Okay, this needs a little help. Tear it up!
A small hand,
Holding Daddy's tight
As they cross the street.
The trust the hand projects
Makes him want to tear up
Out of love,
he knows it will go away.
The hand will grow and
Pull from his;
It won’t want his help
As it crosses the street.
Instead it will grab hold
Of other hands,
Less capable,
Less scarred,
Less knowledgeable.
Hands that will pull
Towards the wrong things,
The wrong choices;
he'll want to take it,
to yank it back onto
The sidewalk
Next to Daddy
May it be guided
As they cross the street.
The hand will want to stay
In the middle of the street
Without him,
Without his protection.
But the day Daddy departs,
The hand will be trying to pull him
Back into the light,
It’s grip getting tighter as he
Fades,
Willfully.
Tears will drop onto his hand
As the other mourns,
Still gripping Dad's hopefully,
Maybe he'll open his eyes.
His hand is cold now,
But the other is still there,
Daddy lay limp and
The hand is caressing his.
But until that day,
A smaller hand will
Hold his tight,
As they cross the street.
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haha, yeah, it's supposed to be "his eyes"
I revised this poem several times, I tried out first person, second, and third. I just overlooked the "my" when I revised. thanks!
Hey, You told me you changed is... so I read it. It's better this time and I enjoyed it even more. Keep up the awesome work! But I have one thing I noticed which confused me (It might just be me).
The trust the hand projects
Makes him want to tear up
Out of love,
I didn't quite know who you were referring to, but I'm thinking its the boy. A little more info would be nice, but this poem is still awesome.
So again, awesome job!
I love this, the symbolism is perfect and a little sad, because it reminds me of all the times when I was little and how I've gotten further from my dad as the years have passed. Anyway, I love it a lot, tweaking some lines would help to give it some rhythm but still, great.
Interesting.
Near the end of the poem, you wrote, "Maybe someday he'll open my eyes."
Did you mean to say "his eyes" or is this talking about a revalation?
Hey icanbefixed... (weird name), my name is Ryuichi and I love your poem. I like how you describe what I think is choices in life, but with hands. Crossing the street is a good metaphor for this poem in my opinion. So, you did a great job and you should continue with your poetry and progress further.
This poem is very good,however you need to pin point the main idea a little bit more. Reading this, I got the message that it was about growing up and the bond between a child and a parent. What I think would help, would be if you made it specifically from either the child or parent's point of view, instead of just saying, 'you'. Other than that, I having nothing else really to say. Great job!