheesy, almost - it doesn't seem real. You might be able to change that by adding in some more mundane details - the colour of the carpet, the way he smells, the rustle of popcorn - to make it seem more authentic - but first of all you need to fix the rhymes.
I'm sorry for being so horrible. I do like your poem; I don't think you need all the good bits pointed out to you, though, because you probably already know them. You're a very able poet, though, and I can see this poem becoming something really good.