I live a lie - a constant dream,
a hope of something daftly supreme.
Some day I will see it again,
the truth that held me in the wind.
A mask of current gossip stains
the outlines of my narrow veins;
the difference in my heart and mind,
a sum of being cold and kind.
I'm pulled from varying truths to live
the lie that's forced upon my lips,
a freezing wake that stabs my conscience
a falsely warm and shroud acceptance.
It's sorry, to say, with all these clouds
a sun is shining all about,
tangled in my hopes and lies,
the sun, so bright, the alibi.
I wish to bask in all it's glory,
to sit and forget this forged story.
Please just tell me one last time,
if I ask you, will you rhyme?
The words are woven in delicacy -
I'm brought to tears by clear melody,
love, my dear, is not a lie
but surely this one has to die.
I live a life so warm and free,
the sunlight shining down at me,
I run from darkness, hating night,
a facade of being strong and bright.
Deliberately, I purse my lips,
emotions drowning off the clips-
the memories, between you and I,
they're nothing now, it's all a lie.
And so, with sorrow and despair,
I say goodbye, but I still care.
Love,
Fixed
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Well, there is nothing I can say that has not been said before, and I agree with all of the past reviews, so I guess I'll stick with a "Good job!" and a "Keep it up!". I hope you make another one! I can't WAIT to read more. You're a great poet/writer!
Kim
thanks, ben! Yeah. it's one of those poems where I just sat down (with a friend in the room) and started writing. she sat there staring at me for half an hour, while I typed away.
gracias
Hey fixed!
This was one of those poems where I click on it to review it and end up just being drawn into a pool of the author's mind, crafting off alternate interpretations and creating my own little vivid story. I thought the word choice was absolutely stunning. The rhyming was perfect. I didn't once think the fluency or flow was uncomforting and my interest was held, untampered, all the way to the end of it. I simply adored it to bits!
Of course, this is more feedback but there is one thing that might help you... The ending I thought was a little lacking of punch, you know? Because everything else was so almighty the end line seemed a little 'ordinary' in amongst it all. I think you should still keep your current end line, but perhaps stick an additional 1 or 2 on the end or even a rhyming couplet to 'deliver that final blow' if you like.
Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed this!
Keep up the beautiful writing!
Ben
haha, since my name is icanbefixed,...
Hi! I really like this - it's very well written, good description, and it flowed very well. It also rhymed well and wasn't forced at all. Again and wind don't really rhyme but that's the only complaint I have. I really like your iamgery in this piece, and it had a pleasing tone to it and was easy to read.
It's a sad poem, but I like it! There are a few word mistakes I caught, but those can be fixed. The emotion in this is very noticeable and I've seen many people complain that poems without emotion aren't as lovely. But you did great, keep it up!