I've found what no one else has:
a human lifejacket.
I know I love him-- maybe,
but I've gone without him before.
We were once something
but it diminishes slower than ever
the emerald memories fade
icy hot to the touch.
I try to plunge deeper--
there are still plenty of fish in the sea
but he pulls me back up
right when I find a good catch.
My human lifejacket.
I start to like another guy,
he's talking to me non-stop--
he likes me, too.
My lifejacket
comes in and chokes me
like the cheap ones that don't fit anymore do
and I'm back in love with him.
I guess I need to learn to swim
all over again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hello there
Wow, I think I am seeing some pretty good love poetry today. I enjoyed this a lot. You did a pretty good job. I liked your use of imagery. And also the reference of the human life jacket with real life. That was a good idea and you did a good job in the execution.
This was my favourite stanza.
I was not fond of the ending though, it's just fine and nothing special like the other stanzas. Good job.
Ziggie
Hello ICBF. So, I won’t claim to be an expert poet, but I’ll give it a try, that’s for sure.
Okay, I don’t know if there’s a name to this rule, but I’m pretty sure something is wrong with this. Yet I think you could find a quick fix for it by adding ‘as’ to the beginning of the second line. Maybe?
The idea here is one I can relate to beyond a shadow of a doubt. The thing is, I can’t completely keep these two ideas of these two guys separate. It’s kind of like saying ‘the guy’ and ‘a guy.’ Different, but they can be difficult to distinquish and this is something that could possibly use some looking into.
Still, I love this for the way I understand what you mean with the life jacket. It’s like, staying with someone because it’s familiar and secure. Right? Even if you aren’t taking a chance and experiencing the risk of this new guy? Or am I wrong?
Oh well. It’s a poetry thing I guess.
~lilymoore