My dear,
I see we've come to an invisible agreement.
You keep your boundaries;
I'll keep mine.
Or so I thought.
Now you've stepped in and you're taking my life,
my mind has shattered under your heavy eyes;
their weight diminishing my whole rationality.
I do believe it's--
under the circumstances--
quite illegal, with our rules?
But then again, it's just crazy me.
The one who laughed at your cheesy jokes,
and smiled every time I saw you.
Anyone else do that?
Did they become such a thought in your mind,
that you smiled by just simply seeing their name?
You did that to me.
But I've thought a lot of things about you.
One of them being, I hate your guts.
My dear,
It's extremely unfortunate we turned out like this.
Such strong feelings,
vivaciously given to me by your bleak smile.
To think, I loved something like you.
Like a rock, you only saw the soft part on the surface;
if you turned me over you would see the worms,
the crawling insects that resembled my infamous secrets--
the dirt there, making you itch just looking.
Poor you.
Didn't want to dirty your hands?
No one ever does.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
I don't really know why, but I didn't really enjoy the piece very much.
I did like these lines though:
"Like a rock, you only saw the soft part on the surface;if you turned me over you would see the worms,the crawling insects that resembled my infamous secrets--the dirt there, making you itch just looking. "
"Now you've stepped in and you're taking my life,my mind has shattered under your heavy eyes"
Besides that, this didn't really seem like a poem to me. But I think if you keep on putting effort into your writing, you'll do better.
-Jane
I do not like the repeating of "Or so I thought". I actually think it should be removed.
It's much too telling. So instead of talking to me, show me. Give me some more nouns. Some more to engage with in my mind.
I like the line, "To think, I loved something like you" but it will be much stronger without the "I shiver".
Hmm. That's all I've got for now.
I love so many bits and pieces of this poem, but overall it doesn't strike me as a particularly engaging piece. I really like the lines,
and
and your repetition of
I think the weakest point of this piece that needs work is the diction; none of the words really stick out to me and engage me in the poem. I do love the concept and the idea of a sort of letter format, and the repetition and sudden ending work really well for the mood you are going for.