All over
the skies are
filled with dew
stricken winds
that slap my
face with icy
bitterness.
Your eyes
flash with by
passing street
lights; dazzling
as they are
regularly
they take me
by surprise.
Frozen shards
of liquid water
pass beneath
my feet in a
spring still
mobile;
penetrating my
skin with morbid
uncertainty.
Slowly
I feel drowsy
and the warm
sheets invite
me towards their
cottony safe
haven; I sink
in to them
lazily.
Leaving all
worries behind
I'm led into
my dreams of
lovely times
with you and
your wonderful
blue eyes;
so sought after
through hours of
suffering alone,
I feel safe in
your arms as
they hold me
tightly.
Don't let go,
I might fall
and never
be caught,
I'd fall; I'd hit
the ground with
an earsplitting
thought; you'd be
devastated,
never to talk
again.
Keep me
in your arms,
never let
go so I may
live; I only
want to fall
once; into
your arms.
As I wake up
my dream fades
away but I
can still feel
tingles sent from
my nerves where
you were,
All over.
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hello!
The poem read very smoothly, the flow was beautiful. The imagery you display is very vivid, I can feel the frigid wind on my face, and the warmth of the sheets. You described the dream with finesse, and the emotions were outstanding.
There you are. Bye!
~BTM
Twinzie-
No matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone thinks,
I
WOVE
it!!
Totes, dahling!!
*Taylor*
Hey! Let's take a look...
Before I begin, let me just say that I loved the flow that this seemed to have, and how it seemed random but still sort of got together.
That said, none of that was perfect, and there's quite a bit that I didn't like and could really be improved. The number of short lines gets under my skin a little - I feel like I'm skimming my eyes down the poem without being rewarded. It adds nothing to image and gives it a ranty feeling, almost. Consider this stanza:
It almost reads better as prose: "As I wake up my dream fades away but I can still feel tingles sent from my nerves where you were..." Except the last bit, which just feels unnecessary and irrelevant - does this repeated phrase add anything? As of yet, no. But it could.
And that brings me onto what exactly it is you're saying. As I said, it kind of links together - there's the idea of a dreamwalker going through unconnected scenes. But to the reader, that's not obvious at all and it comes across initially as completely random. I'm not saying poetry should be blatant - on the contrary, subtlety is best - but it feels like you're not being subtle either.
That said, it reads a lot better than the typical naval-gazing "i lubby u" poems which irritate the hell out of me. Nonetheless, keep coming up with different emotions and experiment with poems of specifically different line lengths, which should encourage some more imaginative and descriptive imagery for otherwise rather bland ideas.
I hope that was a little help! Let me know if you've any questions.
Best
Blinky