Your eyes bring me down as I stumble on your words.
I can't help when you only tell me of my worth.
You beat yourself up, but yet, you're the best person I know.
Fear evoked inside you is the only type of growth.
Forever I will hold you, don't think my promise isn't kept.
But when you lie to yourself, you're left with a mind inept.
Peace envelopes me suddenly, as sure as you are there.
You're heart is but a blanket, covering me from despair.
The world's problems are blinding, and of course, I can't relay,
how much you've solved in my life, the love you've put, in every day.
So keep me close at heart, for I'm sure it's warmest there.
In a world of lies and treachery, you are my breath of fresh air.
Taim i' ngra leat.
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I love the initial idea of this poem, but I hate the way everyone thinks that in poetry every two lines have to rhyme or the words have to relate to each other. They don't! Try other types of poetry, I think you'd be good at it.
Hey there!
Ok, so this was a pretty nice poem, I'll just go through it a bit.
Rhyming:
Rhyme Scheme:
I preferred the second stanza to the first because in that stanza your rhyme scheme actually works. You see, when I started to read this I wasn't sure if there was even a rhyme scheme until the last lines of the first stanza. So, the first two rhyming pairs are 'words/worth' and 'know/growth'. Those aren't perfect rhymes, really. Now, some poets actually like to use 'imperfect rhymes' in their poetry, but as the rest of your poem has pretty spot on rhymes ('kept/inept', there/despair') then if I were you I would consider checking out http://www.rhymezone.com/. Seriously, that website is the God of all rhyming poetry. I promise.
Predictable?
One thing you really, really don't want to do when rhyming is use easy words. Never settle for words that are simple. Never. Simple words may rhyme easily, but they never give the reader much satisfaction whilst reading the poem. See, when you come across an awesome rhyme in a poem it's cool, very cool, but if the rhymes are average then the reader just skims over them. If that happens, then you may as well not rhyme at all. But, I think you should stick to rhyming. You've shown here that you have a good grasp of it, definitely, now you just need to get more sophisticated with your choice of rhymes!
Repeating Rhymes:
This isn't such a big one, but you have two instances when the rhymes you've chosen are very similar. These are: 'There/Despair' and 'There/Air'. Now, again, this isn't such a big deal but it's always nice to have a little more variety in your rhymes, no?
Content:
Meaning:
So, the meanings of the two stanzas, to me, seem to be different. In the first stanza, you seem to be talking about one thing, but then you move to the second stanza in which you're talking about how they help you in the world. I'm not sure which one I like better, as such, but I do think that you might want to either expand on a stanza more, or have more of a transition between the two. Yes?
Forcing the lines:
This actually relates back to rhyming, but I'll just put it here. One thing that crops up a lot in rhymed poetry is the problem of it becoming forced. Never, ever, ever, in a billion years compromise your content for your rhyme. Now, you seem to be ok with this, although it's not perfect, but I just wanted to say that.
Clichés:
Just a couple of things you might need to watch out for. The idea of something being a blanket and covering you, that's pretty overdone. As is, even, the idea of someone being your 'breath of fresh air'.
Grammar stuff:
Punctuation:
One thing I noticed that in your first stanza, all the lines are punctuated with a period. Now, this kind of gives the whole thing a jerkier feel which isn't that great. What you might want to do is switch some of those periods to commas, then your poem will have a much nicer flow!
Spelling:
One thing:
'you're' should be 'your'.
The good stuff:
Ok, now that's out the way, let's get down to what I liked! You had a nice flow in this, a very nice flow. It didn't break too much, it didn't go all crazy over the place, so well done for that. You also have some lovely lines in there, some lines which I really enjoy. You obviously have this great writing style, well done!
Overall:
So, yeah, nice poem! Just work on a few things, tinker around a bit, and it should be pretty good! You need to clear up the message a bit, get a bit more savvy with rhymes, and maybe add in some really original and breathtaking imagery. Then you'll be good to go!
Hope I helped! PM me for any questions!
~Amy
I like it. Very deep. It has a nice flow. You sort of have to concentrate to understand the true meaning behind it all. I don't really understand:
The "eyes bring me down" is the part i'm confusing. I really like the ending, its quite beutiful. Except what's the translation for Taim i' ngra leat?